When your ex singles you out as their best former lover, people are going to expect a response. People are going to ask you for a response.
So yes, somebody finally put that skeezy John Mayer on the spot about Katy Perry’s comments.
Brace yourselves, because he’s still very much John Mayer.
So, Katy Perry ranked her past lovers a little while back.
She did it at the behest of James Corden; it was part of this goofy livestream thing that she was doing.
Anyway, she only ranked three lovers. John Mayer came out on top.
(Well, she ranked him the highest; she didn’t get into positions).
After John Mayer came Orlando Bloom with the silver medal, McKayla Maroney-style.
Honestly, since we know that a waitress got fired for “amazing” sex with Orlando Bloom, silver doesn’t sound bad at all.
Last of the three, though Katy Perry stressed that all three were amazing lovers whom she’d happily boff again, was Diplo.
Diplo’s response to coming in last among the three was very … Diplo.
Diplo suggested that sex with Katy Perry wasn’t memorable, which we have a hard time believing.
In his Rolling Stone interview, John Mayer responded to Katy Perry‘s compliment in a consummately John Mayer style.
He manages to not say anything yet infuriate us at the same time.
“I don’t have a cool-enough thought for you.”
We’ll have to remember that line the next time that we’re asked something on the spot, we guess.
“I’ve hacked this game. I pay very little of the price of fame now. I get to play the music that moves me the most.”
…What.
“I’m having the time of my life. I’m 39 — I remember 32. I don’t wanna do it again.”
That’s just his response to Katy saying that he’s good at banging.
Why is he like this?
In case you thought that Mayer was just, like, rambling like that in order to be evasive about Katy Perry … this is how he talked about switching from alcohol to pot.
“Drinking is a f—ing con. How much is enough? Every time I drank, I was looking for some sort of regulated amount.”
FYI, there’s no regulated amount unless we’re talking about legal limits.
You just drink it as long as you feel like drinking it but not so much that you die.
It’s basically the same rules that apply to orange juice and water. It’s not that hard, my guy.
“It always feels wrong for me. I always feel like I went overboard. ‘I said two, now it’s three, now we’re at four?’”
Is four drinks considered a lot? We’re not sure, and neither is he.
“I never had a serious issue with it, but I remember looking around, going, ‘This feels rigged. I’m taking a break. There’s never an amount that felt like I was succeeding at life. It always felt wrong.”
Honestly, we’d try to wrap our minds around how drinking is “rigged” but we could do something more productive with our time.
Like, you know, literally anything else.
The one good thing from skeezy John Mayer’s barely intelligible ramblings is that we know that he’s grown as a person.
Yes, really.
Remember 7 years ago when John Mayer referred to Jessica Simpson as “sexual napalm?”
Because we sure do.
That was wildly inappropriate.
With that in mind, we should be grateful that he didn’t refer to Katy Perry as a “sexual MOAB” or “sexual rail gun” or whatever it was that he was probably tempted to say.
As for Katy Perry’s sexual prowess?
We know that it’s easy to poke fun at and criticize her (sometimes she deserves criticism, sometimes she doesn’t).
But she’s probably very sexually competent.
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