By now you’re probably familiar with Taylor Swift’s squad, but there’s a good chance you didn’t know that the singer runs her chick clique with an iron-fisted brutality that’s been known to make Mexican cartel kingpins be all like, “Yo, maybe you should chill, El Swifto.”
Okay, we might be exaggerating a tad, but apparently there are certain infractions that can get you banned from the Swift squad for life. Chief among them: fraternizing with rival badasses like Boobs Malone (aka Katy Perry).
Sources say problems arose within the squad recently when photos from the 2016 Golden Globes showed Selena Gomez hanging out with Katy on the red carpet.
Katy was there to present an award; Selena was there because of her hilarious cameo in The Big Short; and Taylor was at home, presumably tossing a roll of duct tape and a machete in her trunk so that she could “have a word” with Selena later.
Fortunately, sources say Taylor has forgiven Selena, and Ms. Gomez has promised to never publicly associate with Katy ever again.
The poor girl has no clue how close she came to being fixed with a Joker’s smile, as few people realize what a hardcore OG Taylor really is.
For instance, did you know that “Out of the Woods” is actually a veiled threat directed at anyone who double-crosses Taylor?
If you listen closely to the lyrics, the song is clearly about being blindfolded and dumped in the middle of a remote forested area. True story. (Okay, not actually a true story.)
