We’re very sorry to report that Piers Morgan is dead.
Not really, of course.
The British television personality is still breathing.
But he’s just been eviscerated to such an extent by J.K. Rowling that we might as well hold a funeral for the public persona of Piers Morgan.
He has proved himself to be utterly useless.
It all started last Friday when Morgan was a guest on Real Time with Bill Maher last Friday and went to extremes in his passionate defense of Donald Trump and the President’s controversial immigration ban.
Fellow guest Jim Jeffries simply couldn’t handle it any longer, blowing up at Morgan with two simple words:
F-CK OFF!
Actually, he said a bit more at the time.
“You say ‘He hasn’t done this, he hasn’t done that, he’s not going to do all these things,"” the comedian continued, addressing Morgan while imitating him. “Give him a f-cking chance, mate.”
Because, as Jeffries added, “Hitler didn’t kill the Jews on the first day – he worked up to it.”
Watch the fiery and awkward (and awesome!) exchange below:
Rowling was one of the many celebrities who applauded Jeffries and slammed Morgan, leading to an epic feud between the British stars.
After Rowling Tweeted that it was “satisfying” to watch Morgan get cursed off on Real Time, Morgan replied as follows:
“This is why I’ve never read a single word of Harry Potter.”
To which Rowling perfectly fired back:
“Because you had a premonition that one day the author would roar with laughter at seeing you called out for your bullshit on live TV?”
Much to the pleasure of everyone who wanted to see Morgan get his pompous rear end handed to him, the feud went back and forth from there:
“.@piersmorgan If only you’d read Harry Potter, you’d know the downside of sucking up to the biggest bully in school is getting burned alive,” wrote Rowling at one point.
“No bigger bullies right now than the shrieking, hysterical anti-Trump celebrity brigade. You lost, so suck it up Dolores,” replied Morgan.
It was all very entertaining – and we got distracted from it for a few moments after Morgan went after Beyonce – but now it’s become tragic.
We almost feel bad for Morgan, considering the exchange that went down this morning on social media.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, Rowling shared a screenshot of a passage someone wrote about her.
The passage praised the author as someone who “definitely matters” because she encourages “children to read, feel inspired and be creative” and therefore has had a “great impact” on the world at large.
“Just been sent this! Could the writer let me know who he is? I’d love to thank him!” Rowling wrote as a caption.
And then Piers Morgan… that silly, ignorant, oblivious, idiotic Piers Morgan… went ahead and took the bait.
“Priceless #humblebrag BS. Nobody plays the celebrity game more abusively or ruthlessly than you, Ms ‘Intensely Private Billionaire’,” wrote Morgan in response.
But here’s the thing:
MORGAN WROTE THAT! HE’S THE WRITER ROWLING WAS CITING!
Back in 2010, Morgan gushed over Rowling, listing her as the 97th most important British celebrity – but acknowledging in the above passage that she would be higher if played the “celebrity game.”
As you might expect, Twitter users could scarcely contain their glee over this subTweet and Morgan’s perfect reply to it:
Three hours his self-inflicted burn went live, Morgan claimed that he was well aware that he wrote those words about Rowling six-plus years ago.
“Relax, quarter-wit, I knew what it was. Just surprised I put her as high as 97th,” he wrote to a critic.
Yeah. We aren’t buying that. Not for a nanosecond.
If anyone would ever tailor made for House Slytherian, it would be Piers Morgan.