Martin Shkreli Sentenced to 7 Years in Prison!!!

Like many Americans, the early months of 2018 may have left you with the distinct sense that the world has lost its way, and truth and justice have fallen victim to the pressures and temptations of the modern age.

But it’s always darkest before the dawn, and today the citizenry of this proud nation can come together to celebrate the comeuppance of a world-class douche nozzle:

You may remember Martin Shkreli as the “Pharma Bro” who jacked up the price of a life-saving medication by more than 5,000 percent during his brief time as CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

The world quickly learned that Shkreli was not merely a calculating business man who saw an opportunity to widen his profit margins, but a full-blown cartoon supervillain who reveled in sowing chaos, tormenting those who he believed to be his enemies, and generally behaving like a flat-out penis wrinkle.

While the best-known example of Shkreli’s rampant dickishness might be his decision to purchase the exclusive rights to a $ 2 million Wu Tang Clan album, which he then refused to release to the public, his sinister actions were taking place behind closed doors.

Back in December of 2015, Shkreli was arrested for securities fraud, having allegedly defrauded investors during his time as a hedge fund manager.

Today, Shkreli was sentenced to seven years in prison for his crimes.

Those present in the courtroom say the 34-year-old openly wept as his sentence was read.

“I’m not the same person I was. I know right from wrong,” Shkreli told the judge while pleaing for clemency.

“I know what it means to tell the truth and what it means to lie. I am terribly sorry I lost your trust. You deserve far better,” he told the investors he defrauded.

“I was wrong. I was a fool. I should have known better.”

Neither the judge nor US Attorney Jacqueline Kasulis was moved to sympathy for Shkreli:

“I  want to make clear that Mr. Shkreli is not a child,” Kasulis told the court.

“Mr. Shkreli is about to turn 35 years old, he’s a man. He’s not a teenager who just needs some mentoring. He is a man who needs to take responsibility for his actions.”

Adding insult to injury, Shkreli’s own attorney told the judge that he often wants to punch his client in the face, but that the former CEOs status as “the most hated man in America” should not affect his sentencing.

Shkreli has behind bars since September, when his parole was revoked after he posted threats to Hillary Clinton on his Facebook page.

We’re sure he’ll be missed by … his mom? Maybe he had a doorman he was nice to, or something?

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Martin Shkreli Sentenced to 7 Years in Prison

Martin Shkreli’s gonna be separated from his $ 2 million Wu-Tang album for at least 7 years … that’s how long he’s going away to prison. A judge sentenced the former pharmaceuticals exec to federal prison Friday morning in his securities fraud…

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Martin Shkreli Imprisoned Following Hillary Clinton Threat

If you’ve ever wondered if there’s any truth to those quotes about karma that your pettiest friend is always posting on Facebook, then look no further than the sad case of Martin Shkreli.

As you may recall, Shkreli first made a name for himself as a world class jack rag by hiking up the cost of a life-saving medication by more than 5,000 percent during his time as CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

Apparently a fan of being universally despised, Shkreli proceeded to embark on a career of professional douchery.

He feuded with the Wu Tang Clan after buying the exclusive rights to the group’s latest album and refusing to share any of it publicly.

He then trolled the entire hip hop community by stealing unreleased tracks from artists and releasing them online without permission.

If you’re thinking those two acts seem to run counter to one another, you have to bear in mind that at all times, Shkreli is motivated by nothing but the desire to piss off as many people as possible.

We won’t bore with you the full list of the Pharma Bro’s indiscretions (though getting kicked off of Twitter for harassing a Teen Vogue reporter is a doozy that bears repeating), but suffice it to say, the guy is the worst, and he’s finally paying the price for his life of dickishness.

Last month, Shkreli was convicted of securities fraud, and his crimes could land him behind bars for up to twenty years.

Martin is white and wealthy, so he was able to post bond, and the original plan was that he would await his sentencing at home.

But that would’ve required Shkreli to refrain from publicly engaging in behavior that’s been roundly condemned by society for a few weeks, so naturally, he effed it up.

For reasons that are clear only to him, Shkreli offered his Facebook followers $ 5,000 to grab a strand of Hillary Clinton’s hair during her current book tour.

Turns out, our legal system frowns on issuing public threats and paying for acts of assault, so yesterday, the judge in his case issued an order for Shkreli’s pasty ass to be thrown in jail.

“The fact that he continues to remain unaware of the inappropriateness of his actions or words demonstrates to me that he may be creating ongoing risk to the community,” said U.S. District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto, in revoking Shkreli’s bond.

“This is a solicitation of assault. That is not protected by the First Amendment.”

Shkreli was taken into custody immediately after his hearing, and this morning, he was issued an inmate number at the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn.

But we’re sure he isn’t worried.

After all, the guy who spent the past two years terrorizing the poor and publicly taunting hip hop fans should have no problem making friends inside a Brooklyn prison.

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Martin Shkreli Arrested, Bail Revoked for Hillary Clinton Threat

Martin Shkreli is back in federal custody after his bail was revoked due to online threats against Hillary Clinton. Shkreli was arrested Wednesday in NYC after a judge revoked his $ 5 million bail in his securities fraud case. As we reported ……

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Martin Shkreli Arrested, Bail Revoked for Hillary Clinton Threat

Martin Shkreli is back in federal custody after his bail was revoked due to online threats against Hillary Clinton. Shkreli was arrested Wednesday in NYC after a judge revoked his $ 5 million bail in his securities fraud case. As we reported ……

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Martin Shkreli, Government Wants Him in Jail After Threatening Hilary Clinton

Bad boy and convicted felon Martin Shkreli may be heading to jail way sooner than he thought, because the United States government wants to put him behind bars NOW, after threatening Hilary Clinton. The Justice Dept. just filed docs, obtained by…

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Martin Shkreli Selling His $2M Wu-Tang Clan Album on eBay

Martin Shkreli’s got interesting timing for wanting to make a buck … he’s now selling off his famous $ 2 million Wu-Tang Clan album on eBay. Shkreli posted an eBay listing Tuesday night for the only copy of Wu-Tang’s album, “Once Upon a Time in…

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Martin Shkreli: Found GUILTY of Securities Fraud!

Universally reviled public figure and sometime “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli was convicted on three counts of securities fraud Friday.

Shkreli faces up to 20 years in prison, and while he will likely serve much less, he shook his head in apparent disbelief at the verdict.

“We’re delighted in many ways,” Shkreli, who was exonerated on five out of eight criminal charges, said outside the courtroom later.

“This was a witch hunt of epic proportions,” he added.

“They may have found some broomsticks.” 

Shkreli’s legal demise is likely to be celebrated across the land, given the reputation he’s cultivated over the past couple of years.

His apparent willingness to lie, exploit others for wealth that he later flaunted to an insane degree, and instigate public feuds is unmatched.

As such, many observers will be thrilled to see him go down in flames; Shkreli was not on trial for the above behavior, of course.

Prosecutors argued that he lied to investors in two hedge funds and the pharmaceutical company Retrophin, all of which he founded.

Shkreli allegedly told investors he graduated from Columbia, that his hedge fund was large and profitable, and that he hired an auditor.

All lies, according to prosecutors.

Shkreli’s defense attorney countered simply that his investors were wealthy and sophisticated, and that he ultimately made them richer.

He said Shkreli will appeal and that the hedge fund manager – nicknamed “Pharma Bro” for his previous career pursuits – should not go to jail.

You may recall that he first gained notoriety as a pharmaceutical exec by raising the price of a vital drug used by AIDS patients by 5,000 percent.

When he received intense scrutiny for this, he doubled down on it, fanning the flames by lamenting only that he didn’t raise it more.

That notoriety – which included taunting reporters on Twitter and smirking through Congressional hearings – hung over this trial.

He also engaged in feuds with Ghostface Killah and others, and used his significant wealth in increasingly extravagant, public fashion.

Even during jury selection, the judge struggled to find potential jurors who didn’t already dislike the New York douchebag intensely.

Not helping matters was Shkreli, who had walked into a room full of media and derided the prosecutors in his case as “junior varsity.”

During the trial, prosecutors painted him as a greedy, chronic liar, while the defense tried to chalk up his “eccentricity” to the quirks of a genius.

Prosecutors focused on his leadership of two hedge funds, MSMB Capital and MSMB Healthcare, and a pharmaceutical company, Retrophin.

Shkreli raised millions for MSMB Capital, but not as much as he told investors, then made a bad bet that would doom the hedge fund.

And then …

Rather than tell investors this, Shkreli raised more money to start MSMB Heathcare, which he largely used to start up Retrophin.

When concerned investors asked for their money, Shkreli used money from other investors and money and stock from Retrophin to pay them.

“Just because the defendant got lucky and Retrophin became a success” later on doesn’t make this any less illegal, prosecutors argued.

“Martin Shkreli doesn’t think the rules doesn’t apply to him, that the law doesn’t apply to him unfortunately for him, it does.”

Shkreli’s attorney argued that he did not defraud anyone and that his investors – even those who testified against him – were not victims.

In the end, the jury didn’t see it that way.

Shkreli’s lack of contrition and his behavior – personal and legal – were obstacles that the defense team simply could not overcome.

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Martin Shkreli Found Convicted in Securities Fraud Case

Martin Shkreli — dubbed the most hated CEO in America — was convicted in his long-drawn out federal fraud case. Shkreli was found guilty on 3 of 8 counts. He was charged with securities fraud, conspiracy to commit securities fraud and…

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Lil Wayne to Martin Shkreli: I Will Sue Your Punk Ass!

If you’ve ever seen those toenail fungus commercials with the nauseating green troll-people who live inside infected feet, then you have a pretty good idea of what Martin Shkreli is all about.

If you’re not familiar with his unique brand of douche-baggery, Shkreli is the lovable skamp who became famous through his high-larious efforts to deny life-saving medication to HIV patients.

Instead of slinking back beneath the bridge from whence he slithered after flamed by all of Twitter, Shkreli fed off the attention and launched a career as a professional social media sh-thead.

Demonstrating the sort of delusional egomania that’s usually reserved for presidents who think no one will care that they’re in league with Russia, Shkreli decided to focus on antagonizing famous rappers, because that’s never ended badly for anyone.

First, Shkreli picked a fight with Ghostface Killah.

Emboldened by somehow surviving that beef, Shkreli set his sights on other rappers and developed the habit of illegally obtaining their unreleased music and streaming it on social media.

This wasn’t done for the benefit of fans, mind you, as Shkreli usually talks over entire songs like some sort of prep school DJ Khaled.

No, this was just another case of Shkreli using his money and tech know-how to be as much of an oozing scrotal lump as he can possible be.

Last week, Shkreli released music by Kendrick Lamar and Lil Wayne.

The rappers originally chose to ignore this latest act of dickishness, which is somewhat surprising considering it’s not the first time that Shkreli has stolen and released tracks from Wayne’s long-awaited Tha Carter V.

Now, it seems Wayne is firing back, but he’s chosen to keep the matter off of social media so as to not give Shkreli anymore undeserved attention.

Apparently the first time Shkreli streamed Wayne’s music without permission, he promised the rapper’s lawyers that it would never happen again.

But because Shkreli is such an irredeemable pest that when you call him a weasel, actual weasels are all like, “Bruh!” he went and did it again.

This time, Wayne’s attorneys and lawyers for Universal Music Group both sent Shkreli cease and desist letters.

We’d say we’re hoping this thing goes to court, but we’re really we’re hoping Shkreli goes to jail before that can happen.

View Slideshow: 13 Lil Rappers

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Lil Wayne Will Sue Martin Shkreli If "Carter 5" Leaks Again

Lil Wayne is demanding Martin Shkreli hand over his copy of “Tha Carter V” and says if the infamous disgraced pharma exec leaks anymore of it online … he’s taking his ass to court. We’re told Weezy’s lawyers and Universal Music both fired off…

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Martin Shkreli Leaks 2 Lil Wayne "Carter V" Tracks, One Features Kendrick Lamar (AUDIO)

Martin Shkreli is not keeping good on his promise with Lil Wayne … he’s leaked 2 more tracks off Weezy’s painfully delayed “Tha Carter V” album. The first track’s allegedly called “Mona Lisa” and it features Kendrick Lamar. The audio is…

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Martin Shkreli Takes Poop to the Face (VIDEO)

Martin Shkreli has taken a lot of crap for raising the price of EpiPen … and now that’s happened literally. Shkreli was holding court at UC Davis Saturday when a protester hurled dog poop and hit his target … in the face!!!

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Martin Shkreli Gets Banned From Twitter; Society Dares to Dream of a Brighter Future

As you’re probably aware, 2016 wasn’t a great year for Baby Boomer celebrities or human beings who are plagued by one of those pesky sense of decency things.

Whether it’s his fault or not is a discussion for another time, but there’s no debating that the election of Donald Trump sent a message to latent bigots and bullies, and the most vile forms of harassment or quickly becoming the norm.

Much of this behavior has taken the form of social media trolling, and naturally, some of the worst of it comes from a man who’s a literal troll IRL:

Yes, noted cancerous mole on the face of humanity Martin Shkreli has officially made the transition from trash-talk to stalking, and Twitter has responded by kicking his weaselly ass to the curb.

You might remember Shkreli as the “pharma douche” who jacked up the cost of a life-saving medication by 5,000 percent during his brief time as CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

Like Arthur Chu before him, Shkreli decided to extend his 15 minutes of fame by saying outrageous sh-t on Twitter.

It’s a surprisingly effective formula – until you go so far that even the surprisingly harassment-tolerant folks @Jack decides you’ve gone too far and boots you from the service.

Over the weekend, Shkreli set his sights on a Teen Vogue reporter named Lauren Duca, who dared to observe that Donald Trump psychologically manipulated voters during his presidential campaign.

It wasn’t immediately clear why Shkreli decided to go off on Duca, rather than the thousands of other reporters who have already made this observation, but eventually his disturbing motives emerged:

It seems he has a creepy, creepy thing for her, and his disturbing tweets are his way of throwing rocks at the girl he likes in the schoolyard.

Duca and her followers appealed to Twitter’s admins and eventually he was account was suspended.

We won’t even bother to reproduce Shkreli’s tweets (and yes, part of the reason for that is that his account is gone, which makes them difficult to find), but suffice it to say, low-lights included multiple confessions that he would like to “date” Duca, and a photoshop of his face on her husband’s body.

Yeah, she wasn’t overreacting by being creeped out.

In fact, she wouldn’t be overreacting if she filed for an order of protection.

Fortunately, Duca may not have to worry about Shkreli showing up outside her apartment with a heart full of longing and a boombox full of unreleased Lil Wayne tracks for much longer. 

Back in December of 2015, Shkreli was arrested for securities fraud, and he’s set to stand trial in June.

Something tells us his antics won’t play so cute in Rikers.

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Martin Shkreli Banned From Twitter Over Obsession With Lauren Duca (VIDEO)

Lauren Duca got Martin Shkreli suspended Sunday from Twitter after a simple invite to Trump’s inauguration turned into creepy online harassment. Duca — a writer for Teen Vogue — reached out to Twitter’s CEO and foudner Jack Dorsey after…

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Lil Wayne"s Camp Assured by Shkreli ... No More "Carter V" Leaks

Lil Wayne can breathe a little easier now that his camp’s been assured there won’t be anymore ‘Carter V’ leaks … at least not from Martin Shkreli. We’re told Weezy’s camp hunted down Shkreli on Thursday after Shkreli released a sampling…

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Martin Shkreli vs. Lil Wayne: Unexpected Feud Alert!

You didn’t think you would get out of 2016 without the universe once again testing the limits of believability and forcing you to seriously consider your stoner friend’s theory that the Matrix was a documentary, did you?

Well, that’s just silly.

The Year From Hell may be coming to a close, but the reign of the bad guys it brought to power has just begun. 

Our guess is that some time in early 2017, Trump and Putin will sit down with a Risk game board and a Sharpie, and circle the parts of the world doomed for nuclear annihilation, while this aspiring supervillain serves refreshments and takes notes:

In case you’ve somehow remained blissfully unaware of his existence, that’s former pharmaceutical exec turned professional troll Martin Shkreli.

Shkreli first gained fame for jacking up the price of a life-saving medication used by by AIDS and cancer patients by roughly 5,000 percent (not a typo) during his time as CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals.

He gained the sort of viral fame that’s not supposed to outlive one 24-hour news cycle, but Shkreli beat the odds by taking douche-baggery to previously unimagined extremes.

One of the 32-year-old asshat’s strangest techniques for remaining semi-relevant  is screwing with rappers (What could go wrong?) by obtaining the rights to their music and either releasing it or not releasing, depending on what will piss them off more.

Shkreli’s first experiment with antagonizing guys who boast about violence for a living came when he purchased a $ 2 million Wu Tang Clan album, seemingly so that he could experience the joy of not streaming it for anyone else.

Shkreli wound up feuding with Ghostface Killah, and continues to draw breath for reasons that remain unclear. 

Martin must have really enjoyed his near-death experience, because he’s been buying and stealing unreleased hip hop music ever since.

Sometimes it works out for him, and he’s able to piss of millions of people, which we assume is the only way he can achieve sexual climax, but sometimes it doesn’t go so well, such as the time some hero stole $ 15 million from Shkreli while he was trying to obtain the exclusive rights to Kanye West’s latest album.

Moments ago, Shkreli decided to kick off a beef with Lil Wayne by streaming portions of the rapper’s unreleased Tha Carter V album:

Martin Shkreli Streams Lil Wayne Album

“He’s talking about me in that song,” Shkreli tells the camera in the clip above, pointing to himself for emphasis.

“Weezy. Cash Money.”

Yeah, we get it, Martin. 

Did someone let this kid have sugar? You know how he gets!

if you’re a hip hop fan, you’re probably aware that the highly-anticipated album was scheduled to be released back in October of 2014, but has seen more than two years in delays due to ongoing legal battles between Wayne and his former label boss Birdman.

Shkreli wasn’t a thing back then (how we long for those times), so if he really is name-checked in a verse, then Wayne has clearly been tinkering with Carter V.

Thus far, there’s no confirmation on whether or not the track is actually about Shkreli, but multiple sources have verified that Wayne is pissed and planning legal action.

So there’s hope for justice in the new year yet.

Not only is Shkreli set to be sued and possibly marked for assassination by Weezy F. Baby, he’s also scheduled to face trial for conspiracy to commit securities fraud.

Here’s hoping Marty ends up in Riker’s and they give him Wayne’s old cell.

We’re sorry we doubted you, 2017.

Please make this happen for us.

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Martin Shkreli Leaks Lil Wayne"s "Carter V" Track (VIDEO)

Lil Wayne’s infamously NOT released “Tha Carter V” has finally been released — at least partially — by who else, but Martin Shkreli … at least according to Shkreli. Shkreli pulled a sort of hip hop Robin Hood move, he claims, by posting this…

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Martin Shkreli Celebrates Trump Victory By Streaming $2 Million Wu Tang Album

So barring a revelation that he hasn’t revealed his tax returns because he’s been raking in the rubles on Putin’s payroll, Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America in January.

You may be considering shaving your head, taking a vow of silence and moving into a Tibetan monastery in the Himalayas.

But before you get fitted for your Dalai Lama robes, you might want to spend some time in the temples of Shaolin – even it means gazing upon the obnoxious smirk of the world’s most punchable face:

Allow us to explain:

The douche in the photo above is Martin Shkreli.

Yes, you couldn’t pick a more apt name for for this human shart stain. 

It’s like he was lovingly hand-sculpted by the DaVinci of douches.  

Anyway, you might remember that mug from earlier this year, when Marty went viral after jacking up the price on a life-saving medication frequently prescribed to AIDS and cancer patients during his brief time as a pharmaceutical CEO.

Now, Shkreli didn’t raise the price by a few cents to increase profit margins.

No, he turned his greed machine up to 12 and hiked up the price of Daraprim from $ 13.50 a pill to $ 750 a pill.

We’ll save you the math: That’s a 5,455% increase.

Most people wouldn’t care for their names being attached to one of the most nauseating news stories of the year, but apparently Marty was starved for attention as a kid, because he ate that sh-t right up.

Whether it was harassing female journalists on Twitter or pretending that he broke his hand punching a wall over something Bernie Sanders tweeted, Marty did everything he could build himself a sizable social media following.

One of his most memorable stunts involved the purchase of a $ 2 million Wu Tang Clan album that the group bafflingly only made one copy of.

The douche-bait worked, and Shkreli shelled out for the album, but instead of making available to others as the rappers assumed he would, he kept it to himself, because “NEVER SHARE ANYTHING, EVER!!!” is the first rule of Penis Wrinkle Club.

In recent months, Shkreli became a huge Donald Trump supporter, even though Trump – like just about everyone else on the planet – condemned Shkreli’s douche-tastic actions and basically said he’d like to shove the dweeb into his locker.

Shkreli’s love for President-Elect Trump (*has convulsive 30-minute seizure, comes back*) is so profound that he promised his supporters he would stream the album online if Trump won the election.

As you know, Trump won the election (*has longer, more intense seizure, crawls back to laptop*), and now Marty is making good on his promise.

The only problem is, it’s still hard to find, because the Internet is in the process of slowly giving Shkreli the Uncle Phil-DJ Jazzy Jeff treatment:

“More music comes out when OkCupid, Twitch and Youtube unban me,” Shkreli tweeted today.

“Trump won, sorry, don’t take it out on me.

Getting banned from OK Cupid is no easy feat, so it’s safe to assume that Marty takes a lot of cues from his hero Donnie when it comes to interacting with women.

View Slideshow: Donald Trump Wins Presidency, Twitter Reacts

We’re not about to link to Shkreli’s Twitter page, but you can find pieces of the album on there.

Sadly, he’s no longer auctioning off the right to punch him in the face.

Now, THAT we would link to.

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Martin Shkreli Might Be Going to Jail, Loves Pokemon Go

If you spend any time at all on social media, you’re likely familiar with both Martin Shkreli and Pokemon Go.

The two out-of-left-field phenomena have little in common other than the fact that they’ve both done a surprising amount of damage and the Internet can’t seem to get enough of them.

Pokemon Go has resulted in a shocking number of injuries and existential crises, as well as a never-ending stream of frustrated social media users who don’t understand why their adult co-workers are engaging in serious arguments about Squirtles and Jiggly Puffs.

Shkreli has caused a similar uproar, but for a much more serious reason.

During his time as CEO of Turing Pharmaceuticals the so-called “Pharma Bro” jacked up the price on a potentially life-saving medication.

He also started a random feud with Ghostface Killah, despite the fact that most of us have been cautioned from a young age that the Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothin’ to f–k with.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what Pikachu and the living incarnation of Millennial privilege could possibly have in common.

Well, it seems that like many others, Shkreli is a big, big Pokemon Go fanatic.

Unlike most, however, he might soon find it difficult to play the game thanks to a looming prison sentence.

Back in December, Shkreli was arrested on securities fraud charges after investigators alleged that he used stock from Turing to pay off debt from a hedge fund that he’d previously run into the ground. 

At an arraignment in Brooklyn yesterday, Shkreli threw his co-defendant under the bus by requesting a separate trial.

But the great part of this story is that a New York Daily News reporter claims that on his way out of the courtroom, Shkreli was heard to remark to his lawyer:

“Can I go play Pokemon go now?”

Yes, Shkreli has Charizards and Wartortles on the brain even as his future freedom hangs in the balance.

Fortunately, he’s not due back in court til June of 2017, so he’ll have plenty of time to catch ’em all before he’s ensnared himself.

View Slideshow: 9 Idiots Who Got Injured Playing Pokemon Go