Kris Jenner is swooping in to help Rob Kardashian make a quick buck off the holiday shopping season, plugging her son’s sock line after he filed docs to have his child support payments to Blac Chyna lessened. Kris…
Showing posts with label Kris. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kris. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2018
Saturday, November 10, 2018
Ariana Grande"s iTunes "Rival" Kris Wu Pokes Fun at Bots Controversy
Ariana Grande’s brief nemesis on iTunes has jokes … poking fun at accusations his “bots” launched him to the top of the charts. You’ll recall Chinese rapper Kris Wu released his album in America earlier this week, and it immediately shot up…
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
Kris Jenner Fights to Stop Keeping Up With The Kardashians Cancelation
15 seasons isn’t enough for Kris Jenner. She wants 25 or more.
But she may be in for a rude awakening, because Keeping Up With The Kardashians‘ ratings have been getting stomped.
Is the show that made her family a household name on its last leg? Or will it go on forever?
RadarOnline reports that Kris is prepared to fight for Keeping Up With The Kardashians to continue.
“Kris says all the time she wants the show to go on for ten more seasons,” an insider reports.
Can you imagine?
“And,” the source continues. “If she had her way she’d do the show until she dies.”
Bold of this insider to imply that Kris Jenner is capable of dying.
Kris is eternal.
Kris is reportedly looking to secure a new contract that guarantees multiple seasons.
In the mean time, however, it looks like her brood has grown too successful for the show that made them stars.
“Kim is already moving on to produce new projects of her own,” the insider notes.
Kim has her own products, her video game from a few years ago was massively lucrative.
She’s a model and a mogul.
“And,” the source says. “The rest of the girls have terrific footholds in modeling and merchandising.”
Kylie Jenner is poised to become a billionaire, but none of Kris’ daughters are hurting for cash.
And it doesn’t look like they care about KUWTK as much as they once did.
“Of the family,” the insider reports. “Only Kris is for keeping the show on the air the #1 priority.”
Well, all of her children except for Kendall are parents, now. Priorities change.
“And the network has already given up on their once lucrative business of creating spinoffs of the show,” the source adds.
Yeah. No more Kocktails with Khloe for us.
“Even Ryan Seacrest, who is still as involved as he can be, has other things he’s working on”
“and leaves Kim to her own devices in terms of keeping the show relevant”
We would joke that Ryan Seacrest is too busy dealing with the serious accusations of sexual assault from his former stylist.
The woman had multiple witnesses to her allegations.
But it doesn’t look like Seacrest is too bothered. Like too many others, his career seems unscathed by the horrible #MeToo story about him.
Unfortunately, Kris has felt discouraged by some of those closest to her.
“It doesn’t help that pretty much the only advice people give Kris about all this,” the insider begins.
The source continues: “Is that she — and the kids — should quit ‘KUWTK’ before they get fired!”
It’s understandable that friends would suggest something like this.
Better to cancel a show with dignity, they reason, than to end up getting canceled.
But the insider says: “That’s just not where her heart is at all!”
It’s true that Season 15’s ratings weren’t as good as Season 14’s, and were certainly worse than what KUWTK saw years ago.
But isn’t part of that just a result of people changing how they watch television?
The Kardashians still rake in a sizable share of the market — enough that Kris can probably talk her way into renewal for years to come.
Maybe her friends are right. Maybe she should quit with her head held high before, one day, E! makes that choice for her.
But we kind of hope that she doesn’t. We’d miss the show.
And so would a lot of people.
Friday, October 12, 2018
Khloe Kardashian & Scott Disick Pull Lame Prank on Kris Jenner
It"s official:
Khloe Kardashian and Scott Disick are better at pulling pranks than Kourtney Kardashian.
But it"s also been made official in the past:
This is a very low bar to clear.
As depicted on a previous episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kourtney apparently lacks any and all knowledge about what qualifies as a prank.
She surprised her sister a few weeks back with a flash mob in the middle of a Los Angeles shopping center and… that was it.
It never made any sense why such a move would have made Kim feel embarrassed or ashamed or anything negative at all.
Here. Take a look at this video to see what we mean:
This Sunday, meanwhile, Scott and Khloe will come together to pull one over on Kris Jenner.
Annoyed at how she thinks of herself as some kind of art expert, they will present her with fake paintings by someone they claim is named Art Vandelay.
(All Seinfeld fans just rolled over in their graves at George Constanza"s famous pseudo name being abused in this manner.)
Kris, of course, will think these are real and will walk around the house, wondering where she ought to hang them.
As she does so, Disick and Kardashian will giggle in the background and debate just when they should come clean.
It"s … sort of funny? We guess?
Again, it"s better than what Kourtney tried to do to Kim. But that is saying very little.
Will Scott and Khloe own up to their prank? And how will Kris react when they do so?
Guess you"ll need to tune in this Sunday night at 9/8c on E! to find out!
Thursday, October 11, 2018
BREAKING: Kim Kardashian and Kris Jenner Suck at Baseball
Kim Kardashian has hit many home runs in her life…
… off the field, we mean.
As in: she"s slept with her fair share of men.
Many of these men have eveb been professional athletes, but it"s notable that none has played baseball.
Why is this notable?
Because Kim and her mother will play a random pickup game of that sport on this Sunday"s brand new episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians… and it will not go well.
As practice for an upcoming softball game, Kim, Kris Jenner and Khloe Kardashian trudge out to a diamond in the clip featured on this page in order to try pitching and hitting.
A pregnant Khloe stands on the sideline and offers her loved ones advice.
But it falls on deaf and untalented ears.
"Is this the mound?" a confused Kim asks her sister.
"No, the mound is there," Khloe responds. "That would be the pitcher"s mound."
(Editor"s Note: This is patently absurd. We don"t care how little baseball you watch; you know from where a pitcher pitches.)
"The first softball practice is terrifying," Khloe later says in a confessional. "It"s just chickens with their head cut off running around this field. It"s not good."
After Kim finally gets a hold of a Kris offering and runs to first base, it"s time for Jenner to grab a bat and for Kim to take the aforementioned mound.
Upon attempting to hit her first pitch, however, Kris wobbles backward and falls to the ground.
"Oh my god, are you okay?" Kim asks as she rushes to her mother"s side. "Oh my god, did you hurt your wrist?"
Yes, Kris claims.
And it actually is possible.
As scripted and as dumb as this entire scene is, we"re not sure if Jenner is a decent enough of an actress to fake this fall.
It looks pretty legit!
Take a look at the footage feature here and see for yourself!
(And then visit our friends at TV Fanatic to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians online.)
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Kris Jenner and Scott Disick: Kim Kardashian Scares the Eff Out of Us!
These days, Scott Disick is keeping an eye on Luka Sabbat and Kourtney Kardashian.
On the next Keeping Up With The Kardashians, he"s more worried about one of Kourtney"s sisters.
He and Kris are bonding over the strangest thing: being afraid to even look at Kim. She scares them.
Easily one of the strangest things we"ve seen recently on Keeping Up With The Kardashians was the tale of Kanye West needing a band-aid.
A grown man demanded that his wife get him a band-aid. She procured multiple bandages, but none of them were the ones he wanted.
Few people would tolerate those kinds of antics from anyone over the age of 9. Kanye is 41 entire years old.
But in this new sneak peek clip from this upcoming episode, it"s no longer time for viewers to feel sorry for Kim.
Kris Jenner and Scott Disick are commiserating over how Kim treats them. Should fans fear her, too?
"When I had my face done, that was really a hard thing for me to go through. And who was there every step of the way? Sheila"
"It just occurred to me, like, she’s wanted to do this for years, but this is just not something she would do." Kris explains.
Kris says: "I want to do this for her and be there for her like she’s always been there for me."
Scott has his concerns, saying: "Even though it’s really a sweet gesture, are you at all nervous that you could offend her in anyway?"
His worry, he explains, is that Sheila will be insulted: "Is it like, ‘Hey, your face looks old?’"
"Just think about it … If you told me that I needed something done, even if maybe I didn’t, I would definitely go stare and look at whatever that was."
"Kim does that to me 24/7," Kris reveals.
"Kim does that to everybody in the world!" Scott exclaims.
"You know," Scott continues. "She catches every …"
He wisely cuts off before he says flaw to Kris Jenner. He is sometimes wiser than he appears.
Kim"s hypercritical gaze is enough that members of her own family are reluctant to even interact with her.
"I don"t even like looking at Kim," Scott admits.
He explains: "Because sometimes she"s like," and his makes his eyes grow large as if he is examining a detail on someone"s face.
"It"s scary, right?" Kris asks. "She"ll stare at us."
Anything that can frighten someone with a constitution like Kris" would send us running for the hills.
Scott gives a sample of the sort of thing Kim will say to him.
""Is that a pimple right there?"" he quotes. "And I"m like, "i-I-I don"t know.""
That does sound like a harrowing experience.
Any good friend will point out if there"s something that you can fix right away — like spinach in your teeth or perhaps a pimple.
This is especially important for people who are constantly on camera.
You don"t want to be embarrassed by a random snap.
But even reality stars have downtime. No one wants to feel like they are under constant scrutiny for their appearance.
Sometimes, people who are hopelessly consumed with their own looks seem to be unable to resist commenting on other people"s.
Maybe it"s a compulsion. Maybe they think that they"re being helpful.
Clearly, Kim needs to dial it down a few notches with her family.
And we really, truly hope that she does not do this to or even in front of her children.
North, Saint, and Chicago don"t need to grow up obsessing over real and perceived flaws.
Friday, September 21, 2018
Kourtney Kardashian Throws Affair in Kris Jenner"s Face
A shot has been fired by Kourtney Kardashian.
An explosive, personal, unexpected shot against her mother, that is.
In the clip featured here from Sunday"s episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Khloe tries to play mediator between Kris Jenner and her oldest daughter.
It"s not really clear what has brought these three family members into the living room and what has caused them to arrive at the topic at hand…
… but the conversation immediately turned to men, romances and extramarital affairs!
"For some reason, you do not give mom the benefit of the doubt, ever, from your childhood and it"s really unfair," Khloe randomly says, pulling out the name of Kris" long-ago lover and adding:
"You only remember with Todd, or this or that."
(Todd, you may or may not recall, would be Todd Waterman, a man with whom Jenner has admitted sleeping in 1989 while married to Robert Kardashian Sr.)
"I don"t sit there and dwell about Todd," says a shocked Kourtney, priort o Kris telling her that she has "her own Todd right now."
Ouch, Kourtney replies. Also: WTH?!?
"No, I actually don"t. I"m actually not married and I"m not having an affair," Kourtney claps back, presumably talking about then-boyfriend Younes Bendjima based on the timeline of when this episode was likely filmed.
"You can"t compare one to the other, it"s absolutely not true," she adds.
The sneak peek concludes with Khloe telling her sister:
"Sometimes our memories get a little warped by our age, but don"t be so hard on your mom."
Jenner opened up about cheating on Kardashian Sr. in her 2011 memoir, Kris Jenner…And All Things Kardashian.
In 1989, she had an affair Waterman, an elicit act that prompted the divorce.
In an interview with Fox News Channel’s OBJECTified this summer, Kris confessed the affair was “nothing I’m proud of.”
“When I look back on it now, probably one of my biggest regrets in my life is that that marriage fell apart,” she said on this program.
Check out this clip to see her discuss it once again.
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Kris Jenner is Worried That Someone is Poisoning Her
On last Sunday"s episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kris Jenner played dead.
On this Sunday"s upcoming episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kris Jenner will be concerned that someone wants her dead.
We"re barely even kidding!
In a sneak peek at the overly-scripted action to come, Kris is in her kitchen with embattled daughter Kourtney Kardashian, informing her oldest child that she isn"t feeling well…
… and she thinks her drinking water may be to blame.
As a result, she does what any rich person with too much time on her hands and a bunch of producers ordering her around would do:
She tests the water for contaminants.
"I know you"re extra a lot of the time, but this is above and beyond extra," Kim Kardashian tells her mother in a joint confessional at one point.
But Kris it not deterred.
She drops some stuff into her water and also into Kourtney"s water, shakes up the samples and determines that hers reads 7.2, while the other vial reads 8.2.
This means, ummm…. something, she guesses.
"Well exactly, what does it mean is the question," Kris wonders aloud, asking Kourtney for the "ideal" number the water ought to be.
"Seven point six. So yours is seven point two," Kourtney replies in a truly fascinating scene.
Okay. So it"s not perfect, but Jenner"s water does not appear to be dangerous, either.
"They"re slightly different in coloration, but within drinking limits. So, we can rule out the water and back to the drawing board," Kris tells the camera.
Still, if someone is poisoning her, she WILL get to the bottom of it, Kris later vows to Kourtney.
Elsewhere on this installment, Kim and Khloe wonder if their sister is becoming like their brother, which they mean as a major insult.
Check out the latest clip here and then tune in for Keeping Up with the Kardashians on E! this Sunday at 9/8c.
Friday, August 17, 2018
Kim Kardashian Practices Mortician Makeup on Kris Jenner
Kim Kardashian is apparently in the market for a new career.
Her job as a reality TV star simply must come to an end at some point, as we"re already on Season 15 of her family"s program on E!, whose ratings have been dropping significantly over the past few years.
And she can"t go back to her life as an amateur sex tape actress because he would ruin the reputation she has tried to build up ever since the public got a look at Ray J ramming his erect unit into her private regions.
So what is an Instagram personality to do?
Become a mortician, apparently.
In this unexpected sneak peek at the upcoming episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the 37-year-old enlists the help of mother Kris Jenner, who she asks to play the role of a corpse because…
… well, we"re not entirely certain why.
Because the script says so, of course, is the unspoken answer.
But Kardashian explains that she has to test her beauty products herself before she can offer them to a professional who prepares the deceased for their funeral.
With that in mind:
“Please lay down,” she tells her mom, who responds in sort of funny fashion by replying:
"I’m not dead, I know I look bad, but I just got out of the shower.”
"What’s your favorite look these days?” Kardashian then asks. “What would you want to go out in? Not like to the store, but … out, out.”
As in dead, in case you aren"t following along here.
Finally, as you"ll see when you hit PLAY on the video here, just when Kim thinks Jenner is “really playing” along, the family matriarch turns the tables and jumps up to frighten her daughter.
“Oh, my God, you really scared me,” Kardashian says wiping tears from her eyes. “I almost peed my pants!”
Elsewhere on an episode that will apparently feature a lot of Kris Jenner, the 62-year old will try to force feed Khloe many donuts.
Click on the above link to see what we mean and tune in to E! on Sunday, August 19 at 9/8c to see Jenner play dead for Kim.
Kris Jenner Tries to Feed Khloe Dozens of Donuts
In a scene that will air this Sunday on Keeping Up with the Kardashians – one that was totally not scripted and definitely not sponsored by Krispy Kreme – Kris Jenner shows up at her daughter"s house with eight dozen donuts.
For what reason?
Why is this "psychopath" up to?
Khloe, who is pretty far along in her pregnancy in the sneak peek, isn"t so sure herself.
“Are you … okay?” she asks her very excited mother.
Jenner explains that she was inspired to stop by because it was in the script and the aforementioned famous donut chain paid her family money for her to do so she thought back to her cravings back when she was pregnant.
“I remember back when my mom was pregnant, she and Bruce almost got a divorce because Bruce would not pull over to get her two dozen doughnuts,” says Kardashian, adding in the video featured here:
“He was like, ‘You don’t need them Kris.’ And they were screaming at each other.
"He finally got her these stupid doughnuts and when I tell you she ate ever f-ckin doughnut, she ate ever f-ckin doughnut.”
But Khloe?
That"s not who she is, the star explains. She actually finds this sort of binge eating, even when expecting, to be "disgusting."
So she passes on the pastries, even as Kris tries to basically shove them down her throat.
“I just want you to feel good about yourself and be able to let your hair down a little bit and say, ‘I’m gonna have a bowl of pasta or I’m gonna eat lasagna tonight,"” says Jenner.
“I’m not doing anything that’s unhealthy,” Kardashian replies.
No, except for pretend to feud with one"s own loved ones for the sake of ratings, that is.
Will Khloe and Kim gang up on Kourtney again this Sunday night, as they"ve been doing for the past two weeks?
Tune in to find out and then go watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians online if you need to catch up on all this pretend drama.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Kris Jenner Says She Loves Kanye Despite Him Wanting to Smash Kim"s Sisters
Kris Jenner still loves Kanye West … even if he does fantasize about getting with her daughters, despite being married to Kim. We got Kris and her mom leaving Nate’n Al deli in Beverly Hills Wednesday, and asked if she has any thoughts on…
Friday, August 10, 2018
Kris Jenner and Corey Gamble: Actually Engaged?!
There are very few secrets in the Kardashian family.
When there’s a major development in the life of a member of the Kard clan, it’s usually big news within a matter of hours.
But apparently, the mother of all momagers herself has decided to temporarily step away from that game.
Yes, Kris Jenner is playing coy these days, and in doing so, she’s basically confirmed a major rumor about her personal life.
For years, reports that Kris is engaged to Corey Gamble have been circulating pretty much non-stop, but neither Kris nor Corey ever addressed the speculation directly.
That all changed last night, when James Corden grilled Kris in front of a plate of crickets.
In case you’re among the many who find Corden’s personality a bit too saccharine for late-night consumption, he regularly plays a game with his guests in which they’re forced to choose between answering a personal question or eating something gross.
In Kris’ case, the cuisine had six legs, and the question was about her relationship.
“Kris, you’ve been spotted wearing a massive diamond ring on your wedding finger,” James said.
“Are you and Corey Gamble engaged?”
At first, Kris said simply, “No.”
Corden followed up by asking if she meant no to the question, or no, she wasn’t going to answer.
“No!” Kris said. “I’m not going to answer!”
“The ring’s right there,” James said, pointing to Kris’ hand.
“It’s a real giveaway.”
“This isn’t the ring,” Kris replied evasively before taking a big bite of cricket.
The whole situation left us with one important question:
What in the actual hell is going on here?
We can understand not wanting to make an engagement announcement on James freakin’ Corden’s show, but she’s really willing to eat a cricket just to dodge the question?!
Does she not realize that that’s basically the same as saying “yes”?
Her fiancé boyfriend was in the audience that night, so we know that despite rumors to the contrary, Kris and Corey have not broken up.
And the only reasons we can think of why she would be hesitant to talk about being engaged is if she were newly single or newly engaged.
We’re going with the latter — and we’re guessing Kris knew the best way to drum up interest in her relationship was to dodge Corden’s questions.
She didn’t get to be where she was by not understanding how the media works.
Khloe Kardashian SLAMS Kris Jenner: Stop ART-SHAMING Me!
Back before she was feuding with Kim, we saw Kourtney be so rude about Khloe"s upholstery choices that Khloe asked what crawled up Kourtney"s ass.
Well, Kourtney"s not the only one giving Khloe a hard time. In this KUWTK sneak peek clip, it"s Kris" turn.
And now Khloe is calling out Kris for, get this, "art-shaming" her. Art-shaming.
"What are those gold things?" Khloe asks her mother in a new preview clip from Keeping Up With The Kardashians. "Are those, like, ceramic …?"
"Those are Jeff Koons," Kris replies.
Khloe replies: "I don"t know what a Jeff Koons is."
Khloe"s tone of voice, as you"ll hear, is precisely the tone that you might use if a coworker brings up a professional athlete when you"ve never watched a sports game in your entire adult life.
"He"s famous for the balloon dog," Kris explains.
Kris has a suggestion for how her daughter might broaden her horizons and ask fewer gauche questions.
"You need to go to, like, an art class," Kris suggests to Khloe.
Khloe did not appreciate Kris" artsplaining, which she felt was a condescending response to her question.
"Just because I"m not as knowledgeable as you," Khloe protests. "You shouldn"t turn your nose up."
"You should be like, "Khloe, Jeff Koons is …" instead of making me feel less than and uneducated," Khloe suggests.
Her feelings are valid, but that doesn"t necessarily mean that she is not overreacting to her mom"s words a little.
Speaking to the konfessional kamera, Khloe explains her frustrations with her mom.
"My mom has not known about art for years and years," Khloe reveals.
Khloe continues, saying: "She"s just learning about art — which is great!"
It"s good that Khloe isn"t bashing her mom"s interest in art, just what she perceives to be Kris" newfound know-it-all tone.
"But," Khloe says. "You can"t art-shame people just because they know less than you."
Fun art fact: art-shaming is … not a thing.
"I"m your f–king daughter," Khloe protests. "And you"re art-shaming me! And it"s mean!"
Some might argue that Kris had simply answered her question, and then offered a helpful suggestion for how Khloe could learn more.
"I don"t understand why people like to make other people feel like s–t," Khloe laments.
"Sorry," Kris says, starting over. "It"s a Jeff Koons."
This time, there is no suggestion that Khloe could take an art class.
Kris then helpfully spells his last name: "K-O-O-N-S."
Sometimes people who are just learning about something will be condescending about what they do know, in part to shield themselves from embarrassment about their past ignorance.
That"s just part of human nature.
It"s also more than possible that Khloe was being a little overly sensitive about her mother … answering her question.
Jeff Koons is a famous artist, but he"s a modern artist (several years ago, one of his pieces set a record for most expensive art of any living artist).
It is totally understandable that Khloe wouldn"t know his name. Art history dates back thousands and thousands of years, folks.
Friday, August 3, 2018
Kris Jenner Shades Tyson Beckford Over Kim Kardashian West Feud
Kris Jenner took a page out of Kylie’s cosmetics’ playbook, ‘cause she sure knows how to shade. Kris broke bread with Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi Thursday night in WeHo at Craig’s, and on her way out our photog asked about Kim’s feud with…
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Kris Jenner Proudly Tells Story of Launch of Kylie"s Makeup Empire
Kylie Jenner had a master plan to launch a makeup empire when she was 17 years old, and took charge to turn it into the booming biz it is now … this according to her proud mama. Kris Jenner sat down with Harvey about the early days of Kylie…
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Kim Kardashian West & Kris Jenner Team Up for Charity Poker Fundraiser
Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian West are about to add another profession to their lengthy resumes — poker pro — and it’s all for a good cause. Kim and Kris are the featured guests of this year’s ‘If Only’ Texas Hold’Em Poker Tournament from City…
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Tiffany Haddish: Watch Her Roast Kris Jenner, Thirst After Chris Pratt!
We already know who won big at the MTV Movie & TV Awards. But there was more going on than awards, folks.
Tiffany Haddish was the hilarious host, and she had some great lines as she roasted everyone from the Kardashians to the Stranger Things kids. It"s funny.
You might not trust her around food after this, though. Take a look.
Tiffany Haddish is quite a character. Some of her claims and analogies are a little weird, but they always get a laugh.
She starts off by talking about some racial milestones.
"This has been a year of firsts for black people," Haddish says. "I"m the first black woman to host the MTV Movie and TV Awards."
That particular milestone is long overdue.
"Black Panther," she mentions. "Is the first African American movie to make a billion dollars."
That was an excellent movie. One of Marvel"s best, in fact.
"And The Quiet Place," Haddish continues. "Is the first film to scare black people out of talking in movie theaters."
She is making a joke, there, about a stereotype that portrays African Americans as vocally engaging with films as they are happening.
"I"m always excited to see the Kardashians."
"Hiiii," Haddish says, waving at Kim Kardashian, who is wearing problematic braids, and Kris Jenner, whose commanding presence is always welcome.
"That family," Haddish continues. "Is basically the Star Wars franchise."
That"s true in lots of senses. They"re successful, they"re an institution in the entertainment industry, and they can also be very controversial. Also not everyone likes them.
"They make a ton of money, a new one is always popping up, and they’re ruled by a bossy overlord who sleeps in a mask and she loves black men."
Those first two are very true. The third, though?
First of all, Emperor Sheev Palpatine would be the "bossy overlord." I have personally made plenty of comparisons between Kris Jenner and Palpatine — all favorable, of course.
Sleeping in a mask sounds like a reference to Darth Vader (or maybe to Kylo Ren, though he hopefully doesn"t sleep in that ridiculous thing).
We"re not prepared to rule out that either Palpatine or Darth Vader fetishized black male Humans, but that is certainly above and beyond the realm of Star Wars canon.
Plenty of people were scratching their heads. But hey, it was funny.
Haddish then turned her attention to another target.
"And you know who else I love?" Haddish asks. "Zendaya."
As the young people say, big mood.
"She taught me how to model," the host informs the audience.
"She taught me how to model," she repeats. "And I taught her how to grapefruit."
If you"re fortunate enough to not be aware, to grapefruit involves slicing a grapefruit ring and using it as an improvised sex toy to enhance the experience while performing fellatio.
(Please don"t do this; it"s a terrible idea, particularly if it is followed by sex, where the fruit juices could ruin a vagina"s pH balance)
"What?!" Haddish says in a mock-defensive tone. "She"s 21, now. She"s a grown woman."
That she is. This joke would not be funny, otherwise. But it is very funny.
"You gotta know how to do that if you want a husband," Haddish explains.
She also has other celebrity guests on her mind.
"Seth Rogen is here," Haddish announces.
Seth, we should note, is sporting a full beard.
"I like you, Seth," Haddish says. "You"re my favorite bearded white man since Abraham Lincoln."
That"s cute. And then she moves on.
"The Jonas Brother is here," Haddish announces, to great applause.
She is referring, of course, to Nick. He is famously attractive and the entire audience immediately steels themselves for whatever sex joke she will inevitably make.
"Nick Jonas is going to tear it up with Mustard," Haddish says, referring to the musician beside Nick. "Which is also how I want him to tear it up with me."
While we appreciate her enthusiasm for Nick, we wouldn"t recommend involving mustard in sex. That would be worse than grapefruit.
Haddish also talked about Riverdale.
"Apparently, Betty dates Jughead because he"s named after his penis."
(To be honest, that was a reminder to me that actual teens watch Riverdale; everyone I know who talks about it is well into their twenties, at least)
She also had thirst for more audience members than just Nick Jonas.
"I get to flirt with Chris Pratt from Parks and Recreation," Haddish brags. "And Chris Pratt from Guardians of the Galaxy!"
True.
"Hey Chris," she says. "I"ve got a galaxy you can guard."
It"s not subtle.
Honestly, it was much funnier when she was trying to bang Leonardo DiCaprio.
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