Ya know, if we’d been forced to guess a theme for 2017, it almost certainly wouldn’t have been “orange semi-literate throwbacks to bygone decades undermining our national security goals,” and yet, here we are.
First, Donald Trump chooses to take the word of a guy who’s spent the past three years living in the UK’s Ecuadorian embassy over the findings of 17 intelligence agencies.
Now, Lindsay Lohan is jumping into the geopolitical fray as only she can:
As an ISIS-sympathizing poet and possible Turkish spy!
The first indication that LiLo’s Manchurian Candidate chip has been activated came when she basically pledged her loyalty to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan in a bizarre television interview.
When she started talking in a bizarre fake accent, we knew there was more in store.
Now, Lindsay’s transformation into the Austin Powers to Angelina Jolie’s James Bond is complete, thanks to this weird ass poem to ISIS that she posted to Instagram today:
The line that everyone has been seizing on today (and with good reason), is the one about “idle ISIS minds.”
For one thing, now that Lindsay Lohan has called ISIS lazy you may want to keep a good several-hundred mile distance from her for the rest of her days, as she’s now a marked woman for life.
We’re guessing someone warned her about that, and she thought they were talking about freckles.
Lindsay says she wants to “fix” ISIS which sounds like the worst idea ever, but we say give her a shot.
In all likelihood, the mission would result in her first film role that would actually be seen by a wide audience in over a decade.
Yes, that was a beheading joke.
We were under the impression that Trump had buried anything that could be described as PC in a shallow grave next to the Bill of Rights.
Oh, that’s not til Jan 20?
Our mistake!
We’ll have further updates on this story, including Lindsay’s inevitable pro-ISIS statement at gunpoint, which she be uploaded some time in the next 48 hours.
Their crucial mistake was believing she could act.