The problem with reality television in the age of social media is that real-time spoilers are pretty much unavoidable.
For example, we’ve known for months that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is engaged to Lauren Pesce, so any suspense on last night’s Jersey Shore Family Vacation regarding whether or not JWoww will ruin his proposal because Mike threatened to throw a pie in her face (?!?!?) didn’t really have us chewing our cuticles with anticipation.
But before the guidos could make way for Lauren, they had to say goodbye to Vinny’s mother, Paula, and his uncle Nino.
There’s a strong possibility that Vin’s uncle is named Nino Guadagnino, but that doesn’t even crack the top ten on the list of funniest things about the guy.
So it makes sense that Vinny and company would decide to hit him with an old-fashioned roasting as a parting gift.
Unfortunately, Nino’s neurons have been pounded flat like a cutlet from five decades of constant chianti consumption, and he now only speaks a language of his own invention, a la Nell.
Meanwhile, Paula advises Ronnie that he should hold off on marrying Jen if he’s not certain that he loves her.
Yes, folks, it was bound to happen eventually — someone finally issued good advice on an episode of Jersey Shore.
As we mentioned earlier, there’s a subplot in which Jenni indignantly adjusts her old lady glasses while threatening to mess up Mike’s proposal to Lauren, but we’re almost certain nothing is gonna come of it.
And thus, as has so often been the case this season, the episode really belongs to Ronnie.
In a surprising conversation with the girls, Ron reveals that Jen cheated on him in the past:
“I want to be with her, I love her, I just don’t know where her heart is,” Ronnie says.
“Truthfully, I just don’t trust her.
“Nobody’s perfect. I did my dirt too so I can just say, like, ‘It was her.’ But everything I did was a reaction to her actions,” he continues.
“I’m also not used to being with someone like myself. Like, I met my match.”
Jeez, she’s been pregnant the whole time they’ve been together! Where did she even find the time?!
The sad confessions continue — appropriately enough — in the confessional room, where Ron breaks down in tears after confessing that he’s jealous of Mike’s, ahem, situation.
“I want a family, I want to be happy, I want to be in Mike’s shoes. I want to propose. I want to have the feeling of more than just, ‘We’re together and we have a kid.’ I want more than that,” says a tearful Ronnie.
“Everyone else goes and lives their lives, and they’re f—king happy and I don’t have all the s—t they have. It’s just me. Who the f—k is the right person at this point?”
We’d like to say there’s a happy ending to this situation, but — spoiler alert! — Ronnie and Jen are still fighting nonstop and making each other miserable.
In fact, just yesterday, filming on a second season of Family Vacation was halted due to the fact that the season was to take place in Vegas — where Ronnie and Jen live — and their relationship drama was so intense that the production had to be moved to Jersey.
When reality television producers are like, “Whoa, this is all way too intense,” you know things have gotten out of hand.
Watch Jersey Shore online to relive the many trials of Ron.
