2016 Oscar Predictions: Will Spotlight Outshine The Revenant?

It"s that time of year again. 

On Sunday night, millions will tune in to watch pretty people take home gold statues, and Hollywood will expect us to take it all very seriously.

This year, that"s harder than ever as ignorant snubs for films like Straight Outta Compton, Creed, The Hateful Eight, Carol, and Diary of a Teenage Girl make it clear that the average Academy voter is more concerned with nominating films that fit the bill for traditional Oscar fare than with honoring the year"s best and most memorable films.

As a result, we"re left with one of the least populist, most awards-bait-stuffed Best Picture fields in years.

Sure, the Academy threw the average Joe Popcorn Bucket a bone with Mad Max: Fury Road, but with the exception of the film doesn"t stand a chance in any of the major categories (it might not even take home any technical awards).

So while there are many strong contenders this year (For the love of God, see The Big Short, Brooklyn, and Room, if you haven"t already.), there are probably more than a few big nominees you haven"t seen, and there might be a few you"ve never even heard of.

Regardless, many of us will drunkenly toss a $ 20 into the pot and fill in some bubbles before hunkering down to see if anyone trips on the red carpet. (Don"t let us down, J-Law!)

That"s why we"ve assembled the list below to provide you with all the information you"ll need to fleece your friends on Hollywood"s biggest night.

Of course, if you really want to play it safe, just find some uninformed sucker and bet him that all the night"s acting prizes will go to white people.

Unlike minorities working in the film industry, you"re sure to win big!

1. Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio

Perhaps the biggest lock of the night. Leo’s over-the-top work in The Revenant (the Academy loves man tears) coupled with a relentless PR campaign designed to remind us how grueling the shoot was (the man ate A REAL BISON LIVER…for some reason) all but guarantees him his first Oscar. Plus, voters are probably sick of all the memes about how he hasn’t won one already.

2. Best Actress: Brie Larson

Brie Larson’s tour-de-force performance as a kidnapping victim in Room is one for the ages. Expect the Academy to get it right with this one.

3. Best Supporting Actor: Sylvester Stallone

Creed proved that old Sly’s still got some fight left in him. The performance is deserving, but it’s his status as the sentimental favorite that’ll win Rocky the gold.

4. Best Supporting Actress: Alicia Vikander

Alicia Vikander was the best part of The Danish Girl. Most critics have rightfully dismissed the film as beautifully-shot fluff, but Vikander’s star-making performance sticks with you.

5. Best Original Screenplay: Spotlight

Once a favorite for Best Picture, Spotlight seems to have lost some steam in recent months. Expect the Academy to toss the critical darling a bone in the form of a screenplay prize.

6. Best Adapted Screenplay: The Big Short

The Big Short accomplished the nigh-impossible feat of making the nitty-gritty of the 2008 housing market collapse accessible to the average viewer. Even more impressively, the adaptation of Michael Lewis’ nonfiction best-seller is legitimately laugh-out-loud funny. Any film with the audacity to have Selena Gomez break the fourth wall to explain collateralized debt obligations to the audience deserves a writing award.

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Leonardo DiCaprio: NOT Raped By a Bear in The Revenant!

If you’ve seen the trailer for The Revenant, then you know much of the plot revolves around the after-effects of Leonardo DiCaprio’s ugly encounter with a very large, very angry grizzly.

The Revenant Trailer

While the film’s been the subject of Oscar buzz for several months now, the first screenings for critics and industry insiders were just held this week, and they’ve resulted in one very odd, very ridiculous rumor.

“An explicit moment from Oscar-winning director Alejandro Inarritu has caused maximum controversy in early screenings,”  claims the (n)ever-reliable Drudge Report. “Some in the audience escaped to the exits when the Wolf of Wall Street met the Grizzly of Yellowstone.

“The story of rural survivalism and revenge reaches new violent levels for a mainstream film. The bear flips Leo over and thrusts and thrusts during the explicit mauling. He is raped – twice!”

Several mainstream sites picked up the story and now, movie-goers are genuinely concerned about being forced to watch Leo get sexually assaulted by a grizzly.

The rumor has gotten so much attention that a campaign manager for Jeb Bush posted a tweet asking if anyone knew of actual historical examples of bear rape. Seriously.

The speculation has reached such a fever pitch that a spokesman for Fox actually issued a statement clarifying that Leo does not become a victim of inter-species sodomy in the film:

“As anyone who has seen the movie can attest, the bear in the film is a female who attacks [DiCaprio’s character] Hugh Glass because she feels he might be threatening her cubs. There is clearly no rape scene with a bear.”

So there you have it. Leonardo DiCaprio did not get raped by a bear in order to improve his chances of winning an Oscar.

It would’ve been far too risky. If just one critic to took the scene as a commentary on the recent Harvey Weinstein allegations, Leo’s career would be sunk.