Chad Johnson. Two words say it all when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise Season 3 Episode 1, as The Bachelorette villain did not disappoint.
He didn’t just make his presence felt in paradise. The Chad exceeded our lofty standards for the debauchery he’s capable of bringing.
The group arrived on the shores of Playa Escondida in Sayulita, Mexico and got acquainted, and it didn’t take long for s–t to go down.
Chris Harrison teased 24 hours prior, if you watch Bachelore in Paradise online, you will be treated to one of the all-time train wrecks.
The format: Contestants will be going on Bachelor-style dates, and if they get a date card, they get to choose who they want to go with.
Each week, there’s a rose ceremony … if a person isn’t “in a relationship” prior to that and don’t receive a rose at the ceremony, bye.
The first week, the guys are handing out the roses; the following week, the roles will reverse and the ladies will hand them out instead.
The only exception is the twins, in which case, if any of the guys extends a rose to either sister, the other one will be staying as well.
Confused yet? We don’t blame you, but it’s secondary anyway.
This season’s cast includes twins Emily and Haley, Evan, Amanda, Daniel and none other than Nick Viall, perennial runner-up himself.
Jubilee was there in Paradise as well, along with Vinny, Jared, Carly, Grant and Sarah, plus Izzy and Lace. Grant’s take on the latter:
“I feel like I’m really good at reading people and I can tell that Lace is a mess. She’s hot, but I feel sorry for anyone in a relationship with her.”
Pretty much. It was all about Chad, though, and the buildup to his arrival lasted was as ominous as it was long – but he made it worth it.
For us. Not the people who had to actually be around him.
After a quick chat with Chris Harrison in which he insisted he was looking for love, the notorious JoJo Fletcher castoff made his appearance.
Within about 45 seconds, Chad and Lace were all over each other, splashing around and looking like they might bang or kill each other.
Nick summed it up thusly: “You know how rats have a lot of sex and they multiply a lot but they also eat each other? Chad and Lace.”
Truth. As Chad and Lace drank more, the making out intensified, along with the aggression; Lace then backed away from Chad entirely.
Johnson did not like this one bit, to put things mildly.
“I’ll murder everyone here. I’ll kill your children and murder your family. Dolla, dolla bills, yo,” he said, making zero sense whatsoever.
When Sarah called him out, Chad crossed the line in a big way when he responded “F— that one-armed bitch,” in reference to her handicap.
“You suck that d–k,” he continued, mortifying his co-stars and viewers at home. “Keeping sucking that d—. Keep sucking that fame.”
Daniel tried to talk some sense into him, but Chad wasn’t having it: “You’re being such a bitch, dude. Why are you being so un-murder-y?”
Yes, un-murder-y. That’s a positive attribute, no?
Chad then took a few swings and his former Bachelorette co-star before mercifully falling asleep on the deck and ending his night of terror.
In the morning, he woke up with no underwear, not because he was getting it on with lovely Bachelor ladies, but because he s–t his pants.
That pretty much sums up Chad Johnson for you.
Obviously, Chris Harrison was alerted to the shenanigans and addressed them at a house meeting, admonishing the franchise pariah.
Even as Sarah and Lace described his shocking, rude and disrespectful behavior, Chad would not own up to it or apologize in any way.
Chris calmly said, “You told everybody at this hotel last night to suck a d–k. You had a chance to turn over a new leaf and you didn’t.”
“So, on behalf of everybody, I’m sorry, I thought this could work out, it didn’t. I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” Harrison added.
Chad was livid, storming out in another rampage.
“I’m not doing it again,” he said, refusing to do an exit interview. “You’re not going to make me look like an a–hole. I have nothing.”
To Harrison, he said, “You don’t even watch this. You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. F–k you, dude.”
“Go drink your mimosas. You think this is all fun and games? This is my life. You’re going to sit here and try and make me look like a bitch?”
“F–k you, Chris Harrison. Come at me.”
No words. There are no words.
