Gwyneth Paltrow: People Hate Me More Than CHRIS BROWN?!

Maybe it’s the straight-faced recommendation that you purchase a $ 15,000 vibrator.

Maybe it’s her contribution of the term “conscious uncoupling” to the Dictionary of New Age-y Hollywood Bullsh-t.

Or maybe it’s just her smug insistence that she’s a self-made woman who cobbled a career together with no help from anyone – even though her father was a high-powered producer, her mother is a famous actress, and her godfather is Steven freakin’ Spielberg.

Whatever the reason, people really, really, really don’t like Gwyneth Paltrow.

To us, that’s about as mysterious as the fact that people prefer chocolate over kale chips,  but apparently the Goopster herself is shocked – shocked! – that the average American wouldn’t spit if she were on fire.

Asked about the fact that she took the number one spot in a 2013 Star magazine “most hated celebrities” poll, Gwinnie griped that she was just being “authentic self” and totes grew up super poor, you guys.

You almost have to admire her for non-ironically demonstrating the privileged lack of self-awareness that makes her so unlikable while expressing her confusion about why she’s so universally despised.

This interview is like a performance art piece:

“First of all I was like, ‘I’m the most hated celebrity?’ More than, like, Chris Brown? What did I do?” sayeth the mother of Apple, Moses and Hadron Collider. (We may have made that last one up.)

“All I can do is be my authentic self, but I think there are things about me that make people draw conclusions. For example, there is the perception that I grew up very wealthy and that I was given, you know, that I was sort of raised with a silver spoon in my mouth, which inspires a lot of resentment.”

We don’t even know what to say, so we’ll let this Kim Kardashian GIF do the talking:

Seriously, though, it’s hilarious that Gwyneth blames the public’s perception of her on the fact that the plebes mistakenly believe she grew up with a Rolls Royce in her driveway, when really it was just four BMWs.

If she just once dropped the BS and said, “Yeah, I grew up with privileges most people only dream about; I’m crazy pretentious at times, and I cheated on the food stamp challenge,” maybe people wouldn’t rather spend a weekend locked in a closet with Kanye and a coked-up Charlie Sheen than sit through one of her movies.

Come to think of it, does she still make movies? 

View Slideshow: 20 Douchiest Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes in Human History

Gwyneth Paltrow Found You a $15K Vibrator. You"re Welcome.

If there’s anyone less qualified to offer you sex toys than the world’s WASP-iest woman, then I implore that person to step forward.

Gwyneth Paltrow imagines she’s doing the Lord’s work by offering her readers high-end sex toys, edited neatly on her pretentious lifestyle site that I hate/love, GOOP.

Your regular, hum-drum “goody draw” needs an upgrade.  Like, coach-to-first-class-and-you-pay-the-difference upgrade.

The lube you’re using has parabens, and those condoms may have prevented several unwanted pregnancies and STDs, but are they “vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free?”

I think not!

Thanks to a particular scene from Netflix’s Grace & Frankie, we’re now aware that drugstore lubricants are dangerous.

“We’d never considered what went into lube, and that it’s actually super toxic (the most popular options contain parabens, for one) and that we are in theory putting it into the most vulnerable and permeable parts of our bodies,” GOOP pointed out.

“So, maybe Frankie was onto something when she called her yam-lube invention ‘a big moment in the history of the vagina.’”

Now you’ve got us all paranoid about our nether regions, Gwynnie.

View Slideshow: 9 Really Weird Places These Celebrities Have Had Sex

If you’re worried about your genitals falling off as a result of toxic lube and want to give them a final hurrah they soon won’t forget, might GOOP interest you in Lelo Inez’s 24k gold vibrator?

It was designed “for those who understand that you can’t put a price on pleasure,” so surely you’re ok with dropping $ 15,000.

For those of you who are too poor for such luxury, might GOOP interest you in the stainless steel version ($ 7,900)?

If you were deciding between that dress at Neiman Marcus or a “black and gold cat whip by Agent Provocateur,”ask yourself which one who kiss you goodnight.

Neither! Any way you slice it, you’re spending $ 535 on something you will probably get only one use out of.

If you’re feeling sexy-on-a-budget, GOOP suggests the $ 399 Tiani vibrating couples’ massager.

Why?  because it features a “ring of 24k gold laser-engraved with a unique serial number and a new dual-motor design for more power than ever before.”

how laser-engraved serial numbers have anything to do with sex is beyond me.

Then again, this article comes straight from GOOP.

View Slideshow: 20 Douchiest Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes in Human History

20 Douchiest Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes in Human History

Gwyneth Paltrow.  The name is synonymous with "Privileged," which must give her license to say the most ridiculous, most obnoxious things in the world.

The Oscar winner and GOOP founder covers the May issue of SELF, which is apt given how much she talks about the organic, pristine, 24-carat life she enjoys.

Let"s take a gander at the droplets of wisdom and advice that absolutely no one can relate to.

1. Americans Are Gross

“We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art, and literature — all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”

2. "I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."

Can’t you do both?

3. Listen To Your Friend, Beyonce

“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun. She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that.”

4. Stop Projecting Your Poor-Person Sh** On Her

“My books are No. 1 New York Times best sellers, my website is growing every day and is very successful. If people who know me and love me have a criticism, then I really want to hear it. But if not, it’s just a projection, like I’m a screen, and it’s not about me, so I don’t absorb it.” (The Kit)

5. Do These Fries Make Me Look Fat?

“We basically can’t live without Vegenaise—it’s a little out of control.”

6. #ScienceTalk

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air. I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.” (Cosmo UK)

View Slideshow

20 Douchiest Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes in Human History

Gwyneth Paltrow.  The name is synonymous with "Privileged," which must give her license to say the most ridiculous, most obnoxious things in the world.

The Oscar winner and GOOP founder covers the May issue of SELF, which is apt given how much she talks about the organic, pristine, 24-carat life she enjoys.

Let"s take a gander at the droplets of wisdom and advice that absolutely no one can relate to.

1. Americans Are Gross

“We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art, and literature — all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”

2. "I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."

Can’t you do both?

3. Listen To Your Friend, Beyonce

“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun. She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that.”

4. Stop Projecting Your Poor-Person Sh** On Her

“My books are No. 1 New York Times best sellers, my website is growing every day and is very successful. If people who know me and love me have a criticism, then I really want to hear it. But if not, it’s just a projection, like I’m a screen, and it’s not about me, so I don’t absorb it.” (The Kit)

5. Do These Fries Make Me Look Fat?

“We basically can’t live without Vegenaise—it’s a little out of control.”

6. #ScienceTalk

“We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air. I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.” (Cosmo UK)

View Slideshow

Chris Martin: Split From Gwyneth Paltrow Was "A Weird One"

This guy is friggin’ adorable.

While Gwyneth paltrow is GOOPing about and wearing odd-looking onesies, Chris Martin may have finally risen up from the ashes of his broken marriage.

Martin spoke to The Sunday Times from Santa Monica, CA about the infamous March 2014 announcement that was made on Paltrow’s lifestyle site, GOOP.

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate,” the statement read.  “We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate.

“We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.”

Since then, Martin and Paltrow have hung out on several occasions, most recently at the Super Bowl, where Martin and his band, Coldplay  Beyonce and Bruno Mars.

The divorce was finalized last April, but Martin still feels the effects.

“I still wake up down a lot of days. But now I feel like I’ve been given the tools to turn it around,” he told the British paper.

“You can come at it very aggressively and blame and blame,” he says of dealing with a split this serious.

“Or you can put yourself in the garage, so to speak.  Take yourself apart and clean off the bits. Reassemble.”

Martin admitted that it took him “a year to get it.  A year of depression and all that.

“It’s always out there in the media,” he continued, “but I have a very wonderful separation-divorce. It’s a divorce but it’s a weird one.

“It’s funny. I don’t think about that word very often- divorce. I don’t see it that way. I see it more like you meet someone, you have some time together and things just move through. ‘I’ve lived a lot of life since then.”

Martin was linked previously to Jennifer Lawrence, while Paltrow is dating producer Brad Falchuk.

Gwyneth Paltrow to Poor People: Don"t F--k With Me!

Hollywood is filled with actors and actresses who were born into lives of privilege and rode the wave of nepotism all the way to A-list careers, but have still managed to convince themselves they did it all on their own and can totally relate to the peasant characters they play on screen.

Obviously, no one has mastered this sort of self-delusion quite like Gwyneth Paltrow, who encourages people to clean their asses with $ 956 wipes (seriously), yet wants us to pity her for that time in the early ’90s when she had to pay for a Frappuccino with quarters.

The sad thing, the GOOPster used to not give a gluten-free sh-t what you thought about her.

She’d make hilariously out-of-touch comments about working moms all while running her frou-frou lifestyle company into the ground just to see what she could get away with.

Then she’d compare negative Internet comments to PTSD suffered by combat veterans, presumably while cackling over a cup of organic, fair trade chai made from leaves that have passed through the digestive tract of a three-toed sloth who gets daily Reiki massages.

But now, it seems like Gwyneth might be planning to run for office, because she’s actively trying to convince the commoners that her struggles are just as real as theirs – hers just take place in jeans that cost more than your house.

In her latest interview with Glamour admits that even her father, the late, iconic producer Bruce Paltrow, basically thought she was full of sh-t:

“I remember my dad once sat me down when I was 25 or 26. I was in the middle of this storm of success, and my dad was like, ‘You’re getting weird,"” Paltrow says.

“I was like, ‘Oh my God, I am. Oh, sh-t.’ I mean, I got it. I thought I was so awesome for a minute. He was like, ‘Let’s stop this bullsh*t now."”

Yes, she expects us to believe that she’s now stopped thinking she’s awesome. Even more hilarious, however, is the fact that Gwinnie wants us to think she gives a rat’s ass what us average folk think:

“Sometimes I’ll get annoyed if someone’s like, ‘Goop is so expensive’. I’m like, ‘Have you looked at the website? Have you seen the range of price points?

“‘Cause we sell things that are $ 8.’ I’m like, ‘If you want to f–k with me, bring your A-game. At least have all your information."”

Yeah, don’t f–k her with, poor people!

Gwyneth took the food stamp challenge and almost lasted a full day once. So she’s been poor, but have you been rich? She didn’t think so:

“I went to UC Santa Barbara, and when I quit to try to be an actress, my dad was like, ‘That’s great, but I’m not gonna help you.’ I was like, ‘Yeah, right.’ And he was like, ‘No, I’m not.’ So I got an apartment with a roommate; I worked as a hostess at a restaurant.

“I would scrounge quarters to buy Starbucks—and walk there to save gas. I remember once asking my dad for money, like, ‘Please, I’m really stuck. Can you help?’ And he said, ‘You’re more than welcome to come over for dinner.’ That was it.”

So there you have it. Gwyneth has totally been on her own – walking and paying with cash like some sort of refugee.

So don’t tell her she doesn’t know what it’s like to be poor, or she will totally have her krav maga instructor hop in a golf cart and remove you from the property.