Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.
Are these two just a couple of besties with some wacky plans to take over the world, a la Pinky and the Brain, or is there something more sinister going on, a la a gritty Pinky and the Brain reboot directed by Werner Herzog?
Their relationship has remained shrouded by a mist of international intrigue and off-brand spray tan, but fortunately, freedom-loving Americans have a man on the inside who seems to have all the answers:
Yes, Tom Arnold.
The actor and comedian who was previously best known for marrying Roseanne, starring on Roseanne’s show, and divorcing Roseanne has become an unexpected fount of information regarding Trump’s almost-admirably sketchy past.
Like, if Trump were the bad guy in a musical about American history, we’d probably belt out his theme song, but it sucks that he’s actually about to be president while we’re alive, ya know?
Anyway, Trump and Arnold are connected in the same way that Trump is connected to so many C-list-and-lower celebs.
Arnold competed on the Celebrity Apprentice, during which time he witnessed Trump engaging in some behavior that makes the 2016 election look like a sane man running for office.
Arnold has already claimed to be in possession of a tape in which Trump goes off on a racist rant, which he didn’t release prior to the election because … he was busy doing Tom Arnold stuff.
Now, the situation is getting really weird.
Yes, weirder than an American presidency being undermined by Tom freakin’ Arnold.
It seems the actor was pissed when he found out that Trump planned to sue him for speaking publicly about the racist rant tapes:
“Wife told me there’s house line VM from Trump Camp about defamation suit so it’s on! Open Apprentice vaults 4 discovery! Miss Universe too!!” he tweeted.
So how is planning to get back at the Donald?
Well, by pouring a little gasoline on the raging tire fire that is 2016 and getting Russia involved, of course:
That’s Arnold defending his decision not to release the tapes and … hinting at Trump’s involvement in a Russian orgy.
Yes, this is the world we live in now.
Believe it or not, rumors about Trump gettin’ down in a real-life Eyes Wide Shut-style group sex situation have been circulating online for years.
Arnold claims to have footage of the world’s most nauseating porn, and it seems he’s already in talks to release it:
It would explain why Trump is so beholden to Putin, but the more likely explanation is that he owes Russia an absurd amount of cash.
In somewhat related news, Russia has reportedly tested a weapon capable of downing U.S. satellites.
So make sure to enjoy what will likely be your last Christmas that’s not celebrated under the giant Big Brother-style portraits of Putin that will soon be mandatory in every home.
Dasvidaniya, America!
