This morning, Donald Trump held a press conference for the first time in 168 days.
We think it’s safe to say it was the first time in US history that a president-elect prepared for his inauguration by assuring the American people that he has never been a fan of golden showers and is not being blackmailed by the Russian government.
Yes, what sounds like material for a particularly over-the-top satire is now the reality of American politics.
As you’ve no doubt heard, Trump has been accused of “perverted sexual acts” in an intelligence report obtained by BuzzFeed News, in which the president-elect is warned that the Russian government is in possession of potentially damaging footage.
Of course, we really don’t need to mince words here, as if you’ve been on social media in the past 12 hours, you know that the perversion reportedly caught on camera involved the R. Kelly-esque fetish activity known as a “golden shower.”
In fairness, Trump hasn’t been accused of actually urinating on anyone or being urinated on himself.
The alleged footage simply shows him watching a pair of Russian prostitutes to urinate on each other.
Even Trump has his limits, and in the field of international water sports, it seems he prefers to remain an observer, rather than assume the role of Nacho Cheese Dorito-colored urinal cake.
Anyway, Trump was quick to deny the reports during today’s presser, using his new favorite slogan “fake news.”
He then went into detail about exactly why he doesn’t enjoy splashing around in the urine of Eastern European sex workers:
“Does anyone really believe that story? I’m also very much a germaphobe,” Trump told reporters, in what has to be a strong contender for most bonkers moment in the history of American politics.
What’s truly bizarre about the Trump press conference is that the president-elect’s explanation for why he’s no fan of pee play wasn’t even the most troubling part of his press conference.
In what many are taking as an unsettling sign of things to come, Trump attacked reporters from major media outlets whom he feels have been antagonistic to his campaign, at one point engaging in a shouting match with a journalist from CNN:
In the clip above, Trump begins by explaining why he feels modern-day America is similar to Nazi Germany.
He goes on to describe BuzzFeed as a “failing pile of garbage” (It’s worth noting that according to the web traffic analysis firm Alexa, Buzzfeed is among the top 100 most popular websites in America.) before turning his attention to CNN.
“Your organization is terrible,” Trump told the reporter. “You’re fake news.”
Of course, your social media feed will most likely be focused on the day’s most salacious story (“Russian hookers” just has a ring to it, ya know?) so feel to mix things up by pointing out that at no point in this long-anticipated press conference did Trump:
Deny that his campaign team was in contact with Russia, explain how he’ll avoid violating the Constitution’s emoluments clause, or offer any details about his “really terrific” idea to replace Obamacare.
