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Jennifer Lopez Goes Pole Dancing A-Rod Shoots Clutch Video

Kate Middleton: Why Is She ALWAYS Carrying That Clutch?

Kate Middleton is not a woman we think of as being particularly mysterious.

Sure, there are some conspiracy theories about Kate (the Queen hates her and wants her beheaded; she weaseled her way into the royal family by threatening to expose them as lizard people, etc.), but for the most part she lives her life in the open.

However, there’s one persistent enigma that’s haunted Kate-watchers from the second she decided she was willing to overlook Will’s face for a shot at becoming royalty:

Why is she forever clutching that clutch like it’s got the antidote inside?

If, like us, you spend the bulk of your spare time poring over pics of Kate with a magnifying glass in hopes of being the first to spot the next Kate Middleton wardrobe malfunction (don’t judge!), then you know she’s seldom photographed without it.

Obviously, it’s not always the same clutch; Kate always coordinates with whatever outfit she’s wearing.

But a clutch of some variety is the Duchess’ constant companion at royal engagements, and we demand to know why, dammit!

We’ll get to the less important matters like Putin installing a puppet dictator as our president later.

Fortunately, we’re not the only ones obsessing over Kate’s mystery bag.

Myka Meier, the made-up sounding founder of an NYC etiquette school, recently told Good Housekeeping that there’s a very practical reason why Kate always has two hands on her clutch (tee-hee), like a running back who prides himself on his fundamentals.

“[Kate] holds her bag in front of her in both hands when shaking hands might be awkward,” Meier says.

So the bag is probably empty, and it’s a prop for an elaborate charade to avoid unwanted physical contact.

We’re actually kind of with Kate on this one.

In fact, we wouldn’t mind if 2017 became the year that we altogether abolished handshakes as a form of greeting.

They’re pointless and outdated, and there’s always that one jerk-ass who has to assert dominance by trying to crush your phalanges into a fine powder.

Hey, now that we have a tiny-handed president, maybe they’ll be outlawed! Silver lining!

Anyway, it seems like Kate’s ubiquitous accessory isn’t actually necessary, as there are rules in place to help royals avoid touching peasant flesh.

William Hanson, an expert on royal etiquette, who presumably questions his career choices every hour on the hour, says Kate needn’t go to such extremes simply to avoid pressing palms with the plebes:

“The Duchess of Cambridge may well prefer not to shake hands with certain people – but there are other ways to achieve this, as used by The Queen and other members of the royal family, than opting for a clutch over a bag with a strap,” Hanson tells the Daily Mail, presumably while nibbling on a crumpet.

‘It is protocol that you do not extend your hand to any member of the royal family (blood royal or those who have married in to the family) unless their hand extends first.’

Hanson says the key to Kate avoiding unwanted physical contact lies in passive-aggressive hand gestures.

“A courteous smile at those whom she does not have time to shake hands will suffice.”

View Slideshow: Kate Middleton Would Never Survive The Hunger Games

We think Hanson is missing the point here:

Instead of being coached to ditch her accessory, Kate should be praised for her ingenious method of dodging unwanted social niceties.

Now if she figures out a way to avoid small talk with in-laws, the UK should just go ahead and put her face on all of its currency.

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