Breaking news:
Kylie Jenner has given birth!
We repeat: Kylie Jenner has given birth!
What? You knew this already?
It happened way back in February, causing Sunday night’s brand new episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians to feel very dated and anti-climactic?
Oh.
Nevertheless, the latest installment of this bizarrely popular E! reality series focused almost entirely on Kylie’s pregnancy and labor.
Early on, Kim joked with Kylie that her expecting state has been the best-kept secret of our generation,” despite literally every website on the Internet writing about it for weeks at the time.
“Your friends deserve awards,” Kim told her sibling, adding that she was never able to keep her pregnancies quiet and saying of Jenner’s close friends.
“Seriously, because now you know you have some real ones.”
Later, while working out with her personal trainer, Kim was stunned when Kourtney Kardashian walked in and delivered the news that Kylie was in labor.
Kim noted that Kylie had asked Khloe to be in the delivery room, at Kim’s behest, while the family later gabbed once again about the secrecy of this birth (Kim: “Can you believe Kylie got out of the hospital with not one report? Now Caitlyn can never say we have big mouths and we leak everything.”) — along how amazing and how easy it all was.
“It was such a positive experience. … She would go, ‘I’m not feeling any pain,’” Kris Jenner explained of her youngest child. “She was so calm.”
Oh, Kris also said she pulled Stormi out of Kylie’s vagina.
“Ewww,” Kim replied upon hearing this news.
“Kylie’s always wanted to be a mom so this is really exciting for her,” Kim told the camera, saying of why the young star didn’t make any official statement until after she gave birth:
“She just didn’t want anyone changing her happy moment and her happy pregnancy, so I’m really proud of her that she stuck to her guns and was able to tell her story her way.”
We believe her.
It definitely didn’t have anything to do with Kylie’s shock and shame over getting impregnated at age 20 by a guy she had only been dating a few months.
“I can already tell that Kylie is gonna be the most amazing mom and is so in love with her baby,” Kris added, as the relatives laid it on as thick as humanly possible.
Eventually, Kylie showed up for dinner, Stormi wrapped up tightly at her bosom while making her television debut.
“Now that it’s all said and done, what is your real take on pregnancy?” Kim asked her sister.
“I liked it. I miss it,” Kylie said ridiculously with a shrug. “I had like, the easiest pregnancy.”
What did she miss about it? What did she like about it?
“You never feel alone and like I was really sad to not be pregnant anymore,” Kylie expounded.
With Chicago Westin the picture on the show, all that remains is for Khloe to give birth and complete the trifecta.
“Khloe, I’m just so excited for you,” Kylie said. “I can’t wait.”
“Chicago was like the new girl in town for like a day,” Kim quipped.
“Stormi’s got three months, maybe as the new girl,” Kourtney said.
NOTE: We made some fun of Kylie and company here because the news is just so old and the glee with which she talked about labor was a tad bit nauseating and absurd.
But we really are happy for Jenner.
SECOND NOTE: The episode also included a memorial to the late family dog Gabbana.
And we’ll never make fun of anyone for mourning the loss of a pet.
Khloe, who had taken Gabbana into her home after Kris and Caitlyn’s divorce, eulogized the canine in a testimonial, saying:
“It’s so crazy to me that a dog can touch your life the way Gabbana’s touched my life. … I could always hear her in my home and now I hear silence.”
May she rest in peace.