Perhaps you haven’t been keeping up on the post-retirement antics of former baseball semi-great Lenny “Nails” Dykstra.
So allow us to fill you in with the breathless glee of someone bringing you up to speed on the world’s most bonkers reality show.
Basically, imagine a form of batsh-t behavior and ya boy Lenny D has done it twice and bragged about it on social media.
Random feud with Lena Dunham?
Did it and then tried to have sex with her.
Accusing Charlie Sheen of murder?
You better believe it happened and that every hard drug under the sun was involved.
That last story left us with the impression that the 55-year-old chewing tabacky enthusiast’s most depraved days were behind him.
But just as we were beginning to give up hope, Nails went ahead and out-Nailsed himself.
That’s Lenny’s latest mug shot, taken Wednesday after he was investigated for allegedly assaulting an Uber driver:
Dykstra was eventually charged with making terroristic threats, as well as possession of cocaine, marijuana, and MDMA.
So either police searched him, or they just casually asked, “What’s in ya pockets today, Lenny?” as soon as they arrived on the scene.
The driver told police that Dykstra put a gun to his head, but no weapon was recovered at the scene.
Dykstra denied the allegations in the sort of profanity-laced tirade that appears to be his sole means of communication:
“The guy went nuclear on me,” he told the New York Daily News.
“He f–king kidnapped me and almost killed me going 100 mph. He locked me in his f–king car, and he wouldn’t let me out.”
Hilariously, Dykstra later brushed off the charges on Twitter by quoting Taylor Swift:
“But I keep cruising, can’t stop, won’t stop moving. It’s like I got this music in my mind, sayin’ gonna be alright,” he wrote.
This latest arrest, of course, is far from Dykstra’s first brush with the law.
He was sentenced to six and a half months in federal prison in December 2012 after pleading guilty to bankruptcy fraud, concealment of assets and money laundering.
That same year, Dykstra was sentenced to three years behind bars after pleading no contest to three counts of grand theft auto and filing a false police statement.
The prison sentences ran concurrently and Dykstra was released in June of 2013.
Sadly, he went right back to being Lenny Dykstra.
No word yet on whether or not Dykstra is facing more prison time, but we’ll keep you posted as more ridiculous details emerge.
