If you’ve followed the career of Ted Cruz, you know that the Texas senator is a hard-line conservative who might also be the Zodiac Killer.
Cruz is nothing if not passionate about his work, but legislating away the right of poor people to exist and sending encoded descriptions of your latest murder to Bay Area media outlets can take a toll on even the most dilligent weasel demon.
So it’s not surprising that the Cruz Man decided to unwind with a little bizarrely specific fetish porn last night.
It is surprising, however, that he felt the need to broadcast his preferences on Twitter.
Yes, Ted pulled a Weiner in more ways than one, unintentionally (we hope) sharing a very NSFW video clip with his 3 million followers.
Cruz “liked” the clip late Monday night, and it was gone by Tuesday morning, but not before spending a surprisingly long period of time at the top Senator Cruz’s timeline.
Obviously, it’s possible the clip was shared by a Cruz staff member, but of course we prefer to think that the senator personally enjoyed the two-minute depiction of an incestuous threesome so much that he simply had to share his rave review with the world.
If you’ve spent any time amongst the more quick-witted denizens of Twitter, then you won’t be surprised to learn that the jokes flew fast and furious in the minutes after the world learned more than it ever wanted to know about Ted Cruz’s spank material.
But there’s one man who wasn’t the least bit surprised by the news that Texas Teddy enjoys manipulating his pole.
Craig Mazin was Cruz’s roommate at Princeton, and the screenwriter was mining his former bunk buddy’s masturbatory habits for comedic gold long before the rest of us were forced to imagine Ted “handling his delegates.”
“Now imagine Ted Cruz is doing this four feet below you in the bottom bunk bed. Yes, my misery very much appreciates your company,” Mazin tweeted last night.
Having waited for this day for nearly thirty years, Mazin obviously didn’t stop there:
“Sadly, the fact that Ted Cruz jacks off to mediocre porn spam is the most human thing we can say about him. This is actually his high point,” he added.
With no fear of putting too fine a point on it, Mazin continued:
“I never wanted this for any of you. I thought maybe I’d feel better if two or three people knew. Not six billion. That said? I FEEL BETTER.”
Hopefully, someone in Cruz’s office is coating the senator in a healing salve to soothe his savage burns … and hopefully Ted’s not getting off on it.
We live in an age in which the media cycle operates at such a breakneck speed that a man who boasted of grabbing women “by the p-ssy” was elected president just a few weeks after his admission of sexual assault went public.
So in all likelihood, this will all be forgotten by the time Cruz launches his inevitable 2020 presidential campaign.
But don’t worry – Ted will inevitavly trip over his own dong many times between now and then.
It’s important to remember that this isn’t the first Ted Cruz sex scandal.
Hell, it’s not even the second Ted Cruz sex scandal.
This is a guy so prone to self-sabotage that he maintained his connection to Josh Duggar after the world learned Duggar had molested four of his sisters.
And don’t get us started on all those grisly murders Cruz committed in San Francisco in the ’70s!