Brian Scalabrine says there’s absolutely NO WAY in hell the Celtics can beat the Cavs and advance to the NBA Finals … that is, unless there’s a zombie apocalypse!! The NBA champ and current Cs analyst says even though Boston took Game 3 on…
Showing posts with label Apocalypse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Apocalypse. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Saturday Night Live: Alec Baldwin Does Trump in the Alien Apocalypse!
Let"s be real with ourselves for a minute: if anyone could bring on an actual apocalypse, like an honest to goodness, for real apocalypse, it would be Donald Trump, right?
His amount of power plus his amount of ignorance … it"s just not that hard to imagine.
And, according to this glorious skit Saturday Night Live aired last night, it could happen sooner than we think.
Yes, Alec Baldwin brought his half-hilarious, half-terrifying Trump impression back to SNL last night, and instead of poking fun at something ridiculous the president has already done, they looked to the future.
One year into the future, specifically, which is when they predict "aliens from the planet Zorblatt 9" will land on earth and kill us all.
An Army troop is gathered, determined to save the human race from the aliens, who are quickly destroying the world. But before they begin their mission, Trump has some words to share.
He rambles for a moment — so true to real life, right? — and someone asks him what they should do. Trump"s response?
"We are going to bring coal back."
Is it funny or tragic? Then again, isn"t that always the question?
Baldwin"s Trump throws in an Arnold Schwarzenegger jab, a reference to "fake news," and he even manages to work in a racist joke!
Check out the possible future of our country in the video below:
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Kid Rock to Run For Senate, Hasten Apocalypse?
You may remember Kid Rock as the human meth lab who penned such memorable lyrics as “bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy, diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie,” but it turns out, he’s also capable of being really dumb and annoying.
Mr. Rock is a big supporter of Herr Cheeto Face, to the point that he sells idiotic Trump t-shirts on his website.
Now, it seems the Detroit rapper turned Southern country crooner is looking at his buddy’s success and thinking that if Trump can ride a wave of white rage to the top of the political food chain, why can’t the Early Morning Stoned Pimp?
Yes, according to Billboard, Rock is considering throwing his greasy fedora into the ring and entering the race for Michigan Democrat Debbie Stabenow’s Senate seat next year.
Normally we’d say recently waging a public battle to defend your right to throw around gay slurs would be a dealbreaker, but this is 2017 we’re talking about!
Our current president said about 47,000 things that would have derailed any political campaign in history
These days, he’s wrapped up in a scandal that combines the inter-party meddling of Watergate and the clandestine collusion with a hostile foreign powers of Iran-Contra, and his followers are still complaining that libtard snowflakes won’t give him a chance.
It’s a great time to be a washed-up throwback from a bygone decade with political aspirations.
At this point, no one knows how serious Kid is about becoming Senator Rock, but Billboard confirms that his name is being thrown around by Republican leadership in Michigan.
Rock has been a die-hard Republican for several years and he supported Mitt Romney’s unsuccessful presidential campaign in 2012.
However, like Trump, Rock has demonstrated a willingness to break with the party establishment.
In 2013, the singer stated that he was “embarrassed to be a Republican” as a result of legislation that … resulted in higher concert ticket prices.
Okay, it’s not much, but we guess if he’s trying to secure himself one of those sought-after “maverick” reputations, it’s a start.
Now, all Kid needs is a foreign dictator to back his campaign, and he could really be in business.
We hear Kim Jong-Un is looking to get into American politician market.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Doomdsay Clock Reset as Atomic Scientists Warn of Apocalypse
Been a rough year so far, right?
You could probably go for a bit of good news amidst all the talk of border walls, Muslim bans, and Mary Tyler Moore getting cast in that big sitcom in the sky?
Well, we hate to break it you (although you really should’ve figured it out from the headline), but you’ve come to the wrong place!
In case you’re not familiar with the Doomsday Clock, rest assured that it’s every bit as terrifying as it sounds.
Started in 1947 by The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists’ Science and Security Board (If that’s too much to remember, just think, “really smart people.”), the clock is meant to serve as a indicator of how close we are to the end of the world.
Today, it inched forward 30 seconds, bringing it to 11:57:30, the closest it’s been to midnight since 1953, when both the U.S. and Soviet Union tested hydrogen bombs.
(In case symbolism isn’t your strong suit, midnight on the Doomsday Clock equals ka-blooey.)
Today’s move has been described as “unprecedented,” and not surprisingly, it has more than a little to do with the election of Donald Trump.
“Make no mistake, this has been a difficult year,” Rachel Bronson, executive director and publisher of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists
In its official statement about how colossally f–ked we all are, the board had this to say:
“Over the course of 2016, the global security landscape darkened as the international community failed to come effectively to grips with humanity’s most pressing existential threats, nuclear weapons and climate change …
“This already-threatening world situation was the backdrop for a rise in strident nationalism worldwide in 2016, including in a U.S. presidential campaign during which the eventual victor, Donald Trump, made disturbing comments about the use and proliferation of nuclear weapons and expressed disbelief in the overwhelming scientific consensus on climate change.”
So there you have it folks.
We’re a little bit closer to the end of the world, and darn it, if those pesky Russians aren’t involved again.
It’s been all down with them since Yakov Smirnoff blew up, but electing their brutal dictator’s BFF as our president probably didn’t help matters.
But hey, at least those of you live along our southern border will have a big, dumb $ 14 billion monument to racism to look as it as your face melts off!
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Malia Obama "Partying" at a Club Will Distract You From the Impending Apocalypse
Did you know that if the Affordable Care Act is repealed without an adequate replacement plan, more than half of the American population could be denied coverage due to pre-existing conditions?
That has nothing to do with this article; we just wanted to provide a little context for the fact that some folks are freaking out about a college-aged girl going to a party where other people might have been drinking.
Yes, it’s time for another Malia Obama “partying scandal.”
So get ready to clutch your pearls and spew your Earl Grey all over the screen, as you read the shocking account of a soon-to-be Harvard student who went out with friends and … danced!
According to Radar Online, Malia hit up a D.C. night spot over the weekend.
The site notes that Malia “made the cut” for the club’s 18 and up night, because that’s how age limits work.
Radar also reports that “Malia was not seen drinking, but she was definitely having a good time.”
We assume they added “nudge, nudge … ya know – ‘a good time."” *makes join smoking gesture with fingers*
So it seems that unlike Mike Pence, Malia has the capacity to enter an establishment where alcohol is being served without instantly morphing into Keith Richards.
Valuable skill.
“She was dancing scandalously and twerking,” the source told Radar.
“She was with a bunch of young, tough body guards but they looked too young to be Secret Service. A guy came up to her and tried to flirt but she didn’t give him the time of day. She looked like she was having a great time.”
As far as we can tell, the only thing remotely scandalous about this story is that Malia might have just become the first teenager to twerk non-ironically since 2014.
This is the latest non-scandal Malia scandal to emerge in recent months.
It all started when the First Daughter was “caught” smoking pot at Lollapalooza back in August.
And by “caught,” we mean she took a hit off a joint because it’s 2017 and no one cares about a legal adult smoking weed.
Despite the innocuous nature of Malia’s “partying,” the tabloid press has continued to run with the wild chi;d narrative.
At one point, several outlets breathlessly reported that Malia was headed to rehab.
Although this story might have reached peak ridiculousness with the rumors of Malia sexting Ray J, he of the Kim Kardashian sex tape fame.
And you thought the election of a reality star who’s beholden to a hostile foreign power was the most ridiculous thing to happen in politics last year!
Well, you’re right. It was.
But the Malia stuff is pretty nutty, too!
Now, if you’ll excuse us, this bunker isn’t gonna stock itself with Dinty Moore.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Woman Gives Birth in Chewbacca Mask, Apocalypse Nears
In May of 2016, a woman named Candace Payne went viral when she filmed herself reacting to a Chewbacca Mask she had just purchased at Target.
And we mean it: she… went… VIRAL.
Within two days, footage of Payne was "Chewbacca Mom" had been viewed over 114 million times, making it the most-watched Facebook Live video of all-time.
She appeared with James Corden on The Late Late Show and she earned serious money through her 15-Plus Minutes of Fame.
So we get it. We get why someone might try to emulate Payne.
We just wish Katie Stricker Curtis had gone about it in a different way.
The Detroit native shared her own Facebook video this week, posting a clip online of herself in a Chewbacca mask.
And also in a hospital bed. Because she was in labor and about to give birth.
Why did she make public a clip of herself screaming with contractions in Chewie"s native language of Shyriiwook?
"Just because I"m about to be a mom doesn"t mean I have to grow up," she wrote along with the video, which has been viewed over 265,000 times.
Just how far does she go while preparing to give birth?
Click PLAY and find out below… if you dare!
Friday, January 8, 2016
Delta Gamma Recruitment Video Portends Impending Apocalypse
We’re very sorry to have to tell you this, but…
… The Apocalypse is near. We’re not sure how else to explain the following video.
It comes to use from the University of Miami’s Delta Gamma chapter, a sorority that goes above and beyond when it comes to their annual recruitment video.
But this one truly goes above. And then it goes way beyond.
The young women actually hired Artec Media to help them produce the footage, which includes the sister throwing it down on multiple boats and in multiple bodies of water.
Study sessions? Dining hall food? Boring professors?
Please. You apparently don’t need concern yourself with any of these college irritations if you join Delta Gamma.
Just consider the following GIFs, taken from the above video:
These girls definitely deserve to be mocked, but they really aren’t the most nauseating example of sorority sisters doing dumb stuff that we’ve seen of late.
Remember those students who went to a baseball game and simply snapped selfies the entire time?
Or the Alabama sorority whose recruitment video featured only white people and which got rightfully roasted for its narrow view of the world?
Sort of makes a bunch of bikini-clad women having tons of fun in the sun not seem to bad by comparison, huh?
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Scott Disick Hangs Out With Chris Brown, World Braces For Apocalypse
If you were asked to name the two biggest douche-nozzles of 2015, the names Chris Brown and Scott Disick might immediately spring to mind.
These two have always been douchey, but this year, they reminded of just what kind of D-baggery they’re capable of.
Disick was caught cheating on the mother of his three children and then had the balls to try to weasel his way back into her life.
Brown was involved in more violence than the LAPD, and it wasn’t even his most violent year!
Obviously, these two are a couple of grade-A f–kboys on their own, so we can’t imagine what they’re capable of when they combine their powers to form Captain Douchehole.
Sadly, we may soon find out.
TMZ is reporting that Breezy hosted a listening party for his new album last night, and not only was the Lord in attendance, he was spotted chatting Chris up at length.
It’s possible that Scott was there as a guest of fellow Kardashian ex French Montana, but in any event, it’s pretty surprising that he was in attendance.
Not only is he the least gangsta human being on the planet, Disick just got out of rehab, so we kind of assumed he would keep away from the party scene for a little while.
Of course, finding out your baby mama is hooking up with Justin Bieber would drive anyone to drink.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)