Two-Pump Trump: Stormy Daniels Says Prez Sucks in Bed, Wants to Bang Ivanka

As President of the United States, Donald Trump has a historically low job approval rating, having never once topped 50 percent.

According to adult film actress and frequent Trump foil Stormy Daniels, his performance in the sack also leaves a lot to be desired.

In an interview published Tuesday in Vogue, Daniels – who famously alleges a 2006 tryst with Trump – opens up about their encounter.

Well, what little there was of it, anyway.

“How many details can you really give about two minutes?” she says, asked by the magazine to describe boning Trump.

When the interviewer asked if it was really just two minutes, Daniels wasn’t sure, adding: “Maybe. I’m being generous.”

Damn. That’s gotta hurt, Donnie.

We suppose it’s not altogether shocking. Trump doesn’t spend much time working nowadays, prefering to watch TV and use Twitter.

Two minutes is an eternity for him to pay attention to anything, and living such a sad, lonely sedentary lifestyle can’t be good for virility.

In any case, the porn star – who is famously suing Trump and his lawyer Michael Cohen – has never shied away from calling him out.

Their affair, which allegedly took place after a celebrity golf tournament, and not long after he married Melania, was … boring, she says.

“It was textbook generic,” she said of the sexual experience. “It wasn’t like, ‘Oh my God, I love you.’ He wasn’t like Fabio or anything.”

Regarding Trump’s relationship with Melania, Daniels says that Trump told her not to worry about his life … well, that aspect of it.

One thing Trump loves to talk about is his hot daughter Ivanka, to whom he likened Stormy. That’s gotta be flattering … or creepy.

“He bragged about his daughter [Ivanka] quite a bit though. He was very proud of her, which is nice,” Stormy recalls.

“He told me once that I was someone to be reckoned with, someone beautiful and smart like his daughter,” Daniels added.

“I guess that’s a compliment.” 

This is a guy who mused about his other daughter Tiffany Trump’s boobs when she was an infant, so it’s something, alright.

Stormy claims that Trump was somewhat star-struck in meeting her, and even asked for an autograph after their encounter.

Dear Donnie, that was the least exciting 45 seconds of my life, but hey, it’s tough without a condom. Love, Stormy xo

The blowback from Trump’s affair with Daniels has lasted a hell of a lot longer than he does in bed, as evidenced by last week.

His former lawyer, Cohen, now admits paying off Daniels in the weeks before the 2016 election to keep quiet about the affair.

Saying that he did so at the direction of Trump, Cohen pleaded guilty to felony charges and faces several years behind bars.

Daniels took a victory lap, and with the help of her ubiquitous lawyer Michael Avenatti, we’re guessing it won’t be her last.

View Slideshow: Stormy Daniels Spanked Donald Trump… and 14 Other Revelations from Her 60 Minutes Interview

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Andy Dick Groped Ivanka Trump in Resurfaced Jimmy Kimmel Footage

Of all of the men named in #MeToo stories, Andy Dick was the least surprising to many folks. Yes, including Harvey Weinstein.

And now, the world can see for themselves in newly resurfaced video from 2007.

On television — on Jimmy Kimmel, in fact — Andy Dick reaches over and gropes Ivanka before getting removed by security.

Andy Dick is a comedian and actor. Unfortunately, he has been accused of groping a number of people.

Despite his dismissive attitude towards those claims, he has been let go from projects because of it.

(Don"t touch people without their consent, folks)

Now, an old clip of Andy exhibiting inappropriate touching has surfaced.

He and Ivanka Trump were both guests of Jimmy Kimmel"s in 2007. And Andy couldn"t — or rather, he simply refused to — keep his hands to himself.

In the clip, Andy can be seen reaching over and running his finger"s along Ivanka"s leg.

Kimmel tells him to stop.

Ivanka, though trying to laugh it off at the time (and clearly looking over to Kimmel to make sure that he has noticed), tries to get him to stop.

Eventually, Andy was removed by security.

Kimmel would later suggest that Andy, who has been to rehab more than a dozen times in his struggle for sobriety, was under the influence.

Andy actually reminded his followers about this incident by posting about it in December of 2017.

"The time I "groped" Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, on Jimmy Kimmel Live," he writes.

"Her legs were sparkling," he says, as if to explain. "And I was trying to see if the glitter would wipe off."

That curiosity is understandable. Acting on it is not excusable.

"I also mistakenly thought she would date me," he says.

Wow.

"I was jokingly carried off by security," Andy says.

Maybe half-jokingly.

"Is anybody going to carry Trump off?" Andy asked in December. "No joke. Confusing times."

This is a transparent attempt to deflect from his own actions.

See, a lot of people would like to see Donald Trump impeached and tried for his misconduct and alleged crimes.

But trying to distract from your own behavior by pointing to someone else"s is called whataboutism.

Ivanka Trump may be her father"s daughter, but that doesn"t mean that it"s open season on any of her body parts.

Andy Dick has been dismissive of allegations against him, saying that he never touched people"s genitals and perhaps licked some people"s faces.

His implication was that it"s all part of his brand.

Folks, "it"s all part of the act" does not fly when we"re talking about sexual harassment or sexual assault.

If the other person does not consent, you are not entitled to touch them. Yes, even if their father is a bad, bad man.

Andy Dick may struggle with sobriety, and we wish him the best on his quest for good mental and physical health.

But everyone has their struggles. No one is entitled to invade another"s body without permission. Even if it"s covered in glitter.

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Kim Kardashian Says Ivanka Trump Started Process to Free Alice Johnson

Kim Kardashian says the first person she called to start the process of freeing Alice Johnson was none other than Ivanka Trump … who apparently got things in motion. Kim and Alice sat down with “TODAY” host Hoda Kotb and explained how Alice…

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Samantha Bee Addresses Ivanka Trump Insult C-ntroversy

Last week, comedian and late night host Samantha Bee apologized after referring to Ivanka Trump as a "feckless c-nt."

Conservatives, still licking their wounds from Roseanne"s cancelation and eager for payback, raised their voices online. Even Trump demanded Bee"s firing.

On Wednesday night, Full Frontal with Samantha Bee"s newest episode began with a cold open in which Bee addressed the controversy.

During Full Frontal"s cold open, Samantha addresses the camera and her audience with a somber tone.

"You know, a lot of people were offended and angry that I used an epithet to describe the president"s daughter and adviser last week."

She referred to Ivanka as feckless, meaning that she is irresponsible, but that was not the word that had people up in arms.

"It is a word I have used on the show many times hoping to reclaim it."

In most English-speaking countries, the c-word does not carry the scandalous weight that it does in the United States. Clearly, Bee would like for that to change.

"This time I used it as an insult."

Generally speaking, you can"t reclaim a word while also hurling it at people you dislike. She admits her error.

"I crossed the line, I regret it and I do apologize for that."

For those who are puzzled as to why her description of Ivanka was controversial at all, Bee explains exactly why.

"The problem is that many women have heard that word at the worst moments of their lives."

This, folks, is how one describes a slur. For the LGBT+ community, there"s an f-slur and a t-slur, among others. For many black people around the globe, that word is the n-word.

Naturally, people against whom a slur would be used are generally allowed to use it, as it does not mean the same thing coming from them.

But not all women are eager to hear the c-word, in any context.

"A lot of them don"t want that word reclaimed, they want it gone. And I don"t blame them."

She would never want to be part of making any woman relive the suffering of her past, whether it"s from creepy catcallers on the street or from a toxic partner or family member.

"I don"t want to inflict more pain on them."

Don"t worry — even though this cold open was not really designed to entertain, she has some good lines.

"I want this show to be challenging and I want it to be honest, but I never intended it to hurt anyone."

Well …

"Except Ted Cruz."

Famously, Bee teamed up with Michelle Branch for "Goodbye Ted Cruz" after Cruz dropped out of the 2016 Presidential primaries, a spoof on Branch"s classic "Goodbye To You."

Bee also acknowledged that women weren"t the only ones who took issue with her use of language.

"Many men were also offended by my use of the word."

And …

"I do not care about that."

Samantha laments that the episode that aired and its many important topics were overshadowed by four simple letters.

"I hate that this distracted from more important issues."

Among other things, Full Frontal writer Ashley Nicole Black"s mother appeared during a segment of the episode that will probably never air again. That"s so unfair.

"I hate that I did something to contribute to the nightmare of 24-hour news cycles that we"re all white-knuckling through."

Every day is a… wait, she already said nightmare. Remember when checking Twitter was fun?

"I should have known that a potty-mouthed insult would be inherently more interesting to them than juvenile immigration policy."

Samantha talked even further about the issue of ICE separating children from their parents at the border, including asylum seekers who are abiding by the law.

"I would do anything to help those kids. I hate that this distracted from them. So, to them, I am also sorry."

You can really hear her adorable Canadian accent when she says soorry, there. But that"s not the point.

Before the (jokingly censored) opening music plays, Samantha Bee has just a few more words of advice.

"If you are worried about the death of civility, don"t sweat it."

Her job is not to be polite, particularly not to those who are in power.

"I"m a comedian. People who hone their voices in basement bars while yelling back at drunk hecklers are definitely not paragons of civility."

But she reiteratest hat she regrets using the c-word.

"I am really sorry that I said that word."

She shares another thought.

"But you know what? Civility is just nice words. Maybe we should all worry a little bit more about the niceness of our actions."

Those are wise words.

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Samantha Bee Apologizes for Calling Ivanka Trump a "Feckless C-nt"

Samantha Bee is known for playing dirty.

But the comedian now admits that she played a bit too dirty in her recent critique of Ivanka Trump.

Allow us to explain…

In a segment that aired on Wednesday’s edition of her Comedy Central talk show, Full Frontal, Bee attacked the First Daughter for her inability to put a to stop her father’s immigration policies.

Ivanka recently came under extreme fire for sharing an Instagram photo of herself and her son, a move she made amidst nationwide outcry over the separation of undocumented children from their parents.

“My [heart],” Trump wrote as a caption to this sweet, albeit tone deaf and poorly-timed, photo:

In response to this image, along with growing questions over how the current administration handled immigrant parents and their kids, Bee said the following yesterday:

“Let me just say, one mother to another, do something about your dad’s immigration practices, you feckless cunt!.

He listens to you.

“Put on something tight and low-cut and tell your father to fucking stop it. Tell him it was an Obama thing and see how it goes.”Y

Yeah. Bee very much went there. See it here for yourself:

Samantha Bee Slams Ivanka Trump as a “Cunt”

Moreover, Bee went there (dropping the C-Word AND implying that President Trump is attracted to his own child) the same week that Roseanne Barr slammed a former black White House aide as an “ape” and saw her sitcom get canceled as a result.

Therefore, many Conservaties are calling out the media for a double standard.

Why has Roseanne been dragged so hard, yet so little has been said about Bee?

Why did ABC axe Roseanne Season 11, yet Time Warner and TBS have not uttered a single critique of Bee?

“Compare ABC’s reaction to Roseanne Barr’s tweet w TBS’s non-reaction to Samantha Bee and you’ll see a double-standard in action,” Tweeted George W. Bush advisor Ari Fleischer, adding:

“There’s no uprising against Bee. Why? Because she is liberal.  Because the MSM protects Obama and his aides, but not Trump. The hypocrisy is sickening.”

Adds Megyn Kelly:

“This is disgusting. How is this acceptable? And how are we expected to take any of these publications seriously if they gleefully repost something like this at the same time they (rightfully) condemn @therealroseanne?

“You know the saying Love is Love? Well Hate is Hate.”

We’re not sure if this is an exact comparison, of course.

Roseanne has a history of saying racist things. And she dropped a very general and pretty darn random epithet on Valerie Jarrett.

Bee, conversely, basically just used bad language to describe Ivanka for one specific reason.

Still, however, Bee has offered an apology, Tweeting this afternoon:

I would like to sincerely apologize to Ivanka Trump and to my viewers for using an expletive on my show to describe her last night. It was inappropriate and inexcusable.

I crossed a line, and I deeply regret it.

Will this mark the end of the issue?

Probably not.

It seems impossible to believe that Donald Trump won’t chime in with an opinion, while the White House itself has denounced the remark via press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She wants action taken against the Comedy Central host:

“The language used by Samantha Bee last night is vile and vicious,” she said, adding:

“The collective silence by the left and its media allies is appalling.

“Her disgusting comments and show are not fit for broadcast, and executives at Time Warner and TBS must demonstrate that such explicit profanity about female members of this administration will not be condoned on its network.”

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Samantha Bee Calls Ivanka Trump a "Feckless C***" on "Full Frontal"

Samantha Bee went in hard on Ivanka Trump, calling her a “feckless c***” who needs to do something about her father’s actions in the White House. Bee dropped the bombshell during her show, ‘Full Frontal,’ Wednesday night. She ripped…

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Ivanka Trump: Trolled Hard for Frosty Mother"s Day Message to Ivana

Sunday was Mother’s Day, and like so many other celebrities who wrote tributes to their moms, Ivanka took to Instagram to architect a post of her own.

But she’s being slammed in the comments — even by people who seem to like her — for her brief, impersonal post about Ivana.

Is she deliberately giving her mom the cold shoulder?

Alongside an image of Ivana Trump, her mother who is one of Donald Trump’s ex-wives, Ivanka writes:

“Happy Mother’s Day to my amazing mother and the best skier I know!”

That’s a … super specific bit of praise.

“Love you.”

She follows that with a double heart emoji and a “#MothersDay” tag.

This was the accompanying image:

A number of commenters weren’t exactly overcome with emotion when they saw this glamour shot of Ivana or when they saw her daughter’s message.

“That was a weak Mother’s Day wish. Ivana, you deserve better than that.”

“How nice… but I’m sure she has some pretty amazing attributes as a mother than just being the best skier.”

“You are who you are because of her. She deserves more honor. Happy Mothers Day all!”

“Wow, that’s it?! And she’s @itsivanatrump supposed to visit you in #prison?? #prisonprep101 #LockThemAllUp.”

“Your dad should’ve been a better husband to her.”

Some of those are more political than others, obviously.

We included this image, because seeing it may highlight the brevity that alarmed so many commenters.

For a comparison, let’s look at Ivanka’s sister, Tiffany Trump, and the post that she made to her mother, Marla Maples.

Tiffany writes:

“Happy Mother’s Day! [double heart emoji] @itsmarlamaples I love you with all of my heart and I’m so grateful for all of your love!”

This caption accompanied a digital collage of photos of Tiffany and Marla:

Tiffany’s post is nearly as terse and frosty as Ivanka’s, but the photo collage is much more personal.

So perhaps it runs in the family?

At the same time, we should consider that even some of the criticisms that were not overtly political may have been politically motivated.

After all, it’s not like Ivana Trump has hordes of eager fans looking to defend her honor.

Rather, when someone is the daughter of the most hated man on the planet and plays an active role in his policies, everything that she does looks like a mistake.

That is understandable — the Mueller investigation is trudging along, but the wheels of justice move slowly.

Entertaining revelations about Trump, Russia, and Stormy Daniels aren’t really enough to distract from the waking nightmare of every day’s news.

People are looking to vent, and when the First Daughter can’t seem to synthesize enough human emotion to publish a personal Mother’s Day message, that’s as good of an opportunity as any other.

Ivanka and Tiffany’s Christmas video was much, much better than anything that they had to say about their moms.

In Ivanka’s defense, she and Jared are very busy at the moment and, in fact, they’re overseas.

In her … offense, we suppose … she and Jared are in Israel to oversee the deeply controversial moving of the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

This is seen as an insult to the Palestinian people, but some evangelical Christians believe that Trump is fulfilling biblical prophecy and ushering the world towards the End Times.

(Hey, both sides of the aisle agree that Trump is leading the world towards its destruction! A rare moment of unity, we suppose)

In the mean time, dozens of Palestinian protesters have been killed by Israeli snipers and countless others wounded.

In that context, Ivanka’s icy Mother’s Day post is sort of the least of people’s worries.

View Slideshow: Ivanka Trump: 15 Photos of Donald’s Gorgeous Daughter!

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Lindsey Vonn on Ivanka Trump: If You Can"t Say Anything Nice ...

Lindsey Vonn ain’t a Donald Trump fan — she made it very clear before the Olympics — so how’d she feel about Ivanka making the trip to S. Korea for the games?? We asked her … and her reaction says a lot.  FYI — Vonn went after Trump…

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Lindsey Vonn on Ivanka Trump: If You Can"t Say Anything Nice ...

Lindsey Vonn ain’t a Donald Trump fan — she made it very clear before the Olympics — so how’d she feel about Ivanka making the trip to S. Korea for the games?? We asked her … and her reaction says a lot.  FYI — Vonn went after Trump…

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Quincy Jones Says He Used to Date Ivanka Trump

Quincy Jones has made some bold dating claims lately, but this one takes the cake … he says he used to date Ivanka Trump, who he remembers as being pretty damn hot. The music legend says he and President Trump’s daughter hooked up — meaning,…

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LeAnn Rimes" Stepsons Call Ivanka Trump an Idiot Over Presidential Aspirations

LeAnn Rimes took the fifth when our photog asked about Ivanka Trump’s alleged aspirations to become the first female president … while her stepsons unleashed their own brand of fire and fury. We got LeAnn, hubby Eddie…

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Meryl Streep Calls Out Melania & Ivanka Trump for Their Silence During #MeToo Movement

Meryl Streep’s taken a lot of heat in Hollywood for allegedly staying silent about Harvey Weinstein’s sexual misconduct, but she thinks the criticism should be aimed elsewhere … to 2 women related to Donald Trump. The famed actress tells The New…

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Tiffany Trump & Ivanka Trump Say "Merry Christmas" in Bikini Video!

Ivanka and Tiffany are sisters. Their father might only find one of them hot, but they"re both beautiful.

So, politics aside, we can all take a moment to appreciate that they made their "Merry Christmas" video while wearing bikinis.

Nothing shows that you"re in touch with the American people like wearing a bikini in your Christmas video!

In recent weeks, Donald Trump proudly declared that America is saying "Merry Christmas" again.

Obviously, no one in the US has been prevented from saying "Merry Christmas." President Obama said the phrase countless times during his Presidency.

But some folks in Trump"s base recoil at the idea of someone saying "Happy Holidays," because God forbid (literally) that anyone should use inclusive language for the tens of millions of Americans.

("Happy Holidays" includes all holidays, including Christmas and New Years, and therefore almost everybody. When someone says that, it"s because they"re being thoughtful, not forced to at Evil Secular Gunpoint)

So it"s no surprise that when Ivanka and Tiffany Trump decided to record a holiday video, they were very specific about wishing everyone a Merry Christmas.

In the video below, you"ll see Tiffany and Ivanka lounging in warmer climes.

(I"ve never understood why someone would waste winter weather by fleeing to the tropics, but whatever)

They both look gorgeous and Tiffany is seriously rocking that bikini.

They"re at the Palm Beach Club, so it"s not like they skated off to Australia.

The song to which they"re listening is reportedly "O Holy Night," which matches the angel wing filter that Tiffany applies to herself and her sister … but which ultimately only decorates her appearance.

Of course, it"s only Tiffany Trump who delivers the "Merry Christmas" line.

That might have something to do with Ivanka Trump being Jewish. Which may have made a lot of that Christmas rhetoric even more awkward.

But neither woman can help being Donald Trump"s daughter. No offense to anybody"s beliefs, but we don"t get to choose our parents.

And, though it appears that Ivanka may be complicit in her father"s alleged crimes (her husband, Jared Kushner, almost certainly is), we don"t imagine that she has much actual control over Daddy Dearest. No one does.

So, as problematic as the Trump family may be, you can separate yourself from politics long enough to appreciate a cute little holiday message … right?

Okay, confession time:

Do you folks remember Tiffany Trump"s single, "Like a Bird," which resurfaced last year?

My confession is that I liked it. It"s not a game-changing song that I can"t live without, but I liked it.

Even if you despise Donald Trump with a fiery intensity — as the majority of Americans do and as an even greater majority of humans do — you can enjoy his least favorite daughter"s song. Or how she looks in a bikini.

It"s possible, we promise.

On the subject of the Trump daughters.

There"s no telling how the Trump legacy will impact his family. We"ve already heard of Tiffany being "bullied" at Fashion Week, and she"s not even involved with the White House.

Trump is hated, but will he end up merely disgraced … or will he end up in prison? How many of his family members will join him? (And which will cut deals to sell him out and save themselves?)

We don"t know.

But whatever happens, does Tiffany — who, aside from her RNC speech, has barely been involved with her father"s putrid political career — deserve the same ire as her adult siblings and her father?

Probably not, folks. Anyway, here"s the video. We promise that it"s harmless.

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Eminem DESTROYS Donald Trump, Jokes About Murdering Ivanka on New Album!

Eminem has made it abundantly clear that he’s not a big fan of our current president.

(And seriously, how heartbreaking is it that we still have to refer to Donald Trump as “our current president”?)

He slammed Trump in a song he released in 2015, and in another he released in 2015, but his harshest criticism came in October when he shared a little freestyle at the BET Hip Hop Awards.

He touched on the controversy surrounding the professional athletes that have chosen to kneel during the national anthem before games as a form of protest and Trump’s ridiculous reaction to them.

“Now, if you’re a black athlete, you’re a spoiled little brat for trying to use your platform or your stature to try to give those a voice who don’t have one,” he rapped.

“He gets an enormous reaction when he attacks the NFL, so we focus on that instead of talking Puerto Rico or gun reform for Nevada. All these horrible tragedies and he’s bored and would rather cause a Twitterstorm with the Packers.”

Then, to his massive fan base, he stated “Any fan of mine who’s a supporter of his, I’m drawing a line in the sane. You’re either for or against, and if you can’t decide who you like more and you’re split on who you stand beside, I’ll do it for you with this.”

He then flipped off the camera, making it clear that he’s not interested in sharing fans with Trump.

Eminem Utterly Destroys Donald Trump in This Freestyle Rap

It was all pretty intense, right?

But it looks like he was saving even more vitriol for his new album.

Eminem released the album, titled Revival, yesterday, and he dedicated an entire song to Trump. The song is called “Like Home,” and it features vocals by Alicia Keys.

He kicked off the very first verse with “Someone get this Aryan a sheet, time to bury him, so tell him to prepare to get impeached. Everybody on your feet.”‘

“This chump barely even sleeps, all he does is watch Fox News like a parrot and repeats while he looks like a canary with a beak.”

“Why you think he banned transgenders from the military with a tweet?” he asked. “He’s trying to divide us. The sh-t’s like a cult, but like Johnny he’ll only unite us. ‘Cause nothing inside drives us like this fight does.”

He admitted that “our spirits’ crushed” and it’s “hard to deal” with things right now, “but there’s always tomorrow still.”

“If we start from the scratch like a scab, get the scars to heal and band together for Charlottesville, and for Heather [Heyer, the woman killed in Charlottesville], fallen heroes.”

In the second verse though, he really went in on Trump:

Didn’t wanna piss your base off, did ya? / Can’t denounce the Klan, ‘cause they play golf with ya

You stay on Twitter, way to get your hate off / Nazi, I do not see a way y’all differ

And all you got are race cards / Better get the swastika with your name carved in it / Should be your trademark, ‘cause hate’s all you played off / And you just lick the plate off

So I guess it pays to feed off of chaos / So basically, you’re Adolf Hitler / But you ain’t ruining our country, punk / Or taking our pride from us, you won’t define us

‘Cause like a dictionary, things are looking up / So much, got a sprained beck, know we would rise up against this train wreck and take a stand

In the bridge, Alicia Keys sings “I won’t give up on my home, that so many died for, you already know that I won’t give up.”

It’s actually pretty emotional.

It’s also not the only time he mentions a Trump on the album — on a track called “Frame,” he gets a little less realistic and a lot, lot darker.

The song is all about murder and just awful, violent crimes — the point is that just because he says terrible things in his songs doesn’t mean he actually does them. It really is pretty dark.

In the second verse, he raps “Woke up, it was dawn, musta knew something was wrong. Think I’m becoming a monster ‘cause of the drugs that I’m on. Donald Duck’s on as the Tonka Trunk in the yard.”

“But dog, how the f-ck is Ivanka Trump in the trunk of my car? Gotta get to the bottom of it to try to solve it. Must go above and beyond, ‘cause it’s incumbent upon me, ‘cause I feel somewhat responsible for the dumb little blonde.”

So yes, it seems pretty safe to say that he has a whole, whole lot of anger for this entire family.

Do you think Eminem is going too far with these new songs?

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Ivanka Trump"s Jewelry Company Sued

Ivanka Trump’s jewelry company is being sued for skipping out on its bills. Raselli Franco, an Italian jeweler who manufactures and sells fine jewelry to retailers, claims he sold Ivanka Trump Fine Jewelry $ 56,833 in bling. Ivanka’s company agreed…

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Ivanka Trump Third Wheeling with Justin Trudeau

Well, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau pulled it off — a dîner à trois — with Ivanka Trump and his wife! If your French sucks, that just means dinner for 3 … don’t get too excited. But Canada’s top dawg was the man in the middle…

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Anthony Scaramucci: Tom Brady Banged Ivanka Trump!

In the span of just two months, Anthony Scaramucci went from White House Communications Director to guest host of TMZ’s syndicated TV series.

Like so much that’s occurred in 2017, that sounds like a joke, but believe it or not, the Mooch actually took over Harvey Levin’s cubicle-hovering duties on yesterday’s show.

And to the surprise of absolutely no one (with the possible exception of the Donald), Scaramucci seems far more at home in the world of celebrity gossip than he ever did in the political arena.

The Mooch was at his catty best on Monday, suggesting that the White House is less than thrilled about Sean Spicer’s controversial appearance at the Emmys, and joking that Steve Bannon recently removed his own dong from his mouth just long enough to enjoy some In-N-Out Burger.

But while Scaramucci’s comments about his former co-workers may have amused political junkies, it’s his remarks about President Trump’s friendship with New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady that have social media buzzing today.

As you may recall, back in February, the Patriots defeated the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl XLVI, an upset victory that proved once and for all that God is either dead or struggling with a serious drinking problem.

Despite the fact that Brady supported Trump during the 2016 election, he did not join the rest of the Pats for their post-championship season visit to the White House.

At the time, it was widely assumed that Brady’s wife, Giselle Bundchen, dissuaded him from going for political reasons.

Ya know, since she’s an immigrant, and Trump would like to see her kind loaded into catapults pointed at their home countries (or Mexico, the ocean, whatever’s easiest).

But Scaramucci has a much more tabloid-worthy theory that probably makes Donald wish he could move on The Mooch like a bitch and grab him by the man p-ssy.

“My guess is, which is typical, there could be a little bit of jealousy there and protection and possession of Tom Brady, and she probably didn’t want him to go,” Scaramucci said on TMZ Live.

“Maybe there was a relationship between him and Ivanka at some point.”

Sure, he threw in a “maybe” to cover his own ass, but the Littlefinger of D.C. knew exactly what he was doing by putting that theory out there.

And hilariously, that’s not the first time there’s been public talk of Tom Terrific connecting with Ivanka for a little bump and run.

In fact, it was Trump himself–delivering the sort of incestuous weirdness that somehow didn’t alienate every voter in the country–who first suggested that Tom and Ivanka would make a “great combination” in 2004.

But while the thought of his daughter’s sexual escapades may put a nauseating smile on Trump’s face during his evening bathrobe hours, a rep for the White House insists the Ivanka-Tom hookup never happened:

“While they have known each other for years, this is not true,” the source tells TMZ.

Kind of a shame, really. We’re always looking for new reasons to hate the Patriots.

View Slideshow: 12 Donald Trump Tweets That Outline His Plans as President

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Anthony Scaramucci: Gisele Blocked Tom Brady from White House, Jealousy Over Ivanka?

Anthony Scaramucci believes it was Gisele who stopped Tom Brady from joining the Patriots on their Super Bowl trip to Donald Trump’s White House … strongly insinuating the supermodel didn’t want Tom around Ivanka Trump. The Mooch — Trump’s…

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Botched Clip: Woman Got 13 Procedures in 1 Year to Look Like Ivanka Trump

Botched is honestly an amazing program. It"s usually either a story about a deranged doctor or a patient who has some serious issues (Remember the guy whose nose could come off?). But sometimes there are problems that no surgeon can fix.

Sometimes, though, people have issues extending far beyond whatever drives them to get inadvisable cosmetic procedures, and beyond whatever went wrong with those procedures.

Like this woman in the video below, named Tiffany, whose obsession with Donald Trump and his family led her to get 13 surgeries in a single year to look like Trump"s ideal woman: Ivanka.

Well, in an attempt to look like her.

You would never mistake one for the other.

The woman"s name is Tiffany, and it is very difficult to imagine someone mistaking her for Ivanka Trump.

Tiffany says that she has had thirteen procedures during the past year in an effort to forge herself into the First Daughter.

Excuse us — in an effort to architect herself into the First Daughter.

That"s the way that the real Ivanka talks.

As you"ll see in the clip below, the doctors are super alarmed to hear about this.

Tiffany does explain that she was only put under three times (she illustrates this by holding up three fingers, which is weird and we"ll talk about that in a moment).

The doctors discuss how it"s possible to have multiple small procedures during one session of general anesthesia, which is clearly what Tiffany has done.

They ask what brought this on, and she mentions that she started getting the surgeries about four months after her ten year marriage ended.

As the doctors explain, it"s not uncommon for people to have what are essentially rebound surgeries, though they don"t quite phrase it that way.

We think that this woman has more issues than just getting over her marriage, though.

Tiffany says that she is completely "committed" to looking like Ivanka Trump, though they don"t discuss that in the video.

With technology where it is now, that is just not a realistic expectation.

Just a reminder, folks, this is what the real Ivanka looks like:

It"s funny that this woman"s name is Tiffany, because Trump actually has another daughter who is named Tiffany.

If you forgot, don"t worry — Trump forgets, too.

By the way, this woman"s issues clearly go beyond cosmetic procedures and also well beyond her adoration for Trump.

In this super cutesy way, she holds up three fingers — like a child or maybe a girl from an anime.

Her mannerisms and the way that she very deliberately blinks to look "cute" speaks to some serious maturity issues.

This woman was married for a decade.

We don"t know Tiffany"s age but, even if she got married in high school, she"s at least old enough now to rent a car (25 years old, folks).

She"s probably well into her thirties.

This is not … becoming on her.

To be clear, not everyone who"s a fan of Trump is as completely whackadoodle as this woman.

Similarly, not everyone who supports Trump is a Nazi or white nationalist like those who rallied in Charlottesville over the weekend.

Admittedly, Trump"s remaining supporters are willing to overlook a great deal of racism and sexism and inconsistent messaging and a whole host of other things that horrify most of the country, but that"s another story.

And, hey, at least Steve Bannon"s been booted from the White House.

That probably won"t change anything significantly, but let"s enjoy that nice feeling until the next disaster strikes.

But, though this footage was surely captured months ago, Tiffany is probably still 100% on Trump"s side.

In this video, you"ll see those strikingly immature mannerisms that we talked about.

Her style seems like something that someone would wear as a Halloween costume to portray Ivanka, but it doesn"t feel like what Ivanka would have worn if she"d been going on Botched for whatever reason.

(Maybe to get a chin since her father deprived her and her siblings of one — sorry)

But let"s not talk to Tiffany about Ivanka"s feature or she might try to get more procedures after she gets whatever she wanted fixed, fixed.

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Ivanka Trump Targeted by Man Armed with Throwing Knives

Ivanka Trump got a visitor at Trump Tower who showed up armed with throwing knives and a bulletproof vest under his suit … according to the Secret Service. Law enforcement sources tell us agents busted Sixto Benitez Thursday at Trump Tower when…

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