So barring a revelation that he hasn’t revealed his tax returns because he’s been raking in the rubles on Putin’s payroll, Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America in January.
You may be considering shaving your head, taking a vow of silence and moving into a Tibetan monastery in the Himalayas.
But before you get fitted for your Dalai Lama robes, you might want to spend some time in the temples of Shaolin – even it means gazing upon the obnoxious smirk of the world’s most punchable face:
Allow us to explain:
The douche in the photo above is Martin Shkreli.
Yes, you couldn’t pick a more apt name for for this human shart stain.
It’s like he was lovingly hand-sculpted by the DaVinci of douches.
Anyway, you might remember that mug from earlier this year, when Marty went viral after jacking up the price on a life-saving medication frequently prescribed to AIDS and cancer patients during his brief time as a pharmaceutical CEO.
Now, Shkreli didn’t raise the price by a few cents to increase profit margins.
No, he turned his greed machine up to 12 and hiked up the price of Daraprim from $ 13.50 a pill to $ 750 a pill.
We’ll save you the math: That’s a 5,455% increase.
Most people wouldn’t care for their names being attached to one of the most nauseating news stories of the year, but apparently Marty was starved for attention as a kid, because he ate that sh-t right up.
Whether it was harassing female journalists on Twitter or pretending that he broke his hand punching a wall over something Bernie Sanders tweeted, Marty did everything he could build himself a sizable social media following.
One of his most memorable stunts involved the purchase of a $ 2 million Wu Tang Clan album that the group bafflingly only made one copy of.
The douche-bait worked, and Shkreli shelled out for the album, but instead of making available to others as the rappers assumed he would, he kept it to himself, because “NEVER SHARE ANYTHING, EVER!!!” is the first rule of Penis Wrinkle Club.
In recent months, Shkreli became a huge Donald Trump supporter, even though Trump – like just about everyone else on the planet – condemned Shkreli’s douche-tastic actions and basically said he’d like to shove the dweeb into his locker.
Shkreli’s love for President-Elect Trump (*has convulsive 30-minute seizure, comes back*) is so profound that he promised his supporters he would stream the album online if Trump won the election.
As you know, Trump won the election (*has longer, more intense seizure, crawls back to laptop*), and now Marty is making good on his promise.
The only problem is, it’s still hard to find, because the Internet is in the process of slowly giving Shkreli the Uncle Phil-DJ Jazzy Jeff treatment:
“More music comes out when OkCupid, Twitch and Youtube unban me,” Shkreli tweeted today.
“Trump won, sorry, don’t take it out on me.
Getting banned from OK Cupid is no easy feat, so it’s safe to assume that Marty takes a lot of cues from his hero Donnie when it comes to interacting with women.
We’re not about to link to Shkreli’s Twitter page, but you can find pieces of the album on there.
Sadly, he’s no longer auctioning off the right to punch him in the face.
Now, THAT we would link to.