Tila Tequila: Paris Hilton Killed My Fiancee & I"m Possessed By Satan

Hey, things got pretty crazy this week, didn"t they, America?

It"s times like this that we need the genuine batsh-t insanity of someone like Tila Tequila to remind us that things could always be marginally worse.

As some of our older readers may recall, Ms. Tequila was a popular figure on MySpace, which was an arcane rune-based communications system popular among early homonids in the days before 

The site died an ugly, premature death after overdosing on the milliojns of HTML customizations and Fall Out Boy videos everyone crammed into their personal pages, but Tila"s notoriety has survived.

The reason for this is that she"s hands down the craziest celebrity on the planet.

You"re probably asking yourself, how could she be crazier than Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Donald John Trump?

To which we say, believe it or not, Tila wins that contest by a mile.

We could rattle off a decade"s worth of bizarre incidents as proof — such as the time she claimed to have evidence that Michelle Obama is secretly a man, or the many times she insisted she"s some sort of alien Nazi.

Instead we"ll just share this video in which Tila casually explains that she was possessed for several years and Paris Hilton murdered her fiancee.

"So back in 2012 I was in Hollywood and I was in the world of Satan. I was possessed by Satan. Hollywood is a platform built by Satan," Tila tells the camera.

"They kept sending me to doctors to overdose me and kill me."

From there Tila goes on to describe how the death of her fiancee Casey Johnson was the result of a Satanic ritual orchestrated by Paris and Nicki Hilton.

“Paris and Nicky Hilton sacrificed Casey while I was in Texas. All of the demonic chicks like Courtenay Semel, Jasmine Lennard, The Hilton sisters went against me because they were the one who sacrificed her," Tequila says.

"She told me all of their secrets and then they tried to sacrifice me.”

From there, the ladies busted out some Xans and eight balls, because apparently that"s customary following a ritual sacrifice.

"I was disgusted," Tila says "So I took two Xanax bars and did two 8 balls of cocaine. Satan had me so on drugs.”

Check out the whole 40-minute (!!!) video for more insanity.

Hopefully, it"s the first episode of a new talk show entitlted It"s the Tequila Talking!

ReadMore…

American Horror Story Recap: The Rise of Satan

Michael Langdon is all about bringing the world to an end. 

On Wednesday’s episode of American Horror Story, the spawn of Satan continued to try and come to terms with the path set out for him, 

At the top of the hour, Cordelia wasted no time in telling Michael that Miriam was burnt at the stake. 

Not one to mince his words, Michael claimed that he would be taking all of the witches down the moment he managed to bring his mentor back into the land of the living. 

“It’s over,” said Cordelia. “We know who you are. Your allies are all dead. You’ve failed.”

Just when it seemed like Michael hit rock bottom, he decided to spend several days in a pentagram circle, waiting for his father to tell him what to do next. 

When nothing much of not happened, the villain started roaming the streets and found himself inside a gathering in the Church of Satan because there’s apparently one on every street. 

“I’ve seen bad facelifts that are more evil than you!” shrieked the leader of the building to some of her minions. 

But the people who attended the church had decided to embrace an evil lifestyle and were somehow being rewarded by getting dates with the likes of Ryan Reynolds. 

Michael revealed he was the person they were all waiting for, and everyone inside the church wanted to be as close to him as they possibly could be. 

It still wasn’t enough for Michael. He didn’t know what was expected of him, so he continued to take his anguish out on his new allies. 

One of his new allies, however, knew the full extent of Michael’s pain after he revealed what happened to Miriam. 

The woman then took him on a ride to Northern California to a compound which is all about making the latest sex robots. 

The two men running things were coke addicted and had bowl cuts. It was all a little too much, but the saving grace of this installment was learning that Venable was working as the assistant. 

Both men complained that Michael was lying about being the Antichrist … until the villain set a woman on fire!

Michael managed to get them to craft a robotic version of Miriam, and all seemed right in the world of Michael Langdon for a hot minute. 

What comes next? 

We have no clue, but we’ll find out next Wednesday on the next episode.

What are your thoughts on the latest installment?

Hit the comments!

View Slideshow: Grey’s Anatomy Spoilers: It’s About to Go DOWN in Season 15

ReadMore…

Justin Bieber -- Instagram Can Go To Hell ... It"s For Satan, Anyway (VIDEO)

Justin Bieber says Instagram is Dante’s Inferno of today, and he doesn’t plan to plunge back into its pool of fire anytime soon. The Biebs was performing in London Tuesday night, where he took a moment to reminisce on his days of snapping and…

ReadMore…

Grisly Grindr Murder Blamed on Satan, Breaking Bad

Stefano Brizzi, meth-using, Breaking Bad-obsessed Grindr killer picked the wrong victim. 

As if there was, you know, a “right” murder victim ever. 

Brizzi was arrested for killing a London police officer after neighbors discovered a revolting smell emanating from his apartment. 

The UK’s Metro reported that Brizzi, pictured above, met police officer, Gordon Semple, below, on Grinde, and the two agreed to meet up for a sex party. 

Semple asserted that he’d rather just have one-on-one time with Brizzi instead of a full-blown party, and Brizzi began choking him at that point. 

In the police report, Brizzi said, “[The others] didn’t arrive, and when one did arrive, I was right in the middle of strangling Gordon and I said to [the guest] ‘Look, this is not the right time now, people are falling ill and it’s a mess.’ “

Understatement of the century. 

Why the party-goer didn’t report the crime – or the suspicion – right then and there is a head-scratching shame. 

When police finally did arrive on the scene – nearly a week later – they found Brizzi wearing only underwear and sunglasses, and discovered “globules of flesh” floating in Brizzi’s bathtub. 

Those “flesh globules” were tested and confirmed the suspicion that the remains belonged to Officer Semple. 

Brizzi dissolved Semple’s body in acid – a move depicted on the greatest show of all time, Breaking Bad – and claimed that the Devil was involved. 

“I’ve tried to dissolve the body,” he said. 

“I’ve killed a police officer. I killed him last week.” 

“I met him on Grindr and I killed him,” Brizzi admitted. 

“Satan told me to.” 

Brizzi continued, and told the court during his trial that he was into “Satanic rituals” and having sex on renderings of pentagons. 

He denied the murder itself, but admitted to dismembering, disposing, and dissolving the body of Officer Gordon Semple. 

What have we learned here today, folks? 

Well, for starters, don’t, you know, kill people and dissolve them in acid in your home bathtub. 

Also, hey – watch who you hook up with. There are some crazies out there. 

Last? If you start hearing voices in your head, and you think it’s Satan, doling out orders like free samples at Tesco, perhaps you should seek counseling. 

Like, immediately. 

View Slideshow: 19 Celebrities Who May Have Killed People

ReadMore…