Lindsay Lohan wears many hats.
She’s an Instagram model; she probably still thinks of herself as an actress – but most importantly, she’s the international peacekeeper the planet needs right now.
You may scoff, but that’s only because you haven’t read Lindsay’s 2-point plan for saving the world:
1. Fold history in half, whatever the f–k that means.
2. Get every dictator on the phone, then be all, “Turn down for what?!”
Linds posted the above photo last night (in which she tagged Victoria’s Secret), along with a caption reading:
“If history were to be folded … Where would we put the crease? Pray for the ones we lose everyday and appreciate every breathe you take #nice #turkey #turnup and do something (goodnight and sleep with an idea for the future)”
Yup. Linds is totes enlightened these days – but she’s still not great at the whole “stringing words together to make a sentence” thing.
Hilariously, now she’s dating a rich Russian guy, Linds obviously fancies herself a citizen of the world.
She’s like Bogart in Casablanca or that girl in your western civ class who did a semester abroad and came back with an accent.
Gone are the days of stumbling in and out of limos on Sunset.
Now, Lindsay throws people’s phones in the ocean while vacationing on exotic Greek islands, and she comments on world affairs just like she saw the people on the tee-vee do.
When was the last time you saw someone in Congress advise the people of Nice to turn up? Exactly.
Of course, it’s possible we’re misreading this whole thing, and Lindsay really just wants some nice turkey and turnips for dinner.
Like Ulysses, critics will be unpacking this thing for decades.
