It’s hard to believe, but yet another season of Game of Thrones has come to a bloody, brutal end.
In the past, GoT finales have been more about tying up loose ends than advancing the plot, but now that the show has (according to some reports) just 13 episodes remaining, the old formula has clearly gone out the window.
We begin with the trial of Loras Tyrell – and an ominous, unsettling tone that the show has never attempted before.
Margaery’s brother confesses to his crimes as anticipated, but we don’t think anyone expected what occurred after his trial.
In one of the most thrillingly bizarre sequences the series has ever executed, Loras gets the star of the Faith Militant carved into his forehead, Maester Pycelle is assassinated by a gang of children, Lancel gets cut down by one of said badass kids …
And Cersei gets her revenge as only she could.
With some well-placed kegs of wildfire – the same substance her brother Tyrion used to save King’s Landing in Season 2 – Cersei sends the High Sparrow and his flock to the big aviary in the sky.
As a bonus, she gets to torture Septa Unella with the help of the zombified Mountain.
As an unfortunate consequence, her last remaining child, King Tommen, decides to plummet to his kingly death.
Speaking of tragedies, Walder Frey is still reveling in his family’s role in the Red Wedding.
From there, we cut to his twin and lifelong love reaching the difficult episode to cremate their son.
Perhaps sensing that this episode is already almost unbearably bleak, the showrunners decide to cut us break by revisiting the more lighthearted adventures of Sam and Gilly.
Sam gets his first look at the Citadel’s library in a scene that brings to mind Belle getting her look at the Beast’s book collection.
From there, we cut to his buddy Jon Snow griping about sitting at the kids’ table at family feasts.
Davos busts in with the revelation that Melisandre suggested burning Shireen at the stake before her previous master’s battle with the Boltons.
Jon exiles her, which is better than an execution, but still kinda harsh for the woman that brought him back to life.
The Winterfell action concludes with Jon and Sansa having a tender moment and discussing the change of season in a way that’s poignant to longtime fans. (Couldn’t we have SEEN the white raven to make things more climactic?)
Then it’s down to Dorne where a grieving Olenna Tyrell makes an alliance with the Martells and Varys.
In keeping with the breakneck pace of this episode (and the season, really) Daenerys then breaks the news to Daario that he won’t be joining her in Westeros.
She confesses to Tyrion that she cares about power more than men in what we imagine was an awkward scene to watch in the Clinton household. (We kid, Hillary!)
Fortunately,the Khaleesi makes a more important alliance moments later naming Tyrion Hand of the Queen.
Really starting to feel like we’re ramping up to the endgame, isn’t it?
Speaking of endings, Arya cuts Walder’s throat (Nice to see she hasn’t lost those powers of disguise!)
Littlefinger proposes to Sansa (as so many believed he would) but she’s having none of it.
Hey, at least he offered some totes motivational word before getting shot down.
We cut back to Bran and Meera for the first time in weeks as they bid farewell to their savior, Benjen.
Then we get the moment so many fans have waited for since this season’s first previews – the first official confirmation of R + L = J.
Jon is confirmed not only as Lyanna Stark’s son, but also as the King in the North, in what’s been a pretty eventful season for the Bastard of Winterfell (what with being brought back to life and all).
Then, in a twist that we doubt anyone saw coming, Cersei climbs the Iron Throne.
Jaime should really just stop leaving King’s Landing. Dude always comes back to some harsh news.
From there, we cut to Dany, setting sail for the Seven Kingdoms with Tyrion, Varys, the Greyjoys, three dragons, and a whole crapload of ships.
Is there anyway we can be put into a coma until next season?
Sigh. Sadly, HBO has yet to offer us that technology.
Watch Game of Thrones online to get your fix in the long, Thrones-less days to come and remember that even in the midst of summer – winter is coming.
