Dog Poop Meets, Destroys Roomba in Epic Facebook Post

It’s been well documented at this point how much dogs love to ride Roombas.

An adorable case in point:

Puppy Rides Roomba

But an Arkansas father named Jesse Newton has seen his Facebook post go viral after he wrote about how much his Roomba loves his dog.

Or his dog’s POOP, we should say.

Are you ready to hear about the “poohpocalypse?”

This tragic event took place late on the night of August 1, after the family dog, Evie, relieved herself on the carpet.

The messy incident took place between midnight and 1:30 a.m., which is when the Roomba was set on automatic to clean.

Newton eventually discovered what happened and felt the need to chronicle the story on Facebook, lest is happen to anyone else he cares about it.

“Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop,” Newton wrote.

Why not? He explained…

“Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.

“It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids’ toy boxes. If it’s near the floor, it will have poop on it.

“Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding.

“Yes, mudding – like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop.”

Newton’s post has so far been shared over 318,000 times.

As you can see, Newton included a hilarious, hand-drawn diagram of the damage.

He went on explain that he was made aware of the disaster when his 4-year-old son climbed into his bed at 3 a.m.

“You’ll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you’ll walk into the living room. And you’ll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty,” he wrote. “And then the horror. Oh the horror.”

Newton then had to clean the tool.

“You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece …  

“By this point, the poop isn’t just on your hands – it’s smeared up to your elbows. Oh, and you’re not just using profanity – you’re inventing new types of profanity. You’re saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion.

“You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there’s no way he’s not ending up in prison.”

This self-proclaimed “Pooptastrophe” did have a silver lining:

Hammacher Schlemmer replaced the Roomba for free and also sent along a new bed for the dog!

You can see it above.

Concluded Newton after this disgusting, uproarious tale came to an end:

“I’m very sorry I made so many people cry at work and spit various liquids out of their noses!”

Dog Poop Meets, Destroys Roomba in Epic Facebook Post

It’s been well documented at this point how much dogs love to ride Roombas.

An adorable case in point:

Puppy Rides Roomba

But an Arkansas father named Jesse Newton has seen his Facebook post go viral after he wrote about how much his Roomba loves his dog.

Or his dog’s POOP, we should say.

Are you ready to hear about the “poohpocalypse?”

This tragic event took place late on the night of August 1, after the family dog, Evie, relieved herself on the carpet.

The messy incident took place between midnight and 1:30 a.m., which is when the Roomba was set on automatic to clean.

Newton eventually discovered what happened and felt the need to chronicle the story on Facebook, lest is happen to anyone else he cares about it.

“Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop,” Newton wrote.

Why not? He explained…

“Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.

“It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids’ toy boxes. If it’s near the floor, it will have poop on it.

“Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding.

“Yes, mudding – like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop.”

Newton’s post has so far been shared over 318,000 times.

As you can see, Newton included a hilarious, hand-drawn diagram of the damage.

He went on explain that he was made aware of the disaster when his 4-year-old son climbed into his bed at 3 a.m.

“You’ll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you’ll walk into the living room. And you’ll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty,” he wrote. “And then the horror. Oh the horror.”

Newton then had to clean the tool.

“You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece …  

“By this point, the poop isn’t just on your hands – it’s smeared up to your elbows. Oh, and you’re not just using profanity – you’re inventing new types of profanity. You’re saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion.

“You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there’s no way he’s not ending up in prison.”

This self-proclaimed “Pooptastrophe” did have a silver lining:

Hammacher Schlemmer replaced the Roomba for free and also sent along a new bed for the dog!

You can see it above.

Concluded Newton after this disgusting, uproarious tale came to an end:

“I’m very sorry I made so many people cry at work and spit various liquids out of their noses!”

Dude Tries to Shove Bag of Poop Down Woman"s Pants: WATCH!

A man on New York"s Upper East Side attempted to shove a literal bag of sh!te down a woman’s shorts on the street in broad daylight.

Yes, we are serious.

According to media reports, an unsuspecting 27-year-old woman was assailed from behind as she walked down 74th Street in NYC.

Only this was not your standard mugging, just … weirder. After grabbing her waist, a man tried to shove a bag of deuce in her pants.

After groping her buttocks in addition to, or as part of this mission (it"s quite unclear as you can imagine), he failed and bolted quickly.

The surveillance video below shows him chuck the bag of fecal waste – and what looks like a glove of unknown origin – after the fact.

“His hands were clean, but he’s pure filth,” the New York Daily News reports in a line that surely elicited many high-fives at the office.

While jokes that are going to be inevitable from observers under such absurd circumstances, the victim was understandably very distraught.

So much so that it took her two tries to call 911, according to a parking attendant at a garage who witnessed the incident and its aftermath.

As far as we know, the s–thead to perpetrated this crime is at large and has not yet returned to his jail or mental institution of origin.

The eyewitness reports that the woman"s mother and sister arrived soon after the bizarre encounter to bring her a clean pair of clothes.

That"s good at least.

Officials say it"s “unknown” what species of animal – human or otherwise – produced the excrement contained in this particular bag.

You know you want to know.

Florida Woman Sees Sign from God in Baby"s Poop

A woman in Florida would like to remind everyone that God is everywhere.

Sometimes, He speaks to us through famous spoiled brats in trees.

Other times, He sends us messages through the feces of our children.

According to one user on Facebook, that is. 

We don’t know her name, but we do know that she resides in the Sunshine State (shocking, right?) and she believes that the power of Jesus recently resided in her son’s dirty diaper.

Upon changing him, she noticed that his poop looks eerily like a cross and felt compelled to tell the Internet all about it.

“Sometimes in our busy, crazy, hectic lives, we forgot how wonderful God is,” the woman opened her post, adding:

“Today I feel as though he sent me a sign. Saying everything will be okay. I’m right here by your side.”

And just what was this miraculous sign?

“I went to change [my son’s] diaper and he pooped a cross,” she explained.

“It might not be the prettiest sign, but he put it where he knew I’d see it. In my babies diaper. Lol. Hard to miss what’s right in front of you.”

So we’re sorry. But now that piece of poop is right in front of YOU.

What do you think? Is this really a cross? It is really a sign from the Almighty?

“If you can, or want to, feel free to share the message. That God is with us. And he gives us signs to let us know that things will be OK,” she continued.

“We’re good most of the time, but God is good all the time. We are one in love yes. Amen.”

Look: If you think you see signs from God in unusual places and if you take this as inspiration that He’s watching out for you and this helps you get by in life in any way at all… awesome.

More power to you. Carry on, by all means.

Faith is a magical and mystical concept and who are we to judge what someone believes in his or her heart?

Except maybe when it comes to thinking that God is talking to you through your child’s poop.

Go ahead and share that on Facebook if you want. Just expect a bit of mockery if you do so.

Especially when other Florida women don’t exactly help your whole sanity defense. To wit:

View Slideshow: Florida Woman: Strange But True Stories

Liam Hemsworth: DUMPING Miley Cyrus Over Dog Poop??

So, Miley Cyrus is a big ol’ slob, and her sometimes-boyfriend, sometimes-fiance Liam Hemsworth can’t take it anymore.

According to Life & Style, the singer routinely fails to clean up the waste of her numerous dogs, cats, rabbits and, IDK, meerkats?

The girl’s got a lot of animals.

Not only that, she basically treats her Hidden Hills mansion like a frat house.

“There’s dog poop and pee everywhere, old food, pizza boxes, takeout containers, fast-food wrappers and dirty dishes piled up,” a source told the magazine.

And what frat house is complete without the distinct scent of eau de bong water?

“The combination of all that mixed with the constant weed-smoking and the bong-water spills makes the place smell horrible,” the source continued.

Can we get an ad for Febreeze in here, guys? 

Gotta work that product placement.

Unfortunately, it sounds as though even the world’s strongest air freshener won’t help Messy Miley, and Liam has given her an ultimatum:

Clean it up, or we’re dunzo!

Will Miley comply?

The odd thing about this story is that even if Miley is disgusting and treats her home like a spacious, overpriced dumpster, we’re pretty sure she employs a housekeeper or twelve.

We wouldn’t want this person’s job, but we can’t imagine Miley’s house could get all that rank when she’s got a clean-up crew following her around with a rag and a can of Lysol.

Earlier this month, Liam confirmed that he and Miley were not engaged, but the pair basically announced they were back together a few weeks ago.

They appeared in public together during a lunch date in LA amid rumors that they had rekindled their relationship over the new year.

We don’t believe Liam’s really that upset over a messy house. 

He’s dating Miley Cyrus, which in and of itself is a testament to the man’s unbelievable tolerance.

View Slideshow: Miley Cyrus’ Weirdest Instagram Photos

Jim Carrey Makes Bad Poop Joke About Kim Kardashian, Fails

There are folks who love a good poop joke, and those who don’t.

But even the biggest fans of scatological humor aren’t feeling the funny Jim Carrey just made about Kim Kardashian. Not because it’s gross, but because it just doesn’t make any sense.

This entire damn week in celebrity news has been devoted to the nude selfie Kim Kardashian posted on Monday, with everyone from Amber Rose to Ellen DeGeneres weighing in. So naturally, Jim Carrey had to throw his hat into the ring.

The (former?) comedian tried to make a funny with this tweet:

If he were on a stage at the Comedy Cellar, you’d hear the proverbial crickets in the room.

Now, this could have been a funny joke, if it had been applied to the appropriate naked Kim Kardashian selfie.

Allow us to break it down for you.

“Thank you @KimKardashian for showing us where you poop” – Okay, we get this. She’s in the bathroom, i.e., “where you poop.” Fair enough.

“…and what you poop with” – Now here’s where Jim gets into trouble. He seems to be referring to her butt, because, ya know, that’s what you poop with. But in this particular naked Kim Kardashian selfie, we don’t see her butt.

“You must have very big poops!” – Again, a reference to Kim’s ass, which we all know is humongous. Big butt = big poops, surmises Jim. But again, her badonkadonk ain’t in the shot, so the joke falls flat.

You see, Jim’s joke would’ve made perfect sense if it followed Kim’s naked photo from Paper magazine – you know the one – where pretty much ALL YOU SEE is her abundant buns.

It’s almost as if Jim had the perfect comeback, but thought of it a year and a half too late.

He waited and waited patiently for another naked Kim selfie so he could drop it – but alas! – this time it was a frontal shot. But damn if he wasn’t going to use this joke he’d been saving for months!

We’re disappointed in you, Jim. If you’re going for poop humor, at least consider the butt of your joke.

View Slideshow: Kim Kardashian Nude Selfie: 8 Celebrity Copycats!