You know, Corinne Olympios worries that it"s her fault that The Bachelorette sucks now. Maybe … or maybe not. But Bachelor in Paradise doesn"t seem to have lost its stride.
ABC teased the Bachelor Nation with an intense trailer for the upcoming season.
It has hookups, yet another love triangle, jealousy, a fight, a lot of crying, a proposal, and … accusations of witchcraft. You know, summer fun!
Okay, so let"s go through what"s going on.
Wells Adams is dating Sarah Hyland in real life, so he"s not mingling. Instead, he and Yuki are bartending — and of course keeping contestants to the new Bachelor in Paradise 2-drink maximum imposed last year.
There are also some guest appearances, including Ashley Iaconetti, who is dating Jared Haibon.
We can already tell you what that visit is all about — because Ashley isn"t there to mingle.
Ashley and Jared get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise.
But others are still on the prowl for their special someone"s.
So, one of the best parts of this whole dang trailer is watching Kendall grab Leo"s (admittedly impressive) chest.
As a rule, contestants on Bachelor in Paradise tend to be as beautiful as they are messy, but Leo is clearly making a number of the others feel a little out of their league.
As Kendall gropes his pec, there is probably a taxidermy joke in there somewhere. Maybe about stuffing and mounting.
Colton, of course, lands himself in a love triangle. We wouldn"t have expected any less.
Apparently, Chris and Tia are going to be a thing? Yeah. Colton doesn"t love that.
It looks like stuff is going to happen between Kevin and Astrid.
It also looks like he"s going to reconnect — to some extent — with his ex, Bibiana.
Jordan and Krystal are, at the very least, going to spend some time bonding if not boning. But don"t worry — Jordan will still have plenty of time to feud with David, who seems determined to ruin Jordan"s time in Paradise.
David isn"t shy about it, either. He comes right out and says it.
Dude.
And it looks like Jenna will play a role in this explosive, ongoing feud.
Did you spot Eric with Angela? Because they show up as a pair more than once in the trailer.
It"s worth noting that Angela is currently following Eric on Instagram, which is probably a good sign. Either they"re still together or they parted on reasonably good terms.
Grocery Store Joe is there! And it looks like he and Leo both have the hots for Kendall, which may be what leads Leo to describe Joe as "Grocery Store B–ch."
Rude, dude.
And that brings us to Kamil and … the witch.
We"re kidding. While obviously people are free to practice whatever sort of spiritual or religious path they"d like, Shushanna does not appreciate the accusation that she"s a witch.
"First, I"m a Russian hooker," Shushanna laments. "Then, I"m European trash. And now, I"m a witch."
There"s more, of course.
Arie and Lauren are back, which honestly seems like an ill omen. Not unlike a bunch of birds just dropping dead and falling out of the sky.
And let"s not forget our favorite line: "I"m back in Paradise, where I had my first orgasm."
This show is … a gift.
