The surprise election of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States of America has effected Americans in countless ways.
Some have felt physically ill for a week straight, while others have committed celebratory hate crimes.
But as has been the case every day for however long he’s been alive, no one has had a stranger reaction than Corey Feldman.
Feldman, as you may know, is the child-star-turned-EDM-vampire who brought his band of “angels” to The Today Show to terrify America with his “Michael Jackson on bath salts” moves.
That may sound unnecessarily harsh, but so does his music.
Seriously, watch the clip again.
The guy looks like the aerobics instructor in his nursing home is teaching everyone to “dab”:
One of the “angels” (his word) who joined Feldman on stage that day is “maingel” (also his word, obvi) Courtney Anne.
Courtney, it seems, is Canadian, which explains why she was too polite to tell Corey his music is terrible.
So, what does Corey’s dumb band of dead-eyed celestial beings and Courtney’s Canuck-ness have to with Trump eking into office on a centuries-old technicality?
Everything!
Okay, really just the one thing:
Apparently, Corey is afraid that because of Trump, Courtney (Their couple name is Core-tny. Like Corey, it sucks.) is worried that Courtney is gonna get deported.
Corey tells People magazine that in order to keep his maingel Stateside, he popped the question while he in Courtney were in Miami Beach recently:
“She was very surprised, excited and started crying,” Feldman recalls.
“She was surprised because we had both been so anti-marriage since we met. But seeing as she’s Canadian and with [Donald] Trump coming in, we didn’t want to risk being separated by new immigration laws.”
He continued:
“We both know that we make a good team, and don’t want to be separated for any reason. So this is the best decision to protect our relationship.”
Corey, Corey, Corey … didn’t you get the memo that when Trump says “immigrants” it’s just code for “brown people”?
Your girl Courtney is a tall, skinny, blonde model, aka Trump’s favorite thing second to himself.
As long as she doesn’t get with in pussy-grabbing range of the Donald’s tiny hands, she’ll be just fine.
If anyone needs to be careful in this situation, it’s Corey.
If he keeps trash talkin’ trash, Trump is gonna build a wall around the ’80s so Corey can’t escape again.
Come to think of it, we probably should’ve done that with Donald.