Monday on Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 14, Schwartz voiced his opinions about his bachelor party, while Katie raged at Scheana.
Elsewhere, Stassi was given more relationship advice, but if you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you know how that typically goes.
The wedding of Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz and the lead-up to that epic event was bound to the focal point of this entire season.
Still, could anyone imagine just how big of a disaster of an experience it would be? Okay, everyone could’ve, but seeing it play out?
Wow. Just wow.
To wit, Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 14 focused on a spa day, which had to be the most stressful and least enjoyable ever.
Prior to that, we learned that Katie and Tom forgot to put room on their wedding invitations for people to include … wait … their names.
They may know the number of guests, in other words, but they don’t know who’s coming. Minor details. If only that was as bad as it got …
Katie, falling more into the traditional Bridezilla role by the minute, ominously tells Kristen Doute that people “need to start falling in line.”
Uhh, okay Steve Bannon.
Ariana Madix, meanwhile, fills Lisa Vanderpump in on what happened at James Kennedy’s DJ set, as if LVP weren’t already well aware.
Oh, and Tom Sandoval is attempting to reboot his modeling career … with a shoot at Joe Simpson’s house. Can’t make this stuff up.
Tom Schwartz, who tags along, is star-struck by Jessica’s father. Sandoval is just star-struck by himself, or the feeling he gets at least.
“When I get my photo taken, it’s giving my soul life,” Sandoval says, and as ridiculous as that is, we gotta say we love the guy for it.
He is unabashedly himself.
Plus, Tom and Ariana are downright normal compared to other couples on this show, namely James and Raquel, who has trust issues.
James is still somehow denying he cheated on her even though everyone saw it and there are photos of it, but hey, it’s Trump’s America.
Lie enough and people start to buy it, or grow too exhausted by refuting the lie that they resign themselves to quieting down, or both.
In other toxic couple news, Brittany Cartwright and Jax Taylor take her mother’s advice and go to church. The sermon is about anger.
Stassi, while this is going on, is at her mother Dayna’s house, showing us a rare selfless side of her caring for her mom post-hysterectomy.
Her brother Nikolai, 11, counsels Stassi about her split with Patrick. For Schroeder, an 11-year-old’s advice might actually be an improvement.
After a brief interlude in which Tom plays a hologram in Peter’s new sci-fi movie (let that sentence sink in for a sec) it’s bridal shower time.
Also known as unrelaxing spa day time.
Scheana attempts to strike a peace accord between Ariana and Stassi, which worked well until Katie issued more threats about negativity.
The irony is lost on her, apparently.
As Katie rails and warns against toxic attitudes and bad behavior among members of her bridal party, the accused finally speak out.
Scheana brings up that Katie is a mean when she drunk texts, which leads to a fight and a sad reminder that they are like 30 years old.
Seriously. Thirty years old.
Finally, on the bachelor party side, Schwartz’s (or the producers’) request is for the guys to dress in drag on their New Orleans trip.
Thus, they head over to Lisa’s (where else, because it’s clearly the producers’ idea) to try on the boss’ finest dresses and jewels.
All is right with the world, until Tom and Katie get into yet another argument later in which she’s upset about him defending Ariana.
As she storms out, leaving Tom alone with the check he would probably bounce if he paid by check, we have to wonder aloud:
Why are these two getting married exactly? And if they do, will it possibly last? Hit the comments and discuss all things Pump.
