We haven’t heard much from Tom Cruise lately, and it’s anyone’s guess as to why that might be.
The safest bet is that he’s just keeping a low profile because it’s not a great time to be a Hollywood power player with a reputation for domineering behavior and problematic sexual proclivities.
Of course, there’s always the possibility that he’s been traveling the universe, protecting Earth from intergalactic invaders, the ascoted ghost of L. Ron Hubbard his co-pilot.
Either the way, Suri isn’t the only one who rarely sees Tom these days.
Cruise’s devotion to Scientology has always been one of the weirder aspects of his very weird personal life.
But Cruise’s relationship with the opposite sex is just as bizarre and unsettling as his relationship with the alien overlords who condemned us thetan-infested mortals to lifetimes of penance in this godforsaken solar system.
And when Tom’s religion meets Tom’s sex life, the collision results in some seriously strange and often very troubling behavior.
Take for example, Cruise’s habit of “auditioning” potential girlfriends in order to decide if they’re worthy of dating him.
These sex try-outs are allegedly orchestrated by Scientoloigist leaders such as David Miscavige.
They were brought to light by a Scientology defector named Cathy Schenkelberg, who revealed details of the creepy-ass process in an intervierw with The Daily Mail:
“I didn’t know I was being auditioned, so I was being asked on camera: ‘Where are you from? What level are you on?’ Then, ‘What do you think of Tom Cruise?"” Schenkelberg told the outlet.
“I was like, ‘Huh, I thought this was a training video.’ When I left the room, there was another actress outside and she asked: ‘How did you do?’ I said: ‘What do you mean?’
“She said: ‘Well, that’s an audition to be Tom Cruise’s girlfriend,’ and I said: ‘I don’t think I got the gig."”
Yes, there was a freaking line of Scientologist actresses waiting to audition for the “role” of Tom Cruise’s girlfriend.
But it’s not just young up-and-comers who are put through the process:
Sources say Katie Holmes had to audition before top Scientologist brass would grant her permission to breed with their golden boy, and Penelope Cruz was reportedly subjected to a similar process.
Recently, it was rumored that Scarlett Johansson once found herself sight-reading lines like, “Yes, Tom, 5’4″ is totallt average height.,”
But the actress has now vehementkly denied those claims in a statement issued to The Hollywood Reporter.
“The very idea of any person auditioning to be in a relationship is so demeaning. I refuse for anyone to spread the idea that I lack the integrity to choose my own relationships. Only a man aka Brendan Tighe would come up with a crazy story like that,”
Tighe is a former security guard for Cruise who made the allegation during an interview on Megyn Kelly Today this week.
“Another actress, Erika Christensen, had to disconnect from Scarlett Johansson because it didn’t go well. That was in that report,” Tighe told Kelly.
The Church of Scientology has also issued a statement denying Tighe’s claim.
“Brendan Tighe was a Church of Scientology Flag Service Organization security guard/night watchman from 2002 to 2009,” says spokesperson Karin Pouw.
“The ‘access’ he boasts of having was largely limited to viewing security cameras from a guard booth. He was removed from that position for dereliction of duty.”
These days, Johansson is dating Colin Jost of SNL fame.
As for Cruise, well — he’s keeping mum as usual. We think.
It’s possible he’s evolved to a form of communication that cannot yet be understood by humans, like those aliens in Arrival.
