Friday, October 5, 2018

Mike Sorrentino Begs Judge For Leniency, Receives Prison Time Anyway

It’s a sad day for Jersey Shore star and reality TV icon Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.


As we reported earlier, Sorrentino has been sentenced to eight months in prison in connection with a string of legal troubles that began back in 2014.



At that time, Mike and his older brother Marc were indicted for failure to pay taxes on $ 8.9 million in earnings.


Additionally, the brothers were accused of covering up their crimes by filing false tax returns in connection to Mike’s business ventures.


In April of 2017, Mike was hit with additional charges of tax evasion and structuring funds to avoid currency transaction reports.



Under the terms of his plea deal, Sorrentino was only forced to plead guilty to one count of tax evasion, but that proved to be enough to land him behind bars.


Mike’s attorneys argued that he played a minimal role in the financial conspiracy masterminded by his brother (who has already been sentenced to two years in prison).


They also noted that Sorrentino has worked hard to overcome the substance abuse issues that plagued him as a young adult.



Speaking on his own behalf, Sorrentino made a heartfelt plea for leniency that ultimately fell on deaf ears.


“I am deeply sorry. I will forever regret the decisions I made,” he told the court.


“I overcame my demons in 34 months,” Sorrentino added.


“I was in almost a full year of treatment. I lost everything in a short period of time. I was immature. Everything came overnight.”



Sorrentino joked that he “doesn’t even speed anymore” before listing the ways in which he’s served his community over the course of the past three years.


“I have a new team of professionals helping me. I work at two rehabs to share my story,” he said.


“I volunteer at the police department. I warn kids of the dangers of substance abuse. I want to continue to be a positive role model in my community.”



But despite Mike’s obvious remorse, his good works, and the endorsement of his Shore castmates — all of whom were present in the courtroom today — the judge denied Sorrentino’s request for probation and a fine and his only penalties.


In addition to jail time, Mike will be forced to serve 500 hours of community service and pay a $ 10,000 fine within 30 days.


He has already paid $ 123,913 in restitution.


There’s no word yet on when Mike will begin serving his sentence, but it currently looks as though he will not be appearing in the planned third season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation.



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Kim Kardashian on Instagram: Gaze Upon My Vagina, Won"t You?

The sight of Kim Kardashian naked or in a partial state of undress is not an uncommon one.


But if the popularity of modern superhero movies has taught us anything, it’s that people want nothing more than to see the same exact thing over and over again.




And in the case of naked Kim, at least it’s free and doesn’t eat up three hours of your afternoon.


As you can see, Kim is wearing a bikini in her latest selfie.


But it’s not just any bikini, mind you.



For one thing, it’s Chanel, and probably custom, which means it also probably costs about as much as your college education.


On top of that, this particular piece of swimwear holds the distinction of being the World’s Tiniest Bikini.


And whenever a fancy designer label is combined with an opportunity for partial nudity, Kim just appears, like Beetlejuice with giant boobs.



Kim captioned the photo:


“Chanel vintage, lets please be specific,” which is a reference to the Metro Boomin song “Chanel Vintage.”


But you came here for boobs, not esoteric allusions to 4-year-old hip hop songs.



Although at this point, what’s really left to be said about Kim Kardashian’s boobs?


Well, quite a lot actually.


For one thing, they look remarkable, especially for a woman who’s birthed and breastfed (we think) two children.



And while she’s rumored to have undergone a lift or two, as far as we know, Kim has never received implants.


Of course, she appears to be lying on her back here, so despite the amount of flesh that’s exposed, it’s not easy to determine exactly what’s going on with Kim’s breasts these days.


Obviously, Mrs. Kardashian-West is in the best shape of her life, and she deserves credit for the amount of work that she puts into hair removal.



Although, to be fair, once you achieve that level of wealth, we’re sure someone does the pube-plucking for you.


We’re speaking figuratively, of course.


You can be sure a pair of tweezers hasn’t entered the vicinity of Kim’s vagina in quite some time.


These days, she probably undergoes some new technique involving magical incantations that the rest of us haven’t even heard of yet.


This has been your daily installment of us creepily spending far too much time rumination on Kim Kardashian’s body.



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