Jersey Shore Recap: Ronnie"s French Fry Situation Gets Greasy

Rahn, stahp!

Those are the words that viewers might find themselves shouting at their screens throughout the study in arrested development that is Jersey Shore Family Vacation.

Several members of the guido squadron have matured in surprising and satisfying ways, but as Pauly D so eloquently observed, Ronnie-Ortiz Magro remains the president for life of the IFF (the esteemed I’m F–ked Foundation).

This week’s episode saw Ronnie making a brave and foolish gambit by sticking to his “deny everything” credo.

(To his credit, we suppose it takes balls to go on TV and admit that the guiding motto of your life is “lie all the time.”)

Just last month, Ronnie welcomed his first child, but at the time JSFV was filmed, his then-girlfriend, Jen Harley, was pregnant with Magro’s baby.

Needless to say, really adds an additional layer of awfulness to his decision to cheat on Jen with a European club-goer who was unfortunately dubbed “French Fry” by Ron’s roommates.

But did Ron really cheat – or did he just take flirting several steps too far?

We may never know for sure thanks to that damn “automatic door-closer” (Ron’s lies have been more amusing than Pauly’s catchphrases this season, which is really saying something.), but frankly, it doesn’t look good.

“She’s building it all up in her head from [videos] of me twirling a girl,” Ron opined after bizarrely ratting himself out in a conversation with Jen.

“It’s not like the girl was grinding on me or was bent over,” he added.

When Vinny Guadagnino aptly points out that French Fry did, in fact, grind on Ron’s junk. the famous agro Magro ‘roid rage rears its ugly head.

“I did not close the door, and you know what, I didn’t know that the f—king door had an ‘automatic closer’ out of nowhere,” Ronnie argued as a flashback clip of him closing the door to “see if it works” appeared on our screens.”

“So the door shut, so it looked worse than what it really was. I did not shut the door.”

The episode concluded with Jen actually showing up at the house and the question of how long it will take The Situation to blow up Ron’s spot lingered over the ostensibly happy scene.

These days, of course, reality TV shows are multimedia affairs.

We watch the events of several months ago unfold on our TV screens, and then we get real-time updates on social media.

So while last night’s episode may have ended with a cliffhanger, we know exactly how the Ronnie-Jen situation plays out – in a word, horribly.

Just last week, Ronnie called Jen a “c-m dumpster” in a bizarre Instagram rant in which he also accused her of refusing to delete sex tapes she made with her ex.

Now, Ronnie is rumored to be dating Scheana Marie of Vanderpump Rules, which is likely to result in a bi-coastal mess.

It may be painful to watch at times, but the guidos should be insanely grateful for Ron’s drama, as it allows them to bitch about botched haircuts for comic relief while their boy delivers the fireworks that keep people tuning in.

Watch Jersey Shore online to relive all the years of beach-adjacent madness.

View Slideshow: Ronnie Magro Brawls with Girlfriend on Instagram Live, Apologizes to Fans After Breakup

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Duggar Fans Stunned By Josh"s Appearance: Get Off the Internet, You Greasy Perv!

We don’t need to tell you that Josh Duggar is one of the most hated people on the internet.

But unlike the yodeling Wal-Mart kid or Mark Zuckerberg Josh definitely deserves all of the vitriol that’s being directed his way.

As you’ll likely recall, Josh molested five of young girls – four of whom were his sisters – while he was still in his teens.

At the time, it was widely assumed that that would be the end of the Duggar media empire.

However, the rest of the family was permitted to return to television on the condition that Josh would not be allowed on their new show.

Thus far, the arrangement seems to be working out for Josh’s siblings.

Unfortunately, their parents insist on gradually re-introducing Josh to the general public, seemingly in hopes of re-building his reputation.

Needless to say, their efforts aren’t going over terribly well.

The Duggars recently traveled to San Antonio, and they shared photos of themselves visiting the city’s famous landmarks, including the Alamo.

Unfortunately, they decided to include Josh in their outings.

As In Touch Weekly points out, fans were downright brutal in their assessment of Josh’s appearance.

Yes, as you can see, Josh looks a bit rumpled and out-of-sorts in the photo above.

And Facebook commenters were more than happy to call attention to the father of five’s disheveled look.

“He looks downright terrible,” wrote one fan, adding that Josh looks “greasy” in the pic.

 “And like he spends his days at a computer watching porn and drinking cheap beer wearing a stained wife-beater, eating Cheetos,” another chimed in.

“Nice rack Josh. He looks like a bloated, full blown alcoholic,” another follower commented.

“Hope the extra pounds diminished his sex appeal in his own mind. Gag. Keep fattening him up Anna, he looks worse and that’s not saying much.”

Like we said, the people of Facebook definitely didn’t hold back here, and we applaud their candor.

Although this is one of those Chris Christie situations where we’ll hesitantly point out that the man has given us so very much to mock and revile that there’s really no need to get into his appearance.

Watch Counting On online for more from reality TV’s most controversial family.

View Slideshow: Josh Duggar Sex Scandal Timeline: How His Family’s Empire Crumbled

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Johnny Depp is Fat, Greasy, Has Bad Teeth, Claims New York Post

Johnny Depp is currently making the media rounds to promote his heavily buzzed-about comeback flick Black Mass.

Naturally, this means that the usually press-shy Depp is stepping out more than usual – and being reminded of exactly why he prefers the solitude of his private island.

Last week, Depp informed Jimmy Kimmel that he would happily bang Kimmel’s entire studio audience. Prior to that, the actor told a group of reporters at the Venice Film Festival that he killed and ate his dogs. 

There was some snark directed at Depp following both remarks, but for the most part, they were chalked up to Johnny being Johnny.

Just when it looked as though Depp might make it through his current junket without the press sharpening its knives on his bones, out comes Page Six to roast the 52-year-old with a hit piece entitled “What Happened to Johnny Depp?” that was apparently written by guest columnist Regina George.

“The actor’s face, chiseled just a few months ago, had swelled into a puffy oval, and the rest of his body looked as if it had gotten just as round,” a grown-up employee of a major publication wrote, in a bafflingly long break-down of Depp’s appearance at the Venice fest.

“His hair appeared greasier than usual, and topping off his look, one of his teeth was red for some mysterious reason. A stain? A stray piece of cranberry? Some sort of pirate thing? We have no idea.”

And in case you were wondering – yes, the author took the opportunity to speculate about Depp’s drinking and the state of his marriage. Stay classy, Page Six!