You know how when a famous musician dies, unreleased music that was supposedly moldering in a vault somewhere keeps getting released 5, 10, even 20 years after they croak?
Well, apparently for the past decade we’ve been missing out on something much more important than patched-together Tupac singles.
We’re talking, of course, about previously-unseen footage from the Kim Kardashian sex tape.
Yes, arguably the most famous porno of all time is approaching its tenth anniversary, and Vivid – the company responsible for the original “leak” – is celebrating by declaring March 2017 “Kim K Sex Tape Month.”
Execs says they’ll be marking the occasion by releasing new footage from the celebrity sex tape that both made celebrity sex tapes a thing, and kinda made celebrity sex tapes jump the shark.
Naturally, the announcement prompted rumors that we’d finally see the scene whose existence has been rumored for years, in which Kim gets peed on by Ray J.
Sadly, it seems that if such footage exists, it’s in possession of Vladimir Putin, who’s probably saving it in case he ever needs a favor from Kim.
As described, the clip sounds … not that exciting.
According to Radar Online, Ray J quips, “Somebody has to film it … we ain’t go no director!” and then he goes about “directing” Kim, giggles the entire time, because she was still capable of smiling in those days.
Vivid CEO Steve Hirsch issued a public statement to Kim congratulating her on her meteoric rise through the celebrity ranks:
“I can’t believe it’s been 10 years,” Hirsch said.
“I hope you’re as happy as we are with the last ten years. Congratulations on all your success.”
Uh … yeah, we’d say she’s pretty pleased with the past decade, considering she went from Paris Hilton’s closet organizer to one of the most famous women on the planet.
Now, before any of our younger readers go getting any ideas, the “sex tape to stardom” ship has pretty much sailed, and Kim was pretty much the last one to hop aboard.
Back in the day, it was big news when Pam Anderson and Paris Hilton got it on on camera, but now, thanks to events like the Fappening and the increasing difficulty of garnering attention on social media, naked celebrity asses barely make gossip rag headlines.
That said, you can expect the Kylie Jenner sex tape to come out any day, because Kris Jenner is the pimp to end all pimps, and you know all the anniversary has her feeling nostalgic.
Of course, Kim’s sex tape was a once-in-a-generation, lightning-in-a-bottle type of thing, and it seems unlikely that its success will ever be repeated.
It’s like Sergeant Pepper’s, but with butt stuff.
Come to think of it, that describes Kim’s entire career.
