Donald Trump to Rex Tillerson: You"re Fired!

If you’re having trouble keeping track of all the White House departures in recent weeks, fear not – we’re sure Donald Trump has no idea what the hell is going on, either.

The latest to earn a tombstone in the growing pet cemetery at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is none other than former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who was 86’ed by the president in a meeting that surely concluded Trump’s famous catchphrase.

We’re referring, of course, to “Oh God, Russia really has me the balls. We’re all screwed, like really so much more bigly screwed than anyone realizes.”

Ha! Classic Donnie!

News of the Tillerson’s termination was first reported by The Washington Post and confirmed by Trump on Twitter this morning:

“Mike Pompeo, Director of the CIA, will become our new Secretary of State. He will do a fantastic job!” Trump tweeted with his usual bravado.

He added that this is totally a win for diversity, too, you guys:

“Thank you to Rex Tillerson for his service! Gina Haspel will become the new Director of the CIA, and the first woman so chosen. Congratulations to all!”

With no diplomatic experience and a career spent entirely in the private sector, Tillerson was a controversial pick when he was selected by Trump back in December of 2016.

Of course, this is the Trump administration we’re talking about, so the choice was upstaged by a larger controversy before lunch that same day.

Throughout his time as the nation’s top diplomat, Tillerson repeatedly locked horns with Trump, at one point speaking for most of the country when he derided the president as a “f–king moron” during a meeting with top officials.

After the meeting, Tillerson held an awkward press conference in which he praised the president’s intellect.

Notably, he never denied calling Trump a moron.

Adding to the hilarity of the situation, Trump later suggested that he and Tillerson “should compare IQ tests.”

“And I can tell you who is going to win,” the President of the United States quipped.

Throughout his tenure, Tillerson clashed with Trump on the question of how best to handle North Korean hostility.

It’s not yet known if Tillerson’s departure is in any way tied to Trump’s recent decision to meet with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un.

Rexy, we hardly knew ye.

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Rex Tillerson: Who Is Donald Trump"s Pick For Secretary of State?

The barrage of baffling information pouring out of Trump Tower these days is such that it can be hard to keep track of who’s been appointed to what cabinet position, and which random-ass celebrity has paid a visit to the president-elect.

To compound the confusion, Trump has taken to slamming intelligence agencies like the CIA (an unprecedented move by an American president) in response to their reports that Russian cyber-attacks were coordinated to help Trump win the Electoral College.

It would be an ideal time for a conciliatory, middle-of-the-road pick for a top cabinet position in order to at least create the illusion that Trump has the slightest interest in mending fences following the ugliest presidential campaign in US history.

But Trump didn’t lose the popular vote by a mere 2.7 million votes by adhering to the rules of conventional wisdom and common sense!

So if you had your fingers crossed that the Donald would keep his promises to “bring the country together” and act like a human being who has any business serving as the President of the United States of America, it may be time to bury those hopes along with the rest of your dreams for the future.

Yesterday, Trump’s team announced that Exxon-Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson would be the president-elect’s choice for secretary of state.

The news was met with criticism from both sides of the aisle, as both Democrats and moderate Republicans had hoped for a more qualified candidate (say, someone who’s actually held some sort of public office before) with far less political baggage.

In addition to his ties with one of the world’s largest fossil fuel giants, Tillerson has a longstanding relationship with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

In fact, Putin awarded Tillerson Russia’s Order of Friendship medal in 2013, and the two have reached deals on billions of dollars in oil contracts that can only go forward if the US lifts sanctions against Russia.

Needless to say, folks who were hoping Trump would begin taking steps to distance himself from his Russian comrades are not thrilled with the Tillerson nomination.

In fairness, as CEO of Exxon, Tillerson did admit that climate change is a “problem,” and that’s it up to humans to find an “engineering solution.”

Of course, his company is also under investigation for lying to investors and the public about Exxon’s role in the climate crisis, so it looks like Rex is about as firm in his beliefs as his new boss.

In any event, the real loser here is Mitt Romney, who got roasted on social media for kissing some serious spray-tanned ass, only to be denied any sort of role within Trump’s administration.

Just kidding, the real loser is the American people.

We’re just trying to do that thing where we crack jokes to keep from bursting into tears. 

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