It’s that time of year, people! ABC’s The Bachelorette is officially, finally back (and The Bachelorette spoilers have already told us who wins!
For real, do not click above if you don’t want to know how it all plays out for Rachel Lindsay and … ooh, that was a close one right there.
Almost gave it away. Phew! Anyway, about last night.
Whether you’re a Bachelorette spoilers fiend or opt to remain in suspense as to who Rachel picks this summer, this much is 100% clear:
Rachel is back, and even more awesome than ever!
The third-place finisher on Nick Viall’s season of The Bachelor snagged the starring role and will be the one doling out the roses this time.
As the first African-American lead in franchise history, there will obviously be a lot of attention paid to Rachel’s race in the coming months.
How big a factor will it really be on the show, though?
Maybe a lot, but maybe not. Lindsay and her suitors are, at their core, just trying to find love (and 15 minutes of fame) like anyone else.
That should be interesting to watch. So who’s in? Who’s out? Who claimed her first impression rose and how many of the 31 men remain?
Let’s break down the highlights of the premiere now!
So a lot of these guys are just not doing it for us.
We’ll just put that out there right now. No one’s dismissing 31 guys collectively right out of the gate, and we know the premiere is an outlier.
Theatrics and gimmicks dominate screen time as each man tries to make a first impression and stand out. It’s par for the course here.
Still … OH MY GOODNESS, the tool factor.
“I work out intensely regularly, which raises testosterone so I would say scientifically my libido is above average,” Blake, a trainer, boasts.
“I don’t want to come across as the guy that talks about his d–k, but many women have told me about the amazingness of my penis.”
If only that was as bad as this got.
Lucas, and his catchphrase “Whaboom,” could be up Lindsay’s alley if she’s really looking for one of the all-time douches this season.
“Whaboom grew from the word boom,” Lucas explains to us in his introd segment. “Not only have I been called a good catch, I’m charismatic.”
“I think that Rachel will get my humor.”
Then there was Adam and puppet Adam Jr., as well as Matt and Jonathan, seemingly engaged in a game of reverse one-up-manship.
The former arrived in penguin garb. The latter used “tickle monster” techniques on Rachel. It really doesn’t get much worse than that.
All of that said, there were some standouts, and the prestigious First Impression Rose went to Lucas. Just kidding. Bryan, come on down!
“From the moment you walked out of the limo, I felt something that was unexplainable and that I just connected with,” Rachel told Bryan.
“There was something there.”
A sneak-attack kiss got the job done, apparently … and being a handsome doctor doesn’t hurt either. Sorry, Josiah. You had a good shot.
Believe it or not, Josiah actually felt he was the front-runner at this point, but stunningly, one of the other 31 GUYS got the rose instead.
The way Bryan had been direct and taken control of the conversation like a man stood out among these boys, and should serve him well.
As Bryan stole one of the first kisses from Rachel, the other dudes could only watch in agony, wondering if they even stand a chance.
Sorry again, Josiah.
“For the ones not getting roses tonight, I truly, truly appreciate your time, but unfortunately I can’t give a rose to everyone tonight,” Rachel says.
“I want to thank you for being here and I want you to remember that,” she adds, before laying down the law and getting down to business.
Bryce received one, along with DeMario and Josiah, Peter, Will, Jack, Jamey, Iggy, Eric, Jonathan, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony and Brady.
Next up were Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Blake E. and … WHABOOM! Lucas got the last rose of the evening, living to fight another week.
And thus, we are down to just 25 men. Eliminated this week were Rob, Kyle, Blake K., Grant, Jedidiah, Michael, Milton and Mo.
Better luck next time, fellas.
