In case you somehow haven’t heard by now, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry will be married on Saturday with their loved ones looking on.
Meghan’s family won’t be there, of course, but we assume they’ll check it out on TV if there’s nothing else on.
Anyway, the ceremony is sure to feature all the glitz and glamor and bedazzled, horse-drawn carriages that have made previous royal weddings so memorable.
But this time there’s a giant elephant in the room in the room, and he’s wearing a diaper.
Just ten weeks after she says “I do,” Meghan will turn 37.
That’s certainly not old, by any means, and anyone with functioning eyeballs can see that Meghan is a gorgeous woman who could convincingly play a character a decade her junior.
Unfortunately, it’s a sad fact of human anatomy that the uterus is incapable of fooling a casting director.
That’s our very idiotic way of saying that if Harry and Meghan want kids, they better work quickly.
And according to a new report from Radar Online, they’re planning to do exactly that.
“Harry and Meghan want to get pregnant as quickly as possible after their wedding,” a source tells the site.
“They both know that as Meghan gets older, it can get increasingly harder to conceive – and they are both keenly aware of her vulnerability to health complications and the chance of miscarriage the older she gets.”
And, of course, they’re both well aware of what’s at stake.
If Meghan produces a male heir within the first year of marriage, her family will be gifted with four stout pack mules and a fowl of their choosing.
If she fails, she’ll be locked in the Tower of London, where she’ll remain until a knight of virtue true slays the two-headed hydra.
We haven’t looked any of this stuff up, but we feel perfectly comfortable putting it out on the internet because we never learned how to be responsible.
In all seriousness, the insider adds that while there’s “no chance” that Harry would have held off on marrying Meghan if she couldn’t bear children, the couple has already consulted with a fertility expert who has assured them that all systems are go.
“Meghan has always looked after herself by eating healthily, and doing a lot of exercise including yoga,” says the source.
“Being in optimum health increases any woman’s chances of conceiving, and someone in Meghan’s shape should especially have no problem in that area,” the insider adds.
“The only issue is that she knows she is heading for the big 4-0, so knows the sooner she gets pregnant the better.”
As you’ve probably heard by now, Meghan’s siblings and father are all terrible, so it’s comforting to know she’ll soon have a family of her own.
They say the best revenge is living well.
And the second best revenge is having ridiculously photogenic children.
