Dog Owner Leaves Hilariously Detailed List of Rules for Nephew

Look, we all love our pets.

Some folks out there just love their pets more than other folks out there.

Or, to be more specific, some folks out there just have more specific and rigid guidelines for their pets than other folks out there.

The aunt of Tommy Rivers is one of these people.

In a hilarious string of Twitter posts, Rivers recently explained to followers exactly what his relative asked him to do while he took care of her beloved canine, Pepper, from how much the pooch should eat each day to the type of affection he"s allowed to receive…

1. This is Pepper

What a cutie, no?

2. All Aunts are "Too Much," Right?

Can you expound please, Tommy?

3. For the Most Beautiful Girl in the World

Those eating demands aren’t so crazy. If anything, we feel like Pepper deserves more food.

4. No Carbs?!?

Does Pepper need to lose weight? She looked fine to us.

5. Who is Sniffing Who in This Arrangement?

Perhaps we don’t want to know.

6. Is She Okay?!?

Where is the photo, Tommy?!?!?!?!?!?

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"Bachelor in Paradise" Camera Crew Gets Up and Close and Personal Under New Rules

The cast of “Bachelor in Paradise” now has a VERY close relationship with the crew under the show’s new rules. The question is, business as usual, or the new normal? Contestants were hanging poolside at the Mexican resort where ‘BiP’ resumed filming…

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Amy Duggar Flaunts Skin, Flouts Family Rules with Bikini Selfie!

The Duggars usually prefer to live just a few degrees away from The Handmaid’s Tale, a show that they would surely never watch because it’s part of sinful Western culture or something.

Amy Duggar King has always been something of an outsider in that family. She’s a niece rather than a daughter, for one thing. She also enjoys worldly things like enjoying her life.

But you don’t normally expect to see any Duggars dressed like Amy is in the photo below.

Contrary to what a lot of xenophobes (among other types of bigots) think, you don’t need to look to foreign countries or cultures to find ideologies that oppress women.

You literally just have to look to the Duggars.

(Plus an alarming number of fans, pundits, politicians, and others)

The Duggars follow a form of Christian Fundamentalism that places them on the fringe of society, even among fellow conservative Christians.

As viewed through the lens of Duggar beliefs, women are essentially the property of their fathers and then, when married, belong to their husbands.

Oh, they might not phrase it exactly like that, but that’s how it goes.

Jim Bob calls all of the shots.

At least until they get married, which is why Amy is now able to share photos like this one on Instagram.

This is a totally normal photo for those of us who live in our, um, “reprobate mainstream society” where women get (some) input over what they do with their bodies.

Instead of, you know, being nonstop incubators in a fertility cult.

But for the Duggars, this is scandalous.

Remember, this is a family where a woman wearing pants is controversial.

The harlot.

Like, girls-don’t-wear-pants was already considered old-fashioned in the 1930s.

But the attitude of the Duggars hails somewhat beyond that, before things like autonomy and reporting sexual predators to law enforcement were widely accepted.

Some historians would argue that the “yesteryear” that the Duggars seek to recreate never really existed as they imagine it.

It’s important to note that this isn’t Amy’s first time showing off her sinful skin-flesh.

Amy Duggar wore a bikini on her honeymoon with Dillon King.

It’s such a deviation from the beliefs of the Duggars that we almost wondered if we’d just dreamed it up, you know?

But she’s back at it again, being a person and deciding how to decorate her meat prison.

It’s almost like she’s her own person!

Amy and Dillon have had their share of marital issues, but they’ve taken steps to work through them.

Very public steps, we might add.

The Duggars aren’t strangers to conflict.

Jim Bob’s position as patriarch gives him a creepy level of authority over his children.

But once his daughters marry, they enter the custody of their lord husbands (ugh).

That’s resulted in some theological clashes between Jim Bob and his sons-in-law.

Sincerely held religious beliefs can be part of a person’s core identity, and they’re usually something worthy of respect.

But when someone tries to use them to control another person, that’s where we all have to draw the line.

Amy might no longer answer to Jim Bob’s whims, but how many of her cousins can say the same?

How many of her cousins will get to one day wear a bikini — if they choose to?

View Slideshow: Amy Duggar Swimsuit Photos: Girl Gone (Sort of) WILD!

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Scheana Marie Reveals New Vanderpump Rules Cast Members!

If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, then the thought of DJ James Kennedy probably brings to mind the image of a shaved ferret furiously pounding the play button on iTunes and wondering why women aren’t lining up to have sex with him.

Or maybe that’s too harsh.

Perhaps for you, DJ James conjures thoughts of a Harry Potter prequel that focuses on young Voldemort’s time as a West Hollywood club douche.

Whatever the case, we’re all in agreement that James is the absolute worst.

Unfortnuately, we have bad news for the James Haters out there, as it looks like Kennedy will be back for another season of pretending he has any reason to hang out around the rest of the Vanderpump crew.

This year promises to be even more awkward than last, as James’ one pseudo-ally, Lala Kent, quit the show last summer.

James needs someone to talk to other than the unseen middle-aged dude he rents a corner from (we assume his name is Ron), which might explain why Raquel Leviss is apparently being added to the cast.

The news comes to us courtesy of a post on Scheana Marie’s Instagram page:

Scheana posted the above pic during a day of filming, and the introductory tone of the caption led many fans to the impression that the folks she’s flanked by will be joining the Vanderpump family for Season 6:

“My pageant queen and SUR’s newest!” Scheana wrote alongside the pic.

The woman, of course, is pageant competitor and noted bad decision maker Leviss.

She’s dating Kennedy, who we can only assume has some Trump pee tape-level dirt on her.

The dude is a male model named Adam Spott, who is now, according to Scheana, SUR’s newest.

We’re not sure what sort of ties Spott has to the rest of the cast, but it’s not the first time producers have tried to liven things up with a newcomer who never appeared on the show as a friend of an existing SUR-ver.

It didn’t work out so well for Lala, or the ill-fated Vail Bloom (We miss you, baby girl.), but maybe the third time will turn out to be the charm.

If nothing else, Spott will give the ladies of SUR something to look at other than Kennedy’s rage-contorted mug, and we’re sure they’re grateful for that.

View Slideshow: 37 Classic Vanderpump Rules Moments in GIFs

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13 Most Fiery Feuds In Vanderpump Rules History

When it comes to Vanderpump Rules, let"s be honest:

Drama is what truly rules.

Along those lines, scroll down for a look at the most intense and explosive feuds in the history of this Bravo series…

1. Stassi Schroeder v. Kristen Doute

Back when Vanderpump Rules kicked off, the mean girl clique consisted of Stassi Schroeder, Kristen Doute and Katie Maloney. That all fell apart when it emerged that Kristen had indulged in some sexy time with Stassi’s ex-boyfriend Jax Taylor. It resulted in the scene above. The best part of it was when Lisa Vanderpump tried to get Stassi to apologize for lifting her hands. “She deserved to be slapped 47 more times,” Stassi replied, not giving a damn about the damage she did to Kristen’s face. It’s all class in WeHo.

2. Scheana v. The Mean Girl Clique

Scheana was ecstatic when Stassi publicly trashed the cast of the series because it gave her the opportunity to take her place in the clique. Scheana, Katie, and Kristen wound up getting along well. That all changed when Stassi realized SUR’s fried goat cheese balls were the best in the business, and weaseled her way back into the clique, even making up with Kristen Doute. From then, things took a tense turn when the girls tried to say who Scheana could hang around with. It was horrible. If anything good came out of it, it was the above GIF with Scheana trashing Tequila Katie.

3. James Kennedy v. Tom Sandoval

When Tom Sandoval finally got rid of Kristen Doute, he had a new friend and roommate in James. But then Kristen appeared on the scene after drinking a few bottles of Sauvignon Blanc and slept with James, before stealing him away from her ex-boyfriend. Nowadays, all three of them are still against one another, and Kirsten is probably still paying both of their bills.

4. Tequila Katie v. Stassi

Katie was not impressed with the way Stassi kept telling her who she could hang around with and the BFFs cut all ties, with Katie moving on to be friends with Scheana, and all was right in the world. Until Stassi returned and fought to have the friendship back. Somewhat confusing about the whole thing: Somewhere along the way, Katie essentially became Stassi by trying to pick out who her friends should hang around with.

5. Ariana Madix v. Kristen Doute

Kristen has always had it out for Ariana because in her eyes a man and a woman can’t just be friends. Long before Kristen and Tom Sandoval parted ways, Ariana and Tom were friends in SUR. Kristen kept trying to play up to the cameras that they were boning. However, Kristen was the one left red-faced when it emerged that she was the one having the affair… with Jax Taylor. To this day, Ariana hates Kristen and ignores her at all social gatherings. It’s awkward, but all they need is some alcohol to settle it once and for all.

6. Jax Taylor v. Stassi Schroeder

Jax Taylor battled to win back Stassi when she first cut him loose, but all of that was for nothing when she got wind of him and Kristen’s sexual encounters while Tom Sandoval was sleeping a few feet away from them. Jax has always been very convincing and he tried to make her think it was all a big fat rumor. When she found out the truth, however, she cut him off. Bizarrely, she wanted him back in her life recently for her dumb podcast.

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Scheana Marie vs. Rest of Vanderpump Rules Cast: Ongoing Feud Alert!

If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you know that the show’s past season wasn’t particularly kind to SUR hostess/aspiring pop singer/fake eyelash enthusiast Scheana Marie.

In addition to chronicling her divorce from Mike Shay, VPR Season 5 featured a storyline about Scheana being booted out of the chick clique that’s since dubbed itself the Witches of WeHo.

The politics of the group are complex, and providing a full explanation would take about as much time as giving you a full history of the Soviet Union, and it would feature just as many nefarious characters.

Suffice it to say, Stassi Schroeder was in charge, she fell from power, she maneuvered her way back into the group, and while she allows Katie Maloney to serve in a sort of figurehead capacity, Stassi is totally back in charge.

That’s bad news for Scheana, who has little choice but to accept the current power structure and serve up the occasional pinot grigio.

The cast is currently filming Season 6, and sources say Scheana is more on the outs than ever before, to the point that she has yet to film with the other ladies.

Judging from their Instagram pics, the rest of the cast is getting along just fine …

… They’ve just replaced Scheana with Jax Taylor’s girlfriend, Brittany Cartwright.

Stassi’s squad posted the pic above to celebrate National Best Friend Day, which is the latest dumb thing the Internet expects you to care about.

Not to be outdone, Scheana posted her own Besties Day pic.

Hers, of course, featured her BFFs Ariana Madix and Lala Kent.

So it seems she’s not completely without allies.

The only problem is that Lala quit the show last year, and Ariana’s storylines mostly center around her relationship with Tom Sandoval.

(Despite her insistence that she has no interest in marriage, we’re guessing Ariana and Tom will be the next Vanderpump couple to get hitched.)

These days, Scheana is dating Robert Valletta, but there’s no word on whether or not he’ll appear on the series.

Stassi, meanwhile, is back together with boyfriend Patrick Meagher, who will be joining the cast on a part-time basis this season.

Sounds like Stassi is only becoming more and more powerful.

It’ll take a lot of white wine to get her fall off her throne now.

View Slideshow: 37 Classic Vanderpump Rules Moments in GIFs

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Danny Dias From MTV"s "Road Rules" Dead from Possible Drug Overdose

Danny Dias, who starred in season 13 of MTV’s ‘Road Rules,’ has died and it appears drugs were involved … TMZ has learned. We’re told Dias was at his Brooklyn apartment Saturday with a friend. Law enforcement sources say the friend told them he…

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Scheana Marie: I Only Got Married Because of Vanderpump Rules!

If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you know that the show’s fifth season wasn’t particularly kind Scheana Marie.

In addition to finding herself at the very bottom of her chick clique totem pole, Scheana got divorced from Mike Shay in a messy split that played out over the season’s final episodes.

To make matters worse, Shay appeared on the Vanderpump reunion show, making for one of the most awkward moments in Bravo history.

Scheana sat down with the Juicy Scoop podcast earlier this week, and she was surprisingly candid in her discussion of the show, her marriage, and the way they each made the other more difficult:

“Contractually, he didn’t have a choice,” Scheana said of Shay’s odd decision to appear on the reunion show.

Some have fans have contested that explanation, pointing out that Mike didn’t seem to have much in the way of contractual obligation during the rest of the season.

The troubled aspiring music producer and rapper barely appeared on camera, chalking his absences up to “late nights in the studio.”

But Scheana says that while Shay’s enthusiasm for the series may have waned during the past season, he was completely on board earlier in the show’s run.

“We signed up to do this show together so I’m so sick of people being like ‘You dragged him into this. You can tell he never wanted it,"” Scheana told the host.

“We were together for a whole year before there was Vanderpump Rules.”

She added:

“He knew I wanted to be in the entertainment industry and when the idea of this show got brought up, we had a really long talk about it. What should we do? And we both agreed that we wanted to do it.”

Interestingly, Scheana admits that her role on the show influenced her decision to get married, and they she may not have tied the knot were it not for the pressure to drum up storylines:

“I’ve thought about that so much and I want to say yes, but I feel like we did maybe rush it a little. I was twenty nine and I felt like that was a time when I was ready,” Scheana says.

“We’d known each other for a long time, we’d been together for three years at that point. In hindsight, there a lot of red flags that I just kind of swept under the rug. It built up to be quite a large pile and I just kept walking over it.” 

In a revelation that probably won’t do much for Scheana’s reputation for being “fake,” the SUR hostess admits that marrying Shay for the show started as a joke … then quickly became a reality:

“Jokingly, we were like we are going to get engaged Season 2 and get engaged Season 3, have a kid Season 4 or 5. We were joking about it,” she tells the podcast.

That’s one joke that turned out to have a less-than-amusing punchline.

View Slideshow: 37 Classic Vanderpump Rules Moments in GIFs

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Kate Gosselin: INSANE Rules For Kids" Visits With Jon Revealed!

We’re used to finding out that Kate Gosselin subjects her kids to ridiculous rules and borderline abusive disciplinary actions.

And we’re used to finding out that she despises her ex-husband, Jon Gosselin, with the sort of passionate intensity usually found only in comic book villains.

But it’s nice to know that despite all her years of cruelty and severe emotional instability Kate hasn’t lost her ability to surprise us with just how bonkers she truly is.

The latest news of Kate’s troubling behavior comes from a new report published by In Touch Weekly.

A source close to Kate tells the magazine that the Gosselin children are “are prisoners in their own home.”

The anonymous tipster goes on to detail some of the bizarre rules that Kate uses to keep her children under her thumb:

“Kate says no clothing or belongings can be brought from her house to Jon’s house, so the kids arrive for visitation [at Jon’s] in their school uniforms and change into clothes Jon has for them when they get to his house,” the insider explains. 

“Then they put their uniforms back on before head­ing to their mom’s house.”

Not surprisingly, Kate doesn’t want her kids carrying devices that can transmit and receive messages (or take incriminating photos and video), so she takes a Kim Jong-Un-like stance on communication devices:

“So after they visit with their dad, she lines the kids up and pats them down for cell phones,” the source says, adding:

“She has these insane practices and rules to ensure she has total control of everything her kids do.”

As In Touch points out, Kate has a long history of resorting to drastic measures to prevent Jon from having any sort of relationship with his eight children:

In the past, she’s accused Jon of being a drug dealer, and even suggested that he carried on an inappropriate relationship with daughter Hannah.

“Jon had no idea at the time that she accused him of having an inappropriate relationship with Hannah,” says one insider.

“He was upset when he found out.”

Jon’s been fighting for joint custody of the kids for years, but insiders say he’s really ramped up his efforts in recent months.

Like any good despot Kate hes been running a non-stop propaganda campaign, tearing Jon apart in interviews and trying unsuccessfully to create the impression that he’s the unstable one in the relationship.

Don’t get us wrong: Jon won’t be winning any father of the year awards any time soon.

But when it comes to horrendous parenting, no one can top Kate.

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Vanderpump Rules Reunion: Scheana Reveals New BF to Mike Shay ... SO Awkward

On part three of the Vanderpump Rules reunion recap last night on Bravo, Scheana and Mike Shay’s divorce once again took center stage.

What did we learn this time around, if anything?

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 24 Online

Kicking off Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 24, perhaps the most boring reunion show of all time, was a whole lot of rehashing.

We know that’s the entire point, but unless there are some new revelations mixed in, or punches thrown, it’s all a bit of a snoozefest.

That being said, if you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you know that the divorce of Scheana Marie and husband Mike was a BFD.

At the reunion, she laid eyes on Mike Shay for the first time since telling him she wants a divorce in November, which was super awkward.

So why did Scheana and Mike Shay get divorced?

Shay has a penchant for cheating, ghosting and using drugs, basically. That’s quite the trifecta for a new wife to put up with, admittedly.

In addition to revealing what caused their split, the reunion saw the on-camera revelation that Scheana is dating Robert Valletta now.

Shay did not know this and was blindsided.

“You follow him on Instagram,” Scheana told Shay about her new actor boyfriend’s identity, in perhaps the most 2017 moment to date.

To put it mildly, the whole thing was harsh.

Even Scheana knows it, too, reaching out to Shay after the taping in hopes of making things right and moving forward with life amicably.

“I had sent him an email after the reunion … I felt I was very harsh in certain parts, I felt a little cold in other parts of it,” Scheana said.

“And then, the way he found out about Rob, I felt I needed to just give a little more of an explanation. I felt like I just owed that to him.”

“We’ve been friends for half our lives.”

At the reunion, Mike was clearly taken aback when he learned Scheana is dating, saying that he isn’t, since he’s “still technically married.”

He also accused her of talking about his drug use on the show, which he felt was very uncool, but Scheana wasn’t walking that back.

“My job is to tell my story and put my life out there,” she responded. “I’m sorry I’m not going to keep my mouth shut about that anymore.”

“We’re not together anymore,” she said of her former husband, adding that “me opening up about this has helped so many women, too.”  

All in all, it was an emotional experience.

That was true for Shay, who despite his many flaws, has gone through a lot and is struggling to get to a better place mentally and physically.

It was also the case for Scheana, who was wracked with anxiety to the point where she could not stop fidgeting with her hair and makeup.

Nevertheless, she said she has found herself in a better place following the demise of her two-year marriage, heartbreaking as it was. 

“I have my closure,” she told said.

“I’ve clearly moved on. I’m in a very good place, and I feel like I’ve never been happier,” Scheana added … do you believeher? 

View Slideshow: 37 Classic Vanderpump Rules Moments in GIFs

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Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 22 Recap: The Truth About Lala

Lala Kent quickly became a pariah on Vanderpump Rules. Part of that was down to the way she was acting when she first appeared on the show.

She was put on blast for her actions on Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 22 about her actions, but she had one last explosive argument with Stassi Schroeder. 

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 23 Online

When the episode got underway, Andy Cohen wanted to know why Lala decided that she was ditching Ariana’s birthday trip to Sonoma. If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you will remember that she never gave Ariana any notice about her intention. 

That meant there was a ticket that could have gone to someone else. 

“I went into full-on panic attack mode. The fact that Jax was going, and the last thing he said to me was not very kind,” Lala said. We were then treated to a scene which showed Lala trying to talk to Jax. 

This proved Lala’s point that everyone was out to get her because Jax told her she was trash and nobody liked her. 

Tom Sandoval, however, seemed to think Lala was putting on a show because she’s just so full of drama. 

“That’s bulls–t. We talked ahead of time before this trip about these issues numerous times and made it very clear that if Jax or anybody f–k with you, I’d put a stop to it immediately.”

We then got some much-needed insight into what was going on with Lala’s love life. Stassi was quick to point out that the man was married, but Lala was not rising to it. 

“I also don’t have the right to speak about someone else’s life on national television when they did not sign up for this,” the former SUR hostess revealed. 

When Stassi tried to comment on it again, Lala was quick to fire back that Stassi’s boyfriend did not want to be part of the show. This sent Stassi into overdrive. 

“Stop being a bully,” Lala fired back at Stassi. “Stop bing a mean girl. Do not f–k with my relationship, girl! Fall the f–k back!”

Stassi also took issue with the non-disclosure agreements at Coachella, but Lala wanted to move on. 

“Because of everything you’ve heard and made up in your head, you’ve really f–ked with my life a lot. So stop with the ‘I heard’ — you’re a grown-ass woman.”

Lisa Vanderpump then asked: “Is this coming from your boyfriend?”

But Lala replied, “No, leave him out of this — he has nothing to do with it. Stop even talking about him.”

Andy quizzed Lala about whether she was finished with the show, but she did not answer the question, opting instead to apologize to everyone. 

“First and foremost, I have done a lot of slamming to everyone up here, so I just want to let y’all know for that, I’m sorry,” she said.

Everyone seemed to accept the apology, before Lala peaced out — presumably for the last time. 

After that, Nikolai appeared on the show and sent zingers to pretty much the whole cast, but he saved the best one for Stassi.

“Stassi, just so you know, you can’t get everything you want in life, and I’ve seen you do that numerous times,” Nikolai said.

Everyone looked on in horror, while we switched gears to Katie’s drinking. Katie claimed that Scheana was painting a picture that she was an alcoholic, but Scheana corrected her and said she worried about her actions while drunk. 

Ariana then went on blast Stassi for being this master manipulator, but Miss. Schroeder claimed she only cared about making friends. 

Okay then. 

Was this the reunion episode you were hoping for? Hit the comments below!

View Slideshow: 13 Times Vanderpump Rules Was Like Mean Girls

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UFC"s Michelle Waterson Weighs In On Breast Implant Rules

UFC strawweight Michelle Waterson — aka the Karate Hottie — doesn’t like that fellow UFC fighter Pearl Gonzalez had to jump through hoops to get cleared to fight with breast implants … and says all women with fake boobs should be allowed to…

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Ja Rule"s Hosting a VIP Jet Party Before Fyre Festival in Bahamas

Ja Rule will be the mile-high master of ceremonies for a private celeb jet bash … just before they land at his Bahamas Fyre Festival. We’re told the passenger manifest includes Victoria’s Secret models Chanel Iman and Shanina Shaik, Baltimore…

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Lala Kent Returns to Vanderpump Rules For Reunion Show: I Want to Stand Up to the Mean Girls!

Lala Kent returned to Vanderpump Rules last night for episode one of the show’s three-part (?!) reunion special.

The rest of the cast was clearly taken off guard by the surprise cameo, with Scheana Marie (one of the few ladies on the cast who doesn’t have active beef with Ms. Kent) remarking that she thought Lala was in New York.

Well, as it turned out, Lala was in La La Land, and she had one final message for the Tequila Katie-led chick clique that led her to quit the series:

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 22 Online

“We’re grown adults,” Lala told Bravo cameras before taking the stage.

“Stop bullying people. Stop being mean. Like enough with the mean girl stuff. It’s played out. Your mom should have told you that.”

It was a move that called to mind Stassi Schroeder returning to the show (“crawling back,” in James Kennedy’s words) after a brief sojourn in New York, and while she didn’t pound any mini-liquor bottles backstage, Lala did come equipped to take on a tough crowd:

“I wanted my look today to be like ‘don’t mess with me b–ch’ but like kind of soft as well,” she said as she arrived at the studio.

Once she took her seat alongside her former co-workers, Lala was more “soft” than bad b–tch, explaining that she’s not proud of her behavior on the show last season, and that her harshest comments were products of deep-seated insecurity.

Though Stassi and Lala have feuded on social media several times since the latter stepped down from her post at SUR, it was Lala and Katie who went head-to-head last night.

We expected a bloodbath. 

What we got was something truly rare in the world of reality television – two people making progress through genuine empathy and compassion.

Yes, Lala may have arrived with the intention of burning her rivals to the ground, but she wound up forging an actual connection with Katie.

That said, we doubt that Kent regrets quitting Vanderpump, and there were still some deeply awkward moments that no amount of justification could ameliorate.

Asked about her dire predictions regarding the marriage of Katie and Tom Schwartz, for example, Lala had this to say:

“Because I think [they will get divorced. I think marriage is a really long-term commitment. I probably don’t think that I could make it in marriage [either].”

Solid effort, but you’re still sitting there telling a couple newlyweds you don’t think they’ll make it.

Suffice it to say, Lala probably won’t be getting invited to game night at Casa de Schwartz any time soon.

Which is a shame, because with Jax and Brittany living right next door, it’s probably really easy to dominate at Trivial Pursuit. 

View Slideshow: 37 Classic Vanderpump Rules Moments in GIFs

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James Kennedy: I Only Dated Kristen Doute to Get on Vanderpump Rules!

James Kennedy may have officially earned the title of biggest douche in the history of reality television.

That may sound like a gross exaggeration given the number of Disicks and Situations that have populated out TV screens over the years, but no one has so deftly combined narcissistic bullying with simpering, whiny self-obsession quite like DJ James.

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules Season 5 finale was blessedly devoid of James (as much of the latter half of the season has been), but he still sound a way to solidify his claim to the King Douche throne.

The three-part (!!!) Vanderpump reunion show taped earlier this month, and James was on hand to douche up the proceedings as only he can.

Discussing his relationship with girlfriend Raquel Leviss, Kennedy sang the praises of the aspiring beauty queen, who seems happy to turn a blind eye to his many infidelities and abusive behavior toward the show’s female cast members.

“I’ve never been in a happier relationship in my life,” James said when asked about Raquel.

“Happier than when you were with Kristen [Doute]?” host Andy Cohen asked.

James made it clear that there’s no comparison between the 

“Oh my god,” Kennedy retorted.

“That was the most toxic, negative thing ever. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to go into that. I had my reasons.”

That was when number one James-hater confirmed the long-held suspicion about Kennedy:

“You went on the show,” Taylor said, seemingly confirming that Kennedy dated Doute just to land on a spot on one of Bravo’s most popular reality shows.

It’s an accusation that makes James look almost unimaginably smarmy, but amazingly, he was happy to embrace it.

“F**k yeah I did, mate!” Kennedy laughed, reportedly high-fiving Jax in celebration.

To make matters worse, he added:

“To be honest, I was getting on the show regardless because I was either going to move in with [Tom Sandoval] or start banging his ex-girlfriend.”

Yes, at this point, we don’t think there’s any question that James is the Lord Douche Supreme of reality television.

(Not that he doesn’t have some stiff competition from elsewhere of basic cable.)

Watch Vanderpump Rules online to relive all of James’ douchiest moments.

It may take you a few weeks.

The guy is really just the worst.

View Slideshow: Raquel Leviss: Who Is James Kennedy’s Girlfriend?

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Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Sad End of Scheana and Mike

Monday on Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 21, Scheana Marie realized that Mike could be back on drugs after his erratic behavior. 

When the episode got underway, Katie Maloney was walking down the aisle to become Katie Schwartz with Tom Schwartz. 

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 21 Online

“Never text with tequila,” Lisa grinned as she gave us all a throwback to Tom and Katie’s more troubling times in their relationship. 

“I had been told that romance in L.A. was fleeting and often short-lived, often lasting only one night — according to my roommate Jax Taylor,” Schwartz said after ripping his vows apart and apparently speaking from the heart. 

If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you were probably shocked the pair actually said, “I do.”

“It’s with a full heart and much pride and love that I now pronounce you husband and wife,” Lisa said.

“It is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz.”

Then, our favorite TV crew partied the night away, but there was drama when Jax pulled Brittany aside to apparently call time on their relationship. 

“Listen, I don’t think things are going well for us anymore,” Jax revealed, but he took it back as soon as Brittany started tearing up. 

He was joking, you guys! Producers probably had a heart attack during filming because the apparent spin-off that is in the works for them. 

After Ariana was against the whole marriage thing, a deflated Sandoval was chatted to by Lisa about a new business venture that would include him and Schwartz. 

She had a dream of opening a new bar called “Tom Tom,” inspired by the two boys, of course. They were both ecstatic, but Schwartz was too busy being happily married to think it through. 

After all of the exciting wedding scenes, the show pressed forward three months to reveal that Scheana was at Lisa’s house revealing the details about her marriage breakdown. 

“I found out recently about Shay …” Scheana began.

“He goes MIA for six days, doesn’t answer any of my calls, doesn’t talk to me.”

“Since you got married, it’s been bulls–t,” Lisa said, looking at Scheana.

“Since the day you found out he was addicted to pills, it’s all been bulls–t.” Lisa claimed to Scheana.

Scheana then revealed that her former love had emptied her bank account to fund his drug addiction. 

“I started checking emails, and I noticed ‘overdraft protection,’” Scheana said.

“I’m like, ‘Overdraft? There’s $ 7,000 in that account.’ I open my app, and there’s $ 32.”

This helped Scheana understand that her marriage was over, so she met with Shay and confirmed they were totes over. 

At least she has moved on with Robert Valetta. As for Shay, there’s a good chance we won’t see him again on the show, but what the actual heck?

Scheana was completely broken. It was horrible to watch. It was such a dark contrast from the events earlier in the episode. 

Next week: Reunion! Lala Kent returns!

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Scheana Shay Accuses Mike of Infidelity, Vanderpump Rules Reunion Taping EXPLODES in Scandal

It was all over for Scheana Marie Shay and Mike Shay in late November.

Following weeks of rumors and innuendo regarding their marriage, the Vanderpump Rules star confirmed their divorce in a joint statement.

“While we have made the difficult decision to move forward separately, our story will continue on through the love and mutual respect that we have cultivated throughout our 15-year friendship,” the controversial couple said at the time.

The reality star added:

“Much of the recent speculation and reporting on our relationship has been misguided, and we have come to an amicable decision on all matters.

“We might have failed at our marriage, [but] we are committed to succeeding as friends and will continue to support each other’s personal happiness and professional success.”

That was then, however.

This is what has happened now:

In a taping for the Vanderpump Rules Season 5 finale, Scheana came out this week and basically accused Mike of cheating on her.

“Have you spoken to Shay at all?” Lisa Vanderpump asks Scheana backstage in a Bravo-sponsored clip.

“I haven’t seen him since we filmed,” the reality star replied. “I think he’s going to be way more uncomfortable than I’m going to feel. I have a room of support and friends.”

For years prior to their split, Mike Shay battled a substance abuse problem.

In a 2015 episode of their popular reality series, Scheana Marie staged an intervention for her troubled man, but clearly it didn’t take, as Mike actually went missing for multiple days last fall.

It was presumed at the time that he had fallen off the wagon and was on some kind of drug binge.

It has also been presumed that this marriage fell apart as a result of Mike’s unfortunate dependency.

But maybe not.

“I caught him texting another girl,” Scheana claims at the reunion, to which Mike responds:

“I can’t even look at you right now.”

The three-part reunion special kicks off on Monday, April 3 and marks the first time the couple has seen each other since Scheana filed for divorce from the musician.

It sounds as if things are about to get a lot worse between the stars before they get a lot better. If they get better at all.

Scheana, as previously reported, is now dating Amber Valletta’s brother, Robert Valletta.

The relationship appears to be getting serious, which is another awkward topic you can expect to be broached at the reunion.

Will you be tuning in for this three-part special?

Sorry, that’s akin to asking whether Kylie Jenner will be wearing next to nothing in her next Instagram photo, right?

Of course you will be!

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Vanderpump Rules Recap: Taco Tuesday, Wedding Wednesday!

On Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 20, it became obvious that Stassi had changed for the better, to the surprise of no one ever.

How did Lisa react to that, and did she figure out what was going on with Scheana when her waitress started acting erratically at work?

Also … Schwartz and Katie got married! For real!

Watch Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 20 Online

If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you knew that with only 24 hours left until their big day, it was still up in the air whether it’d happen.

Katie and Schwartz had endured a tumultuous couple of weeks leading up to the wedding, to say the least, and everyone was freaking.

Jax Taylor, for one, was beyond stressed.

Tom Sandoval wanted to surprise his namesake by flying out his triplet brothers for the wedding, but the trio missed their flights to LA.

“I couldn’t think of anything that could suck more,” Jax lamented. “All they had to do was show up on time, and they couldn’t do that!”

Why Tom’s brothers flying in would be a surprise, we can’t say, but Mike Shay was feeling melancholy in the run-up to the event, too.

“His behavior lately has just been off,” Scheana Shay said, later lying to Lisa, who asked how everything has been going with her marriage:

“Amazing! We have our spark back!” she said.

“When we kiss, it’s like the first time again.”

The announcement of the inevitable Scheana and Mike Shay divorce came after this was filmed, and much has been written about it.

Soon it was time for the happy (?) couple’s “Taco Tuesday” rehearsal dinner, and then the wedding, which Lisa finally agreed to officiate.

How was the Big Boss feeling about that?

“I’m a little bit nervous because I’m officiating the wedding, but I’ve had no direction whatsoever,” Lisa told the Bravo cameras of the role.

“I could be saying, ‘Hey, do you f–ker take you f–ker to get married and spend the rest of your life screaming at each other?’ They have no idea!”

They would have an idea if she said that during the ceremony, but we think we know where’s going with it. In any case, it was so emotional.

“Oh, if you start crying, I’ll start crying,” Lisa jokingly said to Katie, while Schwartz’s brothers showed up after all and Tom broke down.

“My brain is not even processing,” Schwartz said, clearly moved. “I’m looking at them. I know it’s my brothers! But my mind won’t accept it.”

For his part, Jax was just relieved.

“I wanted to rip my teeth out, and then stick a spoon in my eye and drag my body behind a semi-truck. That’s what it was like,” he said.

Getting them there was worth it, though, so they could witness their brother’s nuptials … but first, some vintage Stassi Schroeder tears.

Stassi admitted that she made mistakes (“Maybe you needed to grow up,” Lisa told her) as she tried to make it right before the wedding.

Most importantly, Schwartz and Katie’s wedding finally arrived, and both Tom and Katie actually showed up and exchanged vows. Amazing.

Schwartz finished writing his vows with only an hour to spare, and Kristen, Tom and Jax scrambled to get everyone there, but they did.

And they all lived happily ever after?

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