Rahn, stahp!
Those are the words that viewers might find themselves shouting at their screens throughout the study in arrested development that is Jersey Shore Family Vacation.
Several members of the guido squadron have matured in surprising and satisfying ways, but as Pauly D so eloquently observed, Ronnie-Ortiz Magro remains the president for life of the IFF (the esteemed I’m F–ked Foundation).
This week’s episode saw Ronnie making a brave and foolish gambit by sticking to his “deny everything” credo.
(To his credit, we suppose it takes balls to go on TV and admit that the guiding motto of your life is “lie all the time.”)
Just last month, Ronnie welcomed his first child, but at the time JSFV was filmed, his then-girlfriend, Jen Harley, was pregnant with Magro’s baby.
Needless to say, really adds an additional layer of awfulness to his decision to cheat on Jen with a European club-goer who was unfortunately dubbed “French Fry” by Ron’s roommates.
But did Ron really cheat – or did he just take flirting several steps too far?
We may never know for sure thanks to that damn “automatic door-closer” (Ron’s lies have been more amusing than Pauly’s catchphrases this season, which is really saying something.), but frankly, it doesn’t look good.
“She’s building it all up in her head from [videos] of me twirling a girl,” Ron opined after bizarrely ratting himself out in a conversation with Jen.
“It’s not like the girl was grinding on me or was bent over,” he added.
When Vinny Guadagnino aptly points out that French Fry did, in fact, grind on Ron’s junk. the famous agro Magro ‘roid rage rears its ugly head.
“I did not close the door, and you know what, I didn’t know that the f—king door had an ‘automatic closer’ out of nowhere,” Ronnie argued as a flashback clip of him closing the door to “see if it works” appeared on our screens.”
“So the door shut, so it looked worse than what it really was. I did not shut the door.”
The episode concluded with Jen actually showing up at the house and the question of how long it will take The Situation to blow up Ron’s spot lingered over the ostensibly happy scene.
These days, of course, reality TV shows are multimedia affairs.
We watch the events of several months ago unfold on our TV screens, and then we get real-time updates on social media.
So while last night’s episode may have ended with a cliffhanger, we know exactly how the Ronnie-Jen situation plays out – in a word, horribly.
Just last week, Ronnie called Jen a “c-m dumpster” in a bizarre Instagram rant in which he also accused her of refusing to delete sex tapes she made with her ex.
Now, Ronnie is rumored to be dating Scheana Marie of Vanderpump Rules, which is likely to result in a bi-coastal mess.
It may be painful to watch at times, but the guidos should be insanely grateful for Ron’s drama, as it allows them to bitch about botched haircuts for comic relief while their boy delivers the fireworks that keep people tuning in.
Watch Jersey Shore online to relive all the years of beach-adjacent madness.
