In the six weeks since the world learned that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have split up, rumors about how and why the couple called it quits have been circulating non-stop.
Not surprisingly, the most salacious reports center around Jen’s first husband, actor and beloved menopausal fantasy inspiration Brad Pitt.
According to breathless tabloid headlines and your Aunt Linda who still watches her old Thelma and Louise VHS before bed, Pitt and Aniston are back together, and they’re furiously making up for lost time.
Actual media outlets have already claimed that Brad and Jennifer are married.
These reports are substantiated by nothing other than tips from anonymous sources who talk the way gossip columnists write.
(Pro tip: No one uses the word “steamy” in real life.)
Every time one of these fraudulent reports goes to print, an implicit challenge is issued to other gossip outlets.
And as you can see, the Aussie ‘bloid Woman’s Day was all like, “We’ll see your fake wedding and raise you a fake pregnancy.”
The magazine boldly declares “Yes! Jen’s Pregnant!” without even bothering to cover its ass with a speculative question mark.
“Just months after secretly reigniting their romance,” the former couple is “expecting a much longed-for child,” the cover story claims.
“Friends say the thrilling and surprising news that Jen is pregnant is the real reason the rekindled exes went public with their relationship so soon.”
The story comes complete with a fabricated source who says Jen has cut out booze and cigs, which is the tabloid world’s surest sign that a female celebrity is carrying octuplets:
“In the past two weeks the only social events she’s agreed to have been the non-boozy ones,” says the source.
Exciting stuff, if you’re the type to buy into shameless BS.
Of course, just because the Jen pregnancy story is utter nonsense, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing of value in the newest issue of Woman’s Day.
Like, you convince yourself that due to our increasingly homogeneous global culture, English-speaking countries are all pretty much the same.
Then you find out Aussies are just now getting Young Sheldon and there’s such a thing as a “cricket WAG.” Crikey!
