To say that things have been rough for Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra recently would be a pretty massive understatement.
And that’s because things have been undoubtedly, overwhelmingly hard for a long, long time now.
Besides, you know, all the problems they have that stemmed from having parents with drug addictions and a tendency to be cruel, plus the trauma they experienced after placing their first daughter up for adoption, they’ve been dealing with some severe mental illness in the past few months.
Catelynn gave birth to their daughter Nova in 2015, and after that she developed postpartum depression.
Her depression lasted for a long time, and it was so bad that she had to check into a treatment center in March of 2016. But even after coming home after that, she still struggled a lot.
At some point last year, she seemed to feel a bit better, at least enough that she and Tyler decided to try for another baby.
She did get pregnant, but she had a miscarriage, which triggered suicidal feelings.
She went off to rehab to get that under control, and after six weeks of treatment, she came home, where she stayed for a few weeks before deciding she needed even more treatment.
Six weeks after that, she came home again with new medications, a new diagnosis of PTSD, and an urge to help others suffering from mental illness.
One of those other people?
Tyler.
While Catelynn was in treatment after the miscarriage, Tyler stayed home, caring for their daughter and their home and their business, all while grieving himself.
As the weeks went on, he seemed to become overwhelmed with it all, and he was open about what a difficult time he was having.
He went to therapy himself while Cate was away, and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
There have been rumors that after she came home and got settled back in that he would go to treatment himself, but he’s denied those rumors, saying that if anything, he might go on a spiritual retreat for a week or so.
But for the past few days, he’s been making some strange posts on social media that has fans more concerned than ever.
It started last week when he tweeted that he’s always loved writing and that he used to write poetry when he was younger, so he decided to start up again.
“I gotta tell ya,” he added, “what comes out of this brain of mine onto paper…Freaks. Me. Out. My brain is a way darker place than I thought.”
After that, he apparently felt moved to tweet a little sample.
“Why do I always do this to myself,” this poem began. “Why do I always ignore what’s safe for me & instead go search for some fatal battle, like I would rather be dead or let the devil take the handle from me.”
“What’s wrong with me!? What’s wrong with this brain of mine!?”
The next day, he added to it, writing “What’s wrong with this brain of mine. How can I just sit here & build up so much f-cking rage & pain inside.”
“It’s like I’m my own worst enemy & fighting this demon inside of me possesses all of my energy, so where’s the preacher at? I’ve been cursed & I don’t think I’m coming back.”
Then he really shared a lot on Instagram — he posted what looks like a screenshot of a series of these poems he typed up.
There’s a bit cut off, obviously, and you can read all of it if you feel moved to do so, but even at a glance, it’s obvious that this is all pretty dark.
You can see a bit about his father, Butch, in the line “I can still find the strength as a man even without the influence of a dad.”
In another section, he wrote “From on top of this mountain, I’ll cut these ties not my wrists. I’ll fight with these words instead of my fists.”
Suicide and violence? Uh … you OK, Tyler?
The newest poem he shared is very similar to all the others — more ramblings about his brain.
In this one, he wrote about “feeling broken, beaten, devalued, out of place.”
“It just leaves me shattered and every time I think about my life, my brain becomes battered with only one question…does my life really even matter?!”
In the caption for this one, Tyler explained that it’s “relieving to have somewhere to put all these thoughts & emotions,” and he added a “my own therapy” hashtag.
But with all these extremely troubled thoughts about self worth and cutting wrists, maybe it’s worth looking into some additional therapy, you know?
It seems like Catelynn is feeling better these days, so let’s just hope that Tyler can do the same.
