20 Douchiest Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes in Human History

Gwyneth Paltrow.  The name is synonymous with "Privileged," which must give her license to say the most ridiculous, most obnoxious things in the world.

The Oscar winner and GOOP founder covers the May issue of SELF, which is apt given how much she talks about the organic, pristine, 24-carat life she enjoys.

Let"s take a gander at the droplets of wisdom and advice that absolutely no one can relate to.

1. Americans Are Gross

“We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art, and literature — all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”

2. "I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."

Can’t you do both?

3. Listen To Your Friend, Beyonce

“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun. She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that.”

4. Stop Projecting Your Poor-Person Sh** On Her

“My books are No. 1 New York Times best sellers, my website is growing every day and is very successful. If people who know me and love me have a criticism, then I really want to hear it. But if not, it’s just a projection, like I’m a screen, and it’s not about me, so I don’t absorb it.” (The Kit)

5. Do These Fries Make Me Look Fat?

“We basically can’t live without Vegenaise—it’s a little out of control.”

6. #ScienceTalk

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air. I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.” (Cosmo UK)

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20 Douchiest Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes in Human History

Gwyneth Paltrow.  The name is synonymous with "Privileged," which must give her license to say the most ridiculous, most obnoxious things in the world.

The Oscar winner and GOOP founder covers the May issue of SELF, which is apt given how much she talks about the organic, pristine, 24-carat life she enjoys.

Let"s take a gander at the droplets of wisdom and advice that absolutely no one can relate to.

1. Americans Are Gross

“We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art, and literature — all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”

2. "I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."

Can’t you do both?

3. Listen To Your Friend, Beyonce

“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun. She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that.”

4. Stop Projecting Your Poor-Person Sh** On Her

“My books are No. 1 New York Times best sellers, my website is growing every day and is very successful. If people who know me and love me have a criticism, then I really want to hear it. But if not, it’s just a projection, like I’m a screen, and it’s not about me, so I don’t absorb it.” (The Kit)

5. Do These Fries Make Me Look Fat?

“We basically can’t live without Vegenaise—it’s a little out of control.”

6. #ScienceTalk

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air. I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.” (Cosmo UK)

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Martin Shkreli Purchases $2 Million Wu-Tang Album, Remains Douchiest Man Alive

You may remember Martin Shkreli as the smirking cartoon supervillain who jacked up the price of a life-saving medication more than 5,400 percent.

But if you looked at that picture and figured Shkreli couldn’t get any more punchable, prepare to be amazed.

It turns out that in addition to being so hardcore that he pretended to break his hand in a fit of rage during a feud with Bernie “Da Boss” Sanders, Shkreli considers himself to be fully down with the streets, son.

In fact, his love of the hippity-hop runs so deep that when criticized for endangering the lives of millions of HIV patients by denying them access to a drug that helps stave off deadly infections, Shkreli responded by tweeting a bunch of Eminem lyrics.

Now, Shkreli has further demonstrated that cash rules everything around him by shelling out an astonishing $ 2 million for a single-pressing album from the Wu-Tang Clan.

Yes, the legendary hip hop group recently cemented its legacy as a bunch of guys who take themselves way too seriously by releasing a one-of-a-kind album that was sealed in a vault in Morocco before being purchased at auction last month.

It was initially reported that the buyer wanted to remain anonymous, which made sense, because who would want to be associated with such an obnoxiously extravagant purchase?

Sources later claimed that Quentin Tarantino bought the record, which also made sense, because Quentin Tarantino.

Now, Bloomberg Business is confirming that the disc was purchased by none other than the Doucheface Killah himself, Martin Shkreli.

If you’re hoping to hear the album yourself, then you may want to look into having your brain cryogenically preserved, because the Wu has insisted on an 88-year commercial ban, meaning that aside from Shkreli and his assuredly douchetastic inner circle, no one will hear Once Upon a Time in Shaolin until 2103.

Sources say Shkreli has yet to listen to the album himself, but of course, if there’s any justice in the universe, his face will immediately melt, a la an Indiana Jones Nazi, the moment he opens the packaging.