Katy Perry, for whatever reason, agreed to rate three former lovers by their sexual skills.
The lovers? Orlando Bloom, John Mayer, and Diplo.
Her answer is … not the most flattering.
Katy Perry’s brand has taken a few weird turns, you know?
Her “I’m sexy, look at my boobs, and no, I’m not Zooey Deschanel or Alison Brie, come on guys!” thing was never going to last forever.
Also, her “I’m the fun girl who parties with the gays” doesn’t distinguish her from … any other celebrity or even most other women her age.
And it turns out that “I’m feuding with Taylor Swift” isn’t an identity unto itself, let alone exclusive to her.
Lately she seems to be trying to zero in on LGBT culture and the community, possibly with the hopes of becoming a community fixture.
This is getting something of mixed reception.
But, maybe more notably, she’s shedding a lot of the “bubbly girl” persona that she wore for years and is being much more frank about things like sex and sexuality.
So, now she’s been asked, straight-up, to rate her past lovers.
James Corden is the one who asked, and he does have this unrelenting charm about him, so we understand her giving in and answering.
This was, by the way, on her big ridiculous livestream, where you can watch her sleep, if you’re into that (also please don’t be into that).
But realistically, we suspect that the question and answer were designed to call attention to Katy’s livestream. It’s working.
The three exes whom Katy rated were: Orlando Bloom, John Mayer, and Diplo. And Katy rated all three of them …
The Worst: Diplo
The In Between: Orlando Bloom
The Best: John Mayer
Now, we have to be fair, because she did quickly clarify that they were all three fantastic lovers and that she would happily have sex with them all again.
We don’t think that she was airing her plans, we think that she was just, you know, being nice and possibly being honest.
Diplo sounds less like the name of a DJ and more like the name of a pharmaceutical — what would that treat? Migraines?
But his actual name is Thomas Wesley Pentz, and in this day and age, you’d rather be mistaken for a drug than have someone think that you share a last name with Mike Pence.
But Diplo’s actually been around for years, and has even dabbled in feuding with Taylor Swift, the very thought of which is so exhausting that it makes us want to take a nap. But it gives him something in common with Katy, sort of.
Orlando Bloom is more widely known, and was part of the sexual awakening of plenty of folks who were teens when The Fellowship of the Ring and the first Pirates of the Caribbean came out.
Now it’s, like, 16 years later, and he still looks good — even when naked.
He and Katy also had an amicable breakup, like actual adults, which is pretty refreshing in the world of relentless Hollywood drama.
John Mayer has a reputation for giving off a pretty skeezy vibe, though he’s tried to make up for that in recent years.
Honestly, since Katy Perry made it clear that they aren’t going to date again, we hope that her praise doesn’t confuse him.
He strikes us as the kind of guy who’d hear “I’d have sex with him again” and think that it means that she wants him back.
In general, playing truth-or-dare on a livestream when you’re both celebrities isn’t the best idea, even if you both kind of have a feel for the other’s boundaries.
Ranking lovers is pretty vanilla when it comes to truth-sharing, but it is not when you are a celebrity and all three of them are celebrities (Diplo shouldn’t count but let’s just let him have this).
They have fans who adore them and, like literally all humans, they don’t want anyone thinking that they’re bad at sex.
Of course, it’s possible that Katy’s answer was very calculated.
If you think about it, Diplo’s the lowest on the “food chain” of those three, so of course you’d rank him last.
Orlando Bloom may not be his hottest self anymore, but he’s still widely recognized as being astonishingly good-looking. Plus, you know, those nude photos were wildly flattering.
So, of the two, Bloom might have the least need for additional praise.
Though … there’s always the chance that John Mayer is actually just really good at sex. Sometimes even the skeeziest guys are.
Sometimes they have that one thing going for them.
Someone could ask Taylor Swift if she agrees with Katy about their mutual ex … but honestly, who would dare?
We spent the last couple of years feeling a little fatigued about Katy Perry, but we have to admit that we’re interested to see what she gets up to next.
But if she wants to share anymore celebrity bedroom secrets, we’re up for hearing those, too.
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