If you watched last week’s episode of Game of Thrones (You did. It’s not really the kind of show you come and go from.) then you know the show’s breakneck pace showed no signs of abating.
And if you were hoping things would slow down a bit this week, we’re afraid you were out of luck.
Right off the bat, we get a reunion that’s been in the works since Season One, when Sansa arrives at Castle Black just as Jon was preparing to head down south.
(Good thing she didn’t get there a few hours later!)
The two share a weirdly warm reunion that would be more at home in some ABC family dramedy before debating the merits of taking on the Boltons and reclaiming Winterfell.
Melisandre declares Jon the presumptive prince that was promised, and Brienne reintroduces herself to Stannis’ former servants in one of the show’s most clunkily expositional scenes to date.
She stopped just short of telling Davos, “Hey! I remember you from Season Two!”
Then, comes the moment we’ve been waiting for since…well, since a few weeks ago
The return of Littlefinger! Unfortunately, that also means the return of Little Trump Robyn Arryn, who apparently hasn’t lost his enthusiasm for throwing people through the Moon Door.
As always, it’s tough to tell just what’s up Lord Baelish’s sleeve, but for the moment at least, protecting Sansa (and the poor SOB who Robyn almost sent flying) seems to suit his agenda. More on that later.
From there, it’s back to Meereen, where Tyrion diplomatically butts heads with both Missandei and a bunch of slave owners in guy-liner.
Unlike the writers of GoT, Tyrion favors slowing things down a bit and opts to allow the slavers seven years to abolish the practice.
Not surprisingly, it’s not a popular decision with Grey Worm or other folks who spent large chunks of their lives in chains.
Daario is still clashing with Jorah – and using hilarious terminology to describe sex with Daenerys. (Riding the dragon, dude? Really?)
There are more shocking moments (because the show doesn’t go a scene without them these days), as it turns out Jorah knew right where the Khaleesi was all the time, and Daario learns of his greyscale.
To the surprise of absolutely no one, Daario totally kept the knife he said he ditched, and Dany easily becomes besties with one of her fellow prisoners.
Back in Westeros, Margaery is still at the mercy of the High Sparrow, just as Cersei was last season.
Naturally, she’s equally unimpressed by his anti-rich rhetoric, but the sight of her broken brother seems to bring Margaery one step closer to crumbling herself.
Speaking of Cersei, she pays an unexpected visit to Tommen, and after a bit more comic relief from Maester Pycelle, she launches an anti-Sparrow attack that sounds a lot like Hillary Clinton’s attacks on Bernie Sanders.
It seems Cersei’s hatred for the High Sparrow outweighs her mistrust of Margaery, and she finally convinces the small council that it’s time to take action against the religious zealots who have seized control of King’s Landing.
From there, we head back to Pike for a joyless Greyjoy reunion featuring Theon and a very pissed off Yara, who’s not exactly sensitive to what her brother has been through.
There’s another tense standoff in Winterfell, this one between Ramsay and Osha, who briefly out-badasses the scariest dude in Westeros before learning the hard way exactly how the ruthless bastard got to where he is.
Then it’s back to Castle Black, where Sansa eats a crappy meal and drinks crappy beer with a bunch of celibate dudes.
Just as it looks like things can’t get much lamer, Jon receives a message from Ramsay that proves the new Warden of the North might also be the original Internet commenter.
There’s already a theory that the letter was secretly written by Littlefinger, which might explain the awkwardly troll-ish tone.
Sansa convinces Jon that the time has come for a triumphant return to Winerfell, and in keeping with the what seems to be the central theme of the episode, Daenerys enjoys one of the most memorable girl power moments the show has offered thus far when she struts out of the flaming Dothraki temple all like, “Whaddup, here’s my boobs; you all serve me now.”
Despite Emila Clarke’s stance on Game of Thrones nudity, those were not stunt boobs, and the knowledge only adds to our enjoyment of the episode and that epic conclusion.
Watch Game of Thrones online at TV Fanatic to get caught up.
We suggest you take notes, because this show isn’t slowing down for anyone these days.