At this point in the election, it seems unlikely that any undecided voters are scouring the Internet in a last-minute effort to determine whether or not this Donald Trump character can be trusted.
But in case there are any dithering Ken Bones out there (JK, there’s only one Ken Bone) looking to do some 11th hour research, allow us to lend a hand:
Donald Trump is the darkest timeline come to life.
He’s the answer to various questions no one asked, like:
“Hey, what would happen if racist bathroom graffiti came to life, fashioned a crude toupee out of a bale of hay, and ran for president?”
He’s a bigoted Cheeto that never received enough love from its Cheeto parents, but inherited 14 million Cheeto Bucks and a thriving Cheeto real estate empire when they died.
In short, he’s not tremendously qualified for the office he seeks.
Also, he can’t keep his tiny hands off the women he interacts with in his professional life.
Even if you’re the uninformed K-Bone type, you’re probably aware that a dozen women have accused Trump of sexual assault.
Trump called the women liars, accused them of conspiring with Hillary Clinton, threatened to sue them, and probably left a flaming bag of dog crap on their doorsteps.
The accusations have just kept coming, despite Donnie’s huffing and puffing and now, with less than 24 hours until polls open, a new allegation has surfaced and it’s got Trump supporters all like, “Yeah, we knew he was a POS months ago; what’s your point?”
This time, the scandal revolves around a consensual sexual encounter, which is a sentence you only type when reporting on a presidential campaign that’s well and truly f–ked.
Actually, it involves many, many consensual sexual encounters.
According to several media outlets, Trump engaged in a year-long affair with a Playboy model named Karen McDougal while he was married to Melania Trump.
McDougal claims that back in August, she reached a deal with the National Enquirer, in which she sold the rights to exclusively report on her affair for $ 150,000.
The Enquirer never reported the story, and it eventually became clear that they’d bought the rights in order to perpetrate a “catch and kill” situation, in which they would retain the exclusivity, but never go public with the facts.
The Enquirer denies the story, insisting that it paid McDougal for “two years worth of magazine covers and fitness columns.”
Ya know, like those fitness columns penned by former Playboy models that always appear in the Enquirer.
Jeez, if you can’t trust the Donald Trump and the Enquirer, who can you trust?
We’re being sarcastic, but in case our point is too vague:
Donald Trump is about as trustworthy as the freakin’ Enquirer.
Don’t forget to vote tomorrow!