Meghan Maza Oeser has three children.
She recently took off for a much-deserved girls’ weekend away, but not before making sure her husband was ready to be in charge of their household for a couple days.
Well… as ready to be in charge of a household that is home to a trio of young kids as one can possibly be, that is.
“I’m writing this to you out of love, not fear,” Meghan begins her Facebook post, which has been shared over 50,000 times.
“I wanted to go over a few things with you before you embark on this weekend alone…with the others.
“Nighttime, daytime, breakfast time, and somewhere around lunchtime can easily be mistaken for pure HELL, with Satan coming off as a My Little Pony in comparison.”
Somewhere, approximately 149 million parents are nodding in agreement with Meghan.
Of course they love and cherish their toddlers, but pure HELL. That sounds about right a lot of the time.
“Dinner will suck,” Meghan warns, giving Dad an idea of what to expect:
“Bailey will want pizza, while Harper will ask for hotdogs. Quinn will cry when you say the word hotdog, and will insist on Mac n cheese (but not the orange kind or the white kind, but the purple kind).
“We’ll be fresh out of the purple kind, so she’ll then ask for toast. You’ll already have started making mac n cheese for Penny, but since she heard Quinn ask for toast, she’ll also want that toast. You’ll end up tossing the Mac n cheese because Bailey got the stomach flu 5 years ago after eating the orange kind, and Harper prefers the white kind.
“You’ll also forget about Harper because her friend Lily “unexpectedly” stopped by, so they went ripsticking down the street.
“Everyone will eat cereal for dinner, and Lily will come inside for a bandaid.”
It should be noted that Meghan wrote this missive as a caption to a photo that can best be summed up by three words:
I’m out, bitches!
Meghan saved the most LOL-worthy (to us, anyway) part of her note for the end.
When she got to the worst time of the day for any parent: bed time.
“Pajamas. FUCK pajamas. Don’t even ATTEMPT anything but a nightgown for Penny,” she wrote.
“And if you cannot find a nightgown for Penny, keep fucking looking. She’ll ask for her Minnie Mouse nightgown, but once you put it on, she’ll scream in agony because the sleeves are CLEARLY ripping her fucking arms off. Just find her Elsa one.
“Chances are, it’s dirty as shit, but so what…so is she. I can’t remember the last time I put soap to that one.”
While some may see this note as depressing, others may find comfort in it.
Hey, you aren’t alone, right?
“Oh, also…just incase you wanted to get ANYTHING done this weekend…good fucking luck,” Meghan wrote toward the end of her post.
“Quinn cries basically every 5 minutes, and you would think that Penny’s esophagus was on certain fire every 4.5 seconds. She’ll need constant refills, which leads to more potty breaks.
“Sometimes she can go by herself, and sometimes she’s completely useless and will whine about everything. Including, but not limited to, her underwears feeling funny. Have backup underwears.
“Oh, and since you made me get rid of most every sippy cup, leaving me with 2…she’ll lose those. Good fucking luck finding them.”
In conclusion, “Kisses, The Wife,” Meghan wrote.
She’s our new hero.
We hope she had a blast on her trip.